This Isn’t O! This Isn’t Even OK!

, , , , , | Friendly | February 17, 2021

This story happened a while ago, but my boyfriend and I still talk about it occasionally because it was, in retrospect, very funny. It’s about 1:00 am on a weekend. My boyfriend is asleep, but I’m a night owl and am still up.

I’m using the bathroom attached to our home office when I hear an unfamiliar voice outside my apartment. I don’t think much of it… until I hear our front door open and suddenly the voice is INSIDE our apartment! I hastily get myself decent, but before I can even button my fly, I hear:

Boyfriend: “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING IN MY APARTMENT?”

Stranger: “Wha?! Uh… this is my apartment?”

Boyfriend: “NO. THIS IS MY APARTMENT!”

I peek out of the bathroom to see my 6’4″, 260-pound linebacker of a boyfriend, having apparently woken out of a dead sleep and raced into the living room in nothing but boxer-briefs faster than I could even pull up my pants, menacing a very startled-looking college-aged young man.

Boyfriend: “SO, AGAIN, WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!”

Stranger: “Uh, uh… I’m on acid, bro.”

There’s a beat of silence, but finally, my boyfriend lowers the fist that was poised to hit the apparent intruder.

Boyfriend: “What apartment building are you in?”

Stranger: *Pauses* “O?”

Boyfriend: “This is K. Get out.”

Stranger: “Uhhh…”

My boyfriend then has to physically turn the kid around, guide him out the door, and point him in the correct direction of his own apartment. We realize that when we got delivery earlier in the day, I neglected to lock the door, which is how he got in so easily. We both stay up a bit to shake off the adrenaline, but by the next morning, we have found the levity in the situation.

Me: “Honestly, it’s terrifying that you woke up out of a dead sleep that ready to just wreck someone’s s***. You didn’t even put on pants!”

Boyfriend: “It honestly didn’t occur to me. All I knew was that I couldn’t hear your voice, but I could hear a male voice I didn’t recognize, and that was wrong.”

Me: “Poor kid is probably terrified of this building now.”

Boyfriend: “Actually, he probably could barely comprehend where he was or who was talking to him. He’s probably like, ‘I met my spirit animal! He’s a gorilla and an a**hole!’”

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