This Is Why I Don’t Like Going Outside

CONTENT WARNING: Implied Animal Cruelty

Me: “My American friend keeps sending me videos of hissing opossums. I’m glad we don’t have rabies in Australia.”

Cousin: “The opossums aren’t rabid; they’re just angry. Just get a shovel and scoop them away. Actually, just get a shovel if you did find an animal with rabies.”

Me: “What?”

Cousin: “Smack it with a shovel. Like you do if a fox comes after the chickens.”

Me: “But what if there’s a lot of them?”

Cousin: “Mm. Still shovel. If it’s a snake, you just try to smash at its neck with a shovel. If it’s a spider, just smash it with the shovel. If it’s a fox, you swing at it. If it’s a bunch of dingoes, make sure there isn’t one behind you, swing the shovel, and chase them swinging it until they run off. If it’s a kangaroo, swing the shovel until it moves away. And if it’s a wild pig—”

Me: “Hit it with the shovel?”

Cousin: “No, throw the shovel at it as a distraction so you can climb a tree.”