This Crime Has Gone Down The Toilet

(I am a shift manager for a fast food chain. We are one block off the square in a major college town with about a dozen bars, pubs, and clubs within walking distance, so on the weekends, our lobby is open until midnight. I’m in the back, when one of the girls running the lobby register runs back and says she needs me NOW. I hurry up to the counter in time to see a middle-aged guy with some sort of panel trying to get out of the lobby through the front door. As I approach the guy I realize he has somehow taken the urinal divider wall from the mens’ restroom.)

Me: “Sir, what are you doing?”

Man: *very drunk, yet extremely polite* “I’m having a hard time getting this to fit out the door; can you help me, please?”

(I’m dumbfounded.)

Me: “Why don’t you sit down for a minute and I’ll get someone to help you.”

(I sit him down and gave him a free cup of water, and just call the police.)

Police Dispatcher: “[Town] sheriff’s office…”

Me: *introduces self and provides location* “Yeah, I need some police officers here to help with a drunk customer.”

Police Dispatcher: “Is he being irate or violent?”

Me: “No, but he’s trying to steal the urinal wall from the restroom; he already has it in the lobby but can’t manage the front door”

Police Dispatcher: *long pause* “Could you repeat that?” *trying very hard not to laugh*

Me: *chuckling* “Yeah. He’s trying to take off with it. He’s being very polite and, other than the obvious, he is not being disruptive”

Police Dispatcher: *losing it by now* “Okay, hun, we will send someone out. Did he say why he wanted it?”

Me: “No, and I didn’t want to ask, but you’re right. Why would anyone want it?”

Dispatcher: “I don’t know, but a patrol will be there in a few minutes.”

(The police showed up and, after a few minutes of talking to him, took him out to the car without causing a scene, and I’m assuming they took him to the drunk tank. I wound up having to call our maintenance guy the next day to rehang the wall. We’re still not sure how he got it off the wall, or what he wanted it for.)