This Caller Is Totally Spaced Out

I am working at a really crappy call center for a company with no scruples. They are supposedly number-one in second-tier computers. The equipment has numerous problems and is low-quality. To make matters worse, a new operating system has just come out, as well as “Software” modems, and the drivers were never updated or approved for the new OS.

My coworkers are, for the most part, really great. We get a new employee that isn’t exactly up to par. There is a very exacting sixteen-step process to get these “modems” to work. So far, the new guy has never succeeded in getting any of his callers to fix their modems.

We have a caller called “Fifteen-Minute Spacebar Guy.” It takes fifteen minutes to get this guy to find the spacebar on his keyboard. That isn’t a typo. After about twelve minutes, I mute the call and yell in frustration:

Me: “Does anyone know how to find the spacebar?!”

Everyone just looks at me in disbelief, especially the new guy who simply replies that a customer can’t fix his modem as always. I take a breath and “walk” the customer in from the edge of the keyboard.

Me: “Okay, use one hand and touch the bottom corner of your keyboard. Now, you should see a key you can press down called ‘C-T-R-L.’”

Caller: “I’ve got it.”

Me: “Now, use your other hand to find the other bottom corner and move it toward your other hand until you find the ‘C-T-R-L’ key on this side of the keyboard.”

Caller: “I found it!“

Me: “Great! Now move your hands to the ‘A-L-T’ keys.”

Caller: *Timidly* “Okay.”

Me: “Now stop. You should have an ‘A-L-T’ key under each finger.”

Caller: “Yeah, I do!”

Me: “Now the big, long key between your fingers is the spacebar.”

Caller: “OHHH!”

In the next five minutes, we redo his modem flawlessly. I just have to spin around to the new guy and announce:

Me: “Hey, remember Spacebar Guy? Well, we just redid his modem on the first try!”