This Bank And Forth Isn’t Working
The phone rings at the bank’s call center:
Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. May we start by getting your first and last name?”
Customer: “Well, first off, I’ve got a problem with this, and I’ve got a problem with that, and why did it take so long to reach you, and—” *blah, blah, blah…*
Me: “Okay, ma’am. I understand your frustration. It looks like your information didn’t come through with the call, so I’m going to need to ask you to provide your account number.”
Customer: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU NEED MY ACCOUNT NUMBER? WHAT’S AN ACCOUNT NUMBER? I PUT MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER IN THE SYSTEM! ARE YOU STUPID? GET ME A MANAGER!”
Me: “Ma’am, there’s no reason to make this personal. The system simply didn’t convey that information to me, so if you’re calling about a credit card, I’ll need that card number so I can help you.”
Customer: “Well, how do I know this is [Bank] and not some scam?”
Me: “Ma’am, you called me. If you’re uncomfortable, you can always hang up and try dialing back in.”
Customer: “NO! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO REACH YOU THIS TIME?!”
Me: “I understand, ma’am. We’re exceptionally busy. Now, if you could please—”
The customer starts reading the card number quickly.
Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to need you to start over and slow down so I can input that information.”
Customer: “BUT YOU JUST ASKED ME TO PROVIDE IT!”
Me: “That’s correct, but you were reading the numbers too quickly.”
Customer: “That’s because you’re stupid!”
Me: “Ma’am, I don’t tolerate abuse. If you don’t cease that behavior, I will disconnect the call.”
Customer: “I want to speak to a manager!”
Me: “Ma’am, I will be unable to escalate until we get your information and verify that I’m unable to provide assistance.”
Customer: “That’s not fair! I’m the customer! You’re being RUDE!”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m just following protocol. Could you please—”
The customer starts rattling off the number, but I’ve seen this move before, so I’m ready to input the information.
Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can we start by getting your name?”
Customer: “What do you mean? I JUST GAVE YOU MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER! LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!”
Me: “Ma’am, I asked you for your name so we can verify who we’re talking to.”
Customer: “My name is [Customer Name].”
Me: “Okay, Mrs. [Customer Name], we’ll have to authenticate you now. Do you have a cell phone I can send a code to?”
Customer: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’LL NEED TO AUTHENTICATE?! I JUST GAVE YOU MY CARD NUMBER! IS THIS A SCAM? ARE YOU STUPID? GET ME YOUR MANAGER!”
Me: “Ma’am, I’ve previously warned you about abuse, and you’re getting dangerously close to having to start this process again. Even though you’ve given me your name and card number, we still have to authenticate you.”
Customer: “Well, I don’t know how to read text messages when I’m on the phone.”
The customer starts reading off a bunch of random information, including her full address and Social Security number.
Me: “Ma’am, that won’t help me with authentication. If you’re unable to read a text message, how about the CVV code from the back of your card?”
Customer: “I DON’T HAVE MY CARD! I TOLD YOU THAT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE CALL!”
Me: “Okay, so you don’t remember it? That’s okay. We can try sending an email. Do you have an email address that I can send a code to?”
Customer: “Yes, it’s [Email].”
Me: “Okay, thank you. I’m going to send you an email with—”
Customer: “I CAN’T READ MY EMAIL WHEN I’M ON THE PHONE EITHER!”
Me: “Ma’am, do you not have a desktop computer that you can read your email on?”
Customer: “NO! I JUST TOLD YOU THAT I CAN ONLY READ MY EMAIL ON MY PHONE!”
Me: “Ma’am, you mentioned that you can’t read your email because you’re on your phone. You didn’t say that you have no other means of reading it. Unfortunately, I will not be able to authenticate you at this time and will be unable to assist you.”
Customer: “BUT ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE A PAYMENT! LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!”
Me: “No, ma’am. We cannot escalate if we’re unable to authenticate you. You can try calling back to attempt authentication again.”
Customer: “I’M DONE WITH YOU AND YOUR BANK! I’M TAKING MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE!”
Me: “That’s your decision. Thank you for calling [Bank], and have a wonderful day!”
Fifteen minutes down the drain. Kill me now.
