This Car Ride Is Going South (Park)

Back in the early 2000s, my mother used to host day trips through our local community college, meant for people in their 60s and above. If there are more than 10 people, she asks me to drive the college’s second van, since I work for the college as well, and have had the safety course. We’re almost to our destination point when we miss our turn off, and are forced to leave the highway to take an underpass. However, at the red light, I get separated from her.

She calls me on my cell phone to give me directions. Unbeknownst to me, my brother has changed my usual ringtone from a generic ring to “Kyle’s Mom is a Big Fat B****” from South Park. The song floods the small van. What’s worse is, because I’m driving, I can’t stop the phone ringing, I can’t pick up, and I can only sit there in horror as the song stops… then picks up again.

I hurriedly stop, grab my phone during the third call to answer my mom, and get safely to our destination. As my group, all elderly women, exits the vehicle, one of them says, “I’m going to pray for you,” and refuses to ride back with me on the trip home. Years later, and I still slap my brother upside the head when I think about it.