They’re Gunning For God

, , , , , | Friendly | May 1, 2018

(I live in a small town where one church sends members around to people’s houses. My family is technically Church of England, but we are not religious. This church’s members are extremely persistent. I am around eight years old, and my grandparents have a farm. Two church members park their car at the locked gate, climb the gate, and walk down the long driveway to the house. My grandparents have rung the church and sent letters asking them not to come onto the property, but they keep doing it week after week. My grandfather has warned them.)

Grandfather: *hearing the dogs barking* “G**d*** it. I’ve warned them.”

(He then goes to the cupboard where he keeps the shotgun for putting cattle down, culling kangaroos, etc., and goes outside and sits on the front porch steps with the shotgun behind him, out of sight of the two guys. I’m curious as to what’s going on, so I go to watch. As the men get close enough…)

Grandfather: “I’ve warned you. Now you have one minute to get off my property before I shoot.”

(He points the shotgun at them. I’ve never seen two people move so quickly in my life. They run up the driveway, jump the gate, and are gone in about a minute. About an hour later, two local cops come.)

Cop #1: “Now, [Grandfather], you can’t be doing that.”

Grandfather: “I’ve warned them numerous times and contacted the church. Plus, it wasn’t loaded.”

(This is true. As the farm is no longer a working farm, just a home, he doesn’t keep it loaded.)

Cop #2: *trying not to laugh* “Still, you’ll have to go to court over this.”

(My grandfather does have to go to the court, where the judge gives him a $100 fine, makes him hand in the gun, and tells him not to do it again. The church members never return. The second incident happens when I am about 19. As I’ve never really been religious and none of my housemates are, I would just ignore them, but this day they happen to catch me coming home. As I’m about to open the front door:)

Church Member: “Excuse me. Do you have a moment?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m not religious, and no one here is. Please don’t come here again.”

(I open the door and step inside.)

Church Member: “Wait, if you’re not religious, how do you think the world was created, then? Surely you don’t think the big bang or evolution is the answer?”

Me: *sick of them already* “To be honest, I think we’re just a ‘big brother’ experiment for aliens. We’re here for their entertainment. Whenever an earthquake or something happens it’s because they’re bored.”

(I shut the door. My housemate, who heard the whole thing, can’t stop laughing.)

Housemate: “That’s better than the guy who pointed a shotgun at them a few years ago.”

Me: “Yep, that was my grandfather. I’m just a little more diplomatic.”

Housemate: “Seriously? That even made the newspaper!”

(They never came back to my house, either.)

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