They’re A Proper Branded Idiot

, , , , , , | Right | March 26, 2019

(I work at a regional chain store near an attractions district, so tourists are always comparing us — usually negatively — to a better-known nationwide chain I’ll call “Brand X.”)

Customer: “Hi. I’d like a pound of [Brand X] turkey, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t carry that.”

Customer: “You don’t carry it?! Well, what do you have?!”

Me: “[Premium Brand], [Store Brand], and [Bargain Brand].”

Customer: “I’ve never heard of any of that stuff. I only buy [Brand X].”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but we don’t carry [Brand X]. We have [Store Brand].”

Customer: “What the h*** is [Store Brand]?!”

Me: “That’s the store we’re in right now, ma’am.”

Customer: “This isn’t a [Brand X] store?”

Me: “No, it isn’t.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t see why you can’t carry [Brand X] turkey, anyway!”

Me: “Because [Brand X] is an entirely separate store from us, ma’am.”

Customer: “So, you’re not a grocery store?! There’s not meats and cheeses and wine and paper towels and stuff here?! Because it sure looks like it to me!”

Me: *screaming inside* “Yes, this is a grocery store. But it’s [My Store], not [Brand X].”

Customer: “Well, I still don’t understand why you can’t carry [Brand X]!”

Me: “Because we’re not affiliated with them.”

Customer: “But people like [Brand X]!”

Me: “Yes, I know, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’re not affiliated with [Brand X].”

Customer: “But I want [Brand X]!”

Me: “There’s a [Brand X] store about five miles east of here.”

Customer: “I don’t want to have to drive all that way! Why can’t you give it to me?!”

Me: “Because we’re [My Store], not [Brand X].”

Customer: “I still don’t understand why you can’t give me [Brand X]!”

(I clap my hands together very loudly in frustration. The customer doesn’t seem to notice.)

Me: “Ma’am, basically what you’re asking is like if you went to [Burger Joint #1] and asked for a [Burger exclusive to Burger Joint #2]. One company can’t sell products owned and trademarked by another company just like that. If we wanted to sell [Brand X], we’d either have to let them buy our company, or we’d have to pay a huge amount of money to be able to sell their stuff here. That’s if they even let us, which they probably wouldn’t, because we’re their competitors.”

Customer: “Well… I still don’t understand why you can’t carry [Brand X]!”

Me: “I just told you why.”

Customer: “But people like [Brand X]!”

Me: “WE DON’T HAVE [BRAND X]!”

Customer: “HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY! YOU’RE SO G**D*** RUDE I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!”

(She storms away to complain to the front desk.)

Manager: “And around and around we go.”

Me: “I’m not sure whether she was actually stupid enough that she couldn’t understand that [My Store] and [Brand X] are two completely separate things, or if she thought pretending to be that stupid would somehow manifest [Brand X] products out of the f****** ether.”

Manager: “Either way, she failed. Now she’s the front desk’s problem.”

Me: “They can have her. I’ve done my time.”

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