They Spent Too Long In The Pit

| Working | November 1, 2016

(At my food cannery job, Saturdays are devoted entirely to cleaning the facility. This week I was one of the unfortunates assigned to clear out “The Pit”, an artificial pond that gradually fills with an unholy mixture of mud, pumpkin fragments, and matted vines. Besides rain gear, the only defense against the filth is defiant humor.)

Me: “On lunch break I should make a carnival sign for The Pit: ‘SEE the World’s Nastiest Chowder!’ And if anyone asks what the price of admission is, I’ll hand them a shovel and say ‘You help eat it.’”

Me: *to a coworker who cut his hand* “Dude, get a bandage. Go around in this s*** with an open wound and you’re gonna be Patient Zero.”

Me: *to a coworker who saw mud-spattered me on break and laughed* “Yes, laugh! Laugh at me! THAT’S HOW THE CURSE GETS PASSED ON!”

Me: *picking up a bit of mud and offering it to a coworker who’s watching us work* “Slimy popcorn?” *and a bit later…* “If you keep standing around and watching, we will make you eat the popcorn.”

Me: “We’re gonna find a zombie under this, you watch.”

Coworker: “What’s this hard stuff at the bottom?”

Me: “Legends say that beneath the deepest parts of the mud, there’s a substance even harder than plastic, called ‘concrete’…”

Me: *screaming at a passing coworker in clean clothes* “CLEAN IS AN ILLUUUSION! REPENT, SINNER, AND JOIN US IN EMBRACING THE TRUTH!”

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