Better Than Being With An Airbag, Part 2

(My boyfriend and I are lounging on the couch in my living room. I decide to try something I read on Not Always Romantic to change or avoid the conversation.)

Boyfriend: “What do you want for Christmas?”

Me: “Socks.”

(I immediately latch onto my boyfriend.)

Me: “I’m a seatbelt. You can thank me later for saving your life.”

Boyfriend: *lurches violently forward* “That was a pretty forceful crash. I don’t think even a seatbelt can save me now.”

(My boyfriend tries to roll off the couch, but I squeeze tighter.)

Me: “Seatbelts are incredibly well made nowadays.”

Boyfriend: “The crash sent the couch rolling into a lake. Now it’s rapidly filling with water! The seatbelt is preventing me from escaping!”

Me: “Seatbelt performs its duty no matter the circumstances.”

Boyfriend: “But I’m going to drown now.”

(He makes gurgling noises. He closes his eyes and goes limp.)

Me: “Job well done, seatbelt.”

Boyfriend: “It’s my dying wish to know what you want for Christmas.”

Me: *covering his face with my hand* “Shh. Hush now, dead person. The ambulance will be here soon to take you to the morgue…”