They Don’t Know If They’re Coming Or Going

(My spouse is the more organized one, so he is kind enough to pay all the bills and since most are a predictable amount, my half is set to transfer from my account to his every month. One month I have some financial complications. I call my bank’s 1-800 line to figure something out.)

Me: “Hi. I have an automatic transfer set up, sending $467 to my husband on the fifth of each month. This month I was short on funds and we weren’t sure how to temporarily pause these transfers, so he transferred the needed money to me so I wouldn’t get an NSF fee. However, the monthly transfer never came out, and I am calling to find out why.”

Rep: “Don’t worry; it did go through! I see a transfer of $467 on the fifth! Do you need any other help?”

Me: “No, the money did not come out. I have my account open in front of me; nothing came out.”

Rep: “Yep! Right here on the fifth, as you said, to another account held with our bank, probably your husband, as you said, for $467.”

Me: “So, on your version of my transaction history, you see one $467 from him to me, and one from me to him?”

Rep: “No, just the one transfer.”

Me: “Okay, that is the same thing I see, then. And it’s a transfer to me. What I wish to investigate is a transfer from me that failed to happen. It’s gone through every month for ages, so I know it was set up properly.”

Rep: “I get you. Hmm, yes, I see a transfer of $467 on the fifth of last month, the month before… and again this month, so you’re all good! Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Me: “As I said, there was no such transfer this month. My spouse loaned me the money to cover it, but it didn’t get taken; it is still sitting in my account. The $467 transaction in my records is that loan, to me. But there should be another transaction of it going out, automatically.”

Rep: *still all perky, showing no doubt or confusion, seemingly unable to even realize she is failing to grasp something* “Yes! The payment took place; you have nothing to worry about!”

Me: “But it didn’t!”

Rep: “Yes, $467, on the fifth!”

Me: “So, you’re a phone rep who refuses to listen to callers, and a bank employee who doesn’t see a difference between incoming and outgoing money? Seriously?!”

(I let out a window-rattling groan of frustration and misery and hung up on her. If you’re curious about the missing transaction, it turns out that we’d set the automatic transfer to run for two years, not forever, so it had simply reached its end and shut off. It’s now set to run forever. And if we do any other shuffling of money between our accounts, we choose any number BUT $467, to avoid confusing any slow-witted bank employees!)