These People Have Worked Together For Too Long

Our location is closing in a few days. There are only three of us currently working: me, a coworker, and the manager. This particular coworker and manager have known each other for years, so she is the favorite. She is complaining about our location closing. I’m sorting old paperwork for shredding.

Coworker: “I should just walk out.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

Coworker: “I’m serious. I’ll quit today!”

She’s been threatening this ever since they told us we were closing. The only way to get her to stop is to acknowledge her every so often until she runs out of steam.

Me: “Mhm.”

Coworker: “Everyone is telling me to stick it out. What if I want to walk out, huh? No one can stop me.”

Me: “That’s true.”

Coworker: “Thank you! It’s nice to have some support.”

I give her a thumbs-up and return to my shred pile.

Boss: *From across the lobby* “[Coworker]! Cut it out.”

Coworker: “Why? It’s true. I should leave and never come back.”

Boss: “THEN DO IT!”

Coworker: “What?!”

Boss: “You’ve been saying the same thing for weeks. If you’re not gonna leave, then shut your mouth!”

Coworker: “I’ll do it. Watch me.”

Boss: “Good! Then [My Name] and I can get our work done in peace!”

Me: “Do I need to separate you two?”

Coworker & Boss: “NO!”

Me: “As long as you don’t mind having an audience.”

We have a small popcorn machine for customers, and I’ve just popped a fresh batch. I head over to it, scoop myself a bag, and return to my paperwork pile while snacking on my popcorn. They are still shouting at each other.

Coworker: “Well, [Boss], if you feel that way about it, I QUIT!”

Boss: “YOU SAY THAT ALL THE TIME! It doesn’t count unless you leave right now!”

Coworker: “That’s just what you want, isn’t it?!”

Boss: “I want to get this closing done in peace! If that means you walk out a few days early, THEN GO!”

Coworker: “You WANT to be short-handed?! You’ll be stuck with [My Name]!”

Me: “Hey, that’s rude!”

Boss: “AT LEAST SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING!”

My coworker lets out a scream and stomps into the back. My boss goes into her office and slams the door. I’m trying really hard not to laugh. A regular walks in about thirty seconds later. She approaches me with an expectant look on her face.

Customer: “Hey, [My Name]. What’s happening in here? Everything okay?”

Me: “Everything’s great!”

Customer: “I thought I heard yelling when I was in the parking lot.”

Me: “I can tell you that it wasn’t me.”

My customer snorted. I gave her a “shhh” signal and she snickered. I got her taken care of and she exited. [Coworker] did not quit. However, the next few days were a lot quieter!