There’re Busybodies And Then There’s Whatever This Is

I’m just starting my shift waiting tables when an older couple — [Grandma] and [Granddad] come in. I introduce myself, get their drink orders, and head off to put them in. While I am waiting at the bar for the drinks, I notice the hostess motion toward a young couple with a baby to indicate that she is seating them in my section.

While I am getting the drinks, [Grandma] slips into the restroom. She comes out just as I pick up the drinks and head toward her table. Along the way, the hostess stops me.

Hostess: “The older couple at the booth? I had to move them to the six-top on the side.”

Me: “Okay. Why?”

Hostess: “They are now with the young couple I just put in your section, and it’s the only place they could all fit and have a high chair.”

Me: “Gotcha. No problem.”

I head back to hand off the drinks and talk to the young couple and walk into… I’m not sure what.

Grandma: “Oh, I see how it is. I leave for two seconds and you pick up a younger woman.”

I can see [Granddad] holding the baby and playing with her. The baby squeals and says what I think is “Grandma.” She lunges at [Grandma], and [Grandma] takes her from [Granddad].

At this point, it spirals out of control. A woman from a nearby table interjects.

Woman: “What the ever living f*** is wrong with you? How can you possibly object to him holding a baby? A baby?!”

Woman’s Son: “Mom, it’s a joke. Please…”

Woman: “It’s not funny! No one should act like this. This is what’s wrong with the world. She’s just upset because he’s playing with his granddaughter, and she’s probably jealous because it’s his first wife’s granddaughter.”

Baby’s Mom: “No, she’s her biological granddaughter. These are both my biological parents.”  

[Woman] shrieks something incomprehensible. The tirade continues with both the younger couple and [Woman]’s son trying to get her to be quiet.

Finally, the baby decides to start screaming and crying. [Grandma] is doing her best to calm her, along with help from [Baby’s Mom], but the baby is not having it.

My manager comes to see what is going on.

Manager: “What’s the problem here?”

Woman: “This evil shrew is abusing a baby! Listen to the poor thing cry!”

Woman’s Son: “MOM! Enough! Leave those poor people alone. She’s not doing anything wrong, and that baby is crying because you are screaming.”

My manager spends a very brief time getting the story and then does something I never expected.

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. We will have your food packed up and brought to the hostess stand where you can pay.”

Woman: “Finally!”

Manager: “I meant you. These people haven’t even been able to order yet. You have disturbed multiple other tables this evening.”

After an unreasonable amount of arguing and her son trying to shut her down, [Woman] finally heads off, screaming about calling corporate.

Manager: “Sorry, folks. That was bizarre and unacceptable. We’re comping your drinks and dessert tonight. Please, I hope you can stay, but if the baby is too upset, I completely understand.”

By then, the baby was settling down so everyone stayed. The rest of their meal was blessedly quiet and uneventful. [Granddad] paid for everyone and left a very generous tip.