Their Demands Cut No Ice

(A customer storms into the place with a huff that indicates she is not in a good mood.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Do you have any [Brand scooped ice cream]?!”

Me: “No, sorry, ma’am. We only have soft serve ice cream in vanilla, chocolate, or both.”

Customer: “What?! But your sign outside said you had real ice cream here! Why the h*** do you not have [Brand scooped ice cream] here, then? That is false advertising, and I’m going to bring this to the attention of [customer review website]!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s not what the sign says. That’s for frozen coffee drinks.”

Customer: “YOU’RE LYING! I know what I read. I came in here for [Brand scooped ice cream] and you don’t have it! If you don’t have it, then you’re false advertising!”

(At this point, the owner has had enough of this. He gets up from his table and begins to walk behind the counter.)

Owner: “Ma’am, I would appreciate if you didn’t falsely accuse my staff of lying, as well as for you to stop disturbing our guests trying to enjoy lunch here. If you look again, you’ll note the sign outside is for iced coffee, not ice cream. We have soft serve ice cream, but that’s it. Do you want some or not?”

Customer: “No! That stuff is horrible! Also, I was here last Friday with my sons, and you served them a spinach pie that was soggy! They hated it, and you ruined my kids’ dinner!”

Owner: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, that our food did not meet your expectations. But what do you want me to do about it?”

Customer: “What do you think I want you to do about it?! I want you to comp me for it! I want you to offer me a free meal to make up for it.”

Owner: “No.”

Customer: “WHY NOT?! All the big chains would offer to comp my meal for such poor service!”

Owner: “Well, for one, ma’am, this is not a chain restaurant. This is a single location restaurant, that I own. Therefore, I get to decide the policy for how I comp a customer’s meal. Second, I’m not going to give you a free meal, or refund your money, for food you ate over half a week ago. If it was that terrible you should’ve informed me, or one of the staff members on Friday night about the quality of your food so we could’ve remade it for you. Not five days later, in what seems to me an attempt to get an undeserved free meal.”

Customer: “You’re accusing me of trying to swindle you?! How dare you!” *pulls out a $10 bill from her purse and starts waving it in front of the owner’s face* “See this? This is my money! And you are never getting it again! I’m going to post how terrible your restaurant is to my friends and spread the word about your poor service. How do you like that?”

Owner: “That’s fine, because let’s face it, you never intended to really be fair to me or my staff from the start of this conversation. You’re also disturbing those currently here to enjoy lunch. Frankly, ma’am, you can consider yourself no longer welcome, and forever more banned from eating in my restaurant. Now, please leave.”

(The customer turns to the door and begins to stomp out muttering about how poor customer service is. Another customer stands up from his seat.)

Other Customer: “Hey, can I get one of those soggy spinach pies and another round of beer for my table? And we’ll take some of that falsely advertised soft serve ice cream to go.”

(Everyone in the restaurant, even the owner, all burst out laughing. The complaining customer ran out, embarrassed and flustered with rage.)