The Worst Pickup Line In History

(My new coworker makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but for weeks I can’t figure out why. He doesn’t hit on me, he doesn’t ask invasive questions, and he’s always polite, but there is just something about him that makes me want to end every conversation as soon as possible. One night we are closing the store — the male coworker, the manager, and me. The manager is in the office balancing the registers and resetting for the next day, so I am stuck by the registers with my male coworker. A long, awkward silence is finally broken when he speaks.)

Coworker: “Do you like historic tours?”

Me: “Um… like [Nearby Battlefield]?”

Coworker: “Yeah. Have you ever gone on one?”

Me: “On a field trip when I was, like, 15. Why?”

Coworker: “Oh, that’s my other job.”

Me: “Oh. Cool.”

(A few seconds of silence.)

Coworker: “So, if you ever want to do a tour, I’ll take you.”

Me: “Ah. No, thanks.”

(Awkward silence.)

Coworker: “It can be a private tour; we can take as long as we want.”

Me: *internal panic begins* “No. Pollen and grass and dirt… they’re not my friends.”

Coworker: “We can do a night tour; it’s way better. And you can take an allergy pill!”

Me: *alarm bells are going off in my head* “I don’t really like staying up late. I’m an old fart.”

Coworker: “Oh, please. I’m old enough to be your daddy.” *staring me down*

Me: *knowing I’m turning red* “Ha…”

Coworker: “You can buy me breakfast as a thank-you.”

Me: “Well. I’ll have to see what my husband is up to. He works full time, too, and—“

Coworker: *suddenly angry* “Husband?”

Me: “Well, yeah. Of course, he’s coming with me.”

Coworker: “I was… You… Never mind.” *storms out*

(A minute later the manager comes out.)

Manager: “Where did [Coworker] go?”

Me: “Um…”

(I told her what had happened. She said I wasn’t the first to note behavior like that from him, but it’s hard to fire him when he isn’t BLATANTLY trying to pick us up. I thought the whole “private tour at night and buy me breakfast” and “oh, you have a husband, never mind” were pretty blatant but I guess not. He’s a lot less nice to me these days. Oh, well.)