The Workplace Of The Future

(This happens during the day on New Year’s Eve. My coworker and I are completely overwhelmed with work, non-stop calls, and our manager calling us every five minutes to tell us how to do our jobs. We take a quick break to go into the kitchen and get some food and water before getting back to the crazy rush. In the kitchen, we see that one of our bosses has hung up a sign:)

Sign: “Due to the most recent cutbacks, new rules for absences have been created for 2017.

Illness: Not a valid reason to be absent. Doctor’s notes are no longer accepted! If you can make it to the doctor, you can make it to work.

Absence due to surgery: Not accepted. Any employee who is considering surgery is to abstain from this. We need everything the employee can offer of flesh and blood. Service is to happen in the same condition as when the employment began. If anything is removed, the employee’s value is lowered. Exceptions can be made if paychecks are lowered to an equal value.

Death (your own): Your own death is accepted as a reason for absence. However, the employer is to be informed two weeks in advance so the successor can be trained properly.

Visits to the dentist: We only hire people with dentures. Due to this, you can send your teeth for repairs by mail, instead of constantly going to the dentist.

Pregnancy: Completely forbidden. At work, you should sit with your legs crossed. The employer is to make sure that contraceptives are available.

Visits to a gynecologist: Must be avoided! You can sit on a copy machine, take a picture, and send this to the gynecologist.

Toilet visits: Too much time is spent in the toilet. Due to this, a new three-minute rule will be enforced. After three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper is confiscated, the door is opened, and the toilet-goer is photographed. If this rule is broken several times, the photographs will be posted on the bulletin board.

Lunch: Thin people will get a thirty-minute lunch break, since they need to eat more to look healthy. Normal people will get a fifteen-minute lunch break, so they can intake a balanced meal and keep their mediocre figure. Overweight people will get a five-minute lunch break, since this is the amount of time needed to drink a protein shake.

Finally: Thank you for your loyalty to the unit. Our motto is to always have a positive attitude towards the business. It is, therefore, a matter of course that you send all your questions, comments, complaints, irritations, accusations, and other aggressions elsewhere.”

(My coworker and I laughed so hard that getting through the rest of the shift was quite a bit easier.)