The Vote Is In: He’s An Idiot

(I am volunteering for a local political campaign and calling a list of voters whose ballots have not yet been returned.)

Man: “Hello? Who is this number?”

Me: “Hello, I’m a volunteer for [Political Campaign], and-

Man: “Oh, no! Now just HOLD ON A SECOND. YOU PEOPLE DON’T TELL ME HOW TO VOTE!”

Me: “Sir—”

Man: “You think you can call people and tell them how to vote, but that’s none of your business—”

Me: *interrupting* “Sir, I don’t think you understand the purpose of these calls.”

Man: “Excuse me? I don’t understand? I’m 60 years old and I don’t need some little girl telling me how politics work or how to vote!”

Me: “We are not calling to tell people how they should vote. We are contacting people who are listed as not returning their ballots—”

Man: “So you can tell them how to fill them out!”

Me: “—so we can make sure that they actually received them, as that would be a problem if they had not. If they have received their ballot, we remind them that they must be mailed by Thursday, two days from now, in order to be counted in time, or let them know that they can be dropped off at their local polling station. If they do not know where their polling station is we can give them the address, and if they do not have means of transportation to get to their polling station we can arrange for a ride. Then we have a few optional questions for polling purposes.”

Man: “WHAT!? You Democrats admit to bringing people to polling stations! That’s election fraud! You just admitted it!”

Me: “Well, sir, I don’t see how it could be election fraud if they’re registered voters. Even people without a car or the means to afford one have voting rights.”

Man: “I- I KNOW THAT! I’ve been voting for 60 years!”

Me: “42.”

Man: “EXCUSE ME?”

Me: “The legal voting age is 18. If you’re 60 years old, you could have only been voting for the past 42 years.”

Man: “…”

Me: “So, have you received your ballot?”

Man: “That’s NONE of your business! You shouldn’t be asking people personal questions about politics!”

Me: “Very well, sir, participation in the voting and polling process is completely optional. Have a nice day.”

Man: “And I’m a Republican anyway, so you wouldn’t want my ballot!”

Me: *patience slipping a little* “Sir, we would still be happy to assist you in registering your vote or reaching the polling station if you required it. Preventing people from voting is not our party agenda.”

Man: “…Well, um, where the hell is it I’m supposed to go on Thursday, then?”

Me: “According to your listed district, your polling station is at [Address]. And the election is next Tuesday, not this Thursday. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Man: “NO! I KNEW THAT!” *hangs up*