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The Very Model Of A Modern American

| Working | August 19, 2013

(I am blonde-haired, blue-eyed and extremely pale. I have also just come back from Ireland after a year in college. I am in a diner. A waitress comes up to me.)

Me: “Oh hi, can I have a cheeseburger?”

Waitress: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Can I have a cheeseburger?”

Waitress: *sighs and rolls her eyes, speaking very slowly* “Right. Now, the cheeseburger comes with cheese, a to-MAY-to and LET-tice.”

Me: “Why are you talking like that?”

Waitress: “Now, it is $2.64. Now, a cent is—”

Me: “Is this the accent?!”

Waitress: “Well, if you want to come to United States, you better f***** learn the language first! Where the h*** are you from anyway?”

Me: “Virginia.”

Waitress: “As if! You sound like you’re f****** Russian. Get the h*** out of my country you commie!”

Me: “Look, I really am American; I just spent months abroad.”

(The waitress isn’t listening, and proceeds to snatch the menu from me, as well as the plates.)

Waitress: “Just get this into your head you f****** cow. We are a proud and hard-working country, and we don’t tolerate communists. So get the h*** out of here! Better yet, get out of the States, or I’ll tell my manager you spat in my face. Got that?”

(When the waitress leaves, I stand up in the center of the diner. The other people in the diner are looking at me, having seen the waitress’s behavior.)

Me: “I think I can prove I’m American…”

(I quickly break into song.)

Me: “I am the very model of a modern Major General,
I’ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical,
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical
I’m very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I’m teeming with a lot o’ news…
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
I’m very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General!”

(I sing the entire first verse, and I can sing it very well, since I am a big fan of Gilbert and Sullivan. There is silence when I finish. The waitress just stares and goes in the back. I look at the manager, who is now out.)

Manager: “What was that?!”

Me: “Your employee doesn’t think I’m American. I just spent a school year abroad in Ireland.”

(The manager goes in the kitchen and yells at the waitress. When I come back some time later, she isn’t there.)

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