The Useless Adventures Of Mr. F****** Friendly!

(It’s April in Minnesota, which means it’s pothole season. Because of this, I find myself standing in a long line at a local discount tire place. There are about six of us in line and one employee. This poor guy is trying his best but just can’t keep up.) 

Employee: *into walkie* “Assistance to the front, please.”

(After ten minutes of no one coming to help, the phone starts ringing.)

Employee: *into walkie* “Assistance to the front, please.”

(Ten more minutes pass with no help and still ring… ring… ring…)

Employee: *voice breaking a bit now* “Assistance to the front, please.” 

(At this point, I’m not even mad about waiting anymore. I just feel bad for this guy and am seriously contemplating answering the phone and just putting whoever it is on hold. Cue the entrance of Mr. F****** Friendly.) 

Mr. F****** Friendly: *saunters in, coffee in hand* “Well, hey there, everyone! Looks like we got a busy one today! I only just heard the page, so I rushed up to help! Good thing I came over here from [Sister Location]; these guys sure need my help!” *ignores the still-ringing phone* 

Employee: “Before you help, can you find the keys to [car] so we can start that job? The customer said they were in the drop-off box and I haven’t had a chance to look.” 

Mr. F****** Friendly: “Yeah, I checked, didn’t see them.”

Employee: “Weird, can you check again?” 

Mr. F****** Friendly: “Sure! Uh, where is your guys’ box?” 

Employee: *points* 

(I don’t know what happened. The spirit just gets to me in this moment and I turn into my mother.) 

Me: “So, what you’re saying is you didn’t check the box?” 

Mr. F****** Friendly: *surprised* “Well no.” 

Me: “Then why did you say you did when you didn’t? If you’re going to lie, at least put a little effort into it.” 

Mr. F****** Friendly: *quiets down, grabs the keys, and FINALLY answers the d*** phone*