The Universal Way To Say “I Need Coffee”

(My son is definitely not a morning person, to the point that he won’t even speak English until he’s had his coffee if another language lets him say the same thing with fewer syllables. He volunteers with people from all over the world, so he has picked up little bits of a wide variety of languages, and I did linguistics at university, so I can at least guess what most of it means. One morning the phone rings as he’s on his way past. He picks it up, and I overhear this:)

Son: “Morn.” *Norwegian or German, short for good morning* “…Nee.” *Dutch, no* “…Da.” *Russian, yes* “…Adio.” *not sure, maybe Slovenian? He uses it to say goodbye, and doesn’t mean Adieu or Adios*

(He hangs up and wanders, bleary eyed, past me through the dining room.)

Me: “So who was that, honey?”

Son: “…Spam.” *as in spam mail, so a cold caller*

Me: “Too early for real answers still?”

Son: *pauses, then frowns at me contemplatively* “…Morn.”

(He then turned back to the kitchen and stumbled off for his coffee. If only every marketer had the decency to call during that brief period so he could confuse them until they hung up the phone!)