The Speediest Way To Get Fired

(I’ve just received one of those automated speeding tickets that gets mailed to you at home. I’m about to pay online, when I notice a discrepancy. I call the number provided to ask about it.)

Me: “Hi, I received an automated speeding ticket, and was wondering if I had to pay it since—”

Helpdesk: “UGH! Yes you have to pay your tickets. That’s what you get for breaking the law.”

Me: “Yes, I understand how the law works, but this tickets says—”

Helpdesk: “LISTEN, YOU LITTLE S***! YOU WERE SPEEDING, SO PAY YOUR D*** TICKET!”

Me: “How about you transfer me to your manager now?”

Helpdesk: “FINE, BUT HE’S JUST GONNA TELL YOU THE SAME THING!”

(After a bit, during which I can hear the helpdesk worker complaining about me to the manager, he comes on.)

Manager: “Hello, I hear you are trying to refute a speeding ticket?”

Me: “I was, but apparently I’m ‘a little s*** that needs to just pay it.'”

Manager: *taken back* “Why on earth would you call yourself that?”

Me: “I don’t. The lady on the phone told me that before listening to what my reason was.”

Manager: “…you are not the first she’s said that to, and I promise that I will do what I can to help. What is the reason you are rebuking the ticket?”

Me: “Because I don’t think my car can reach 240 miles per hour.”

Manager: “Your car WHAT?!”

(After verifying the ticket and pulling it up to view…)

Manager: “No, there is no reason for you to pay this at all. Would you be willing to come in to sign a form? I can fax it to you if you can’t.”

Me: “Oh, no, that’s fine; it’s easier for me to come in than to fax it.”

(I go in and see a lady at the front desk.)

Me: “Hi, I’m here about a speeding ticket.”

Lady: “Oh, so you finally realized you’re being stupid and are going to pay?”

Manager: *out of nowhere* “NO! You’re going to personally void this man’s ticket, and then you’re going to pack up and get the f*** out of here for being rude to people!”