The Poo-ncess Bride

I work in a bridal salon. I answer the phone.

Me: “Good afternoon, [Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

The maid of honor of a wedding due to take place today is screaming down the line.

Maid Of Honor: “THERE’S S*** ON THE DRESS!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Maid Of Honor: “THERE’S S*** ON THE DRESS!”

She starts laughing. She sounds a little tipsy. I am thinking “s***” just means there’s something like dirt there and they’re mad.

Me: “Okay, so, the dress is dirty?”

Maid Of Honor: “YEAH. WAIT, HERE’S THE BRIDE!”

Bride: *Crying and yelling* “THERE’S S*** ON MY DRESS!”

Me: “Ma’am, I understand you’re upset, but I need you to take a deep breath for me and calm down because I cannot understand what you’re saying. There’s actually fecal matter on the dress?”

Bride: “Okay.” *Still crying* “YES!”

Me: “Okay. When is the wedding? Maybe you can come in and we can see what alterations can do for you.”

Bride: “I’M WALKING DOWN THE AISLE IN FIFTEEN MINUTES! FIFTEEN MINUTES!”

Me: “Oh, God. Okay, what material is the dress and where is it? I’ll ask alts and see what we can do over the phone. They might be able to talk you through cleaning it off.”

Bride: “I DON’T KNOWWWW!”

The bride gives the phone to the maid of honor.

Me: “Okay, hi. I know we gotta do this fast. Do you know where it is and what the dress is made out of? I’ll see if we can walk you guys through cleaning it.”

Maid Of Honor: “I don’t know what it’s made out of, but she s*** herself!”

Me: *Pause* “Seriously? Okay, I’m gonna go back to alterations and have them pick up. While I tell them what’s going on, see what cleaning supplies you have on hand to work with.”

I walked back to alterations trying to keep from laughing. The whole time, I thought it was from outside pictures or something, and a dog or bird did it, not her. I explained the situation to the head of alts and her jaw dropped. I found out later that alterations was able to help, as I spent the next hour hiding in the back and laughing. I’ve heard of being nervous, but this was a whole other level!