The Pain Is Here To Stay

(I’ve been having pains in my chest for almost two years now and have gone everywhere for answers, but to no avail. My doctor has told me to text my mother whenever I have a pain so that the time and date is on file. We are in the middle of the store when I have one, so I whip out my phone to text her. It has been a long time since I’ve lived a normal life without the pains so I’m past self-pity and onto humor.)

Me: “The pain peaked at 6, but was afraid of heights, so it retreated back to 4.”

Me: “It had a reason to be afraid; it fell.”

Me: “It has returned triumphant at 3.”

Me: “It’s lingering. Maybe I should put up a no loitering sign.”

(About an hour later, when we’re in the car.)

Me: “The chest pain is back. It’s wearing an eye patch now. I wonder what’s happened to it in the time it’s been gone.”

Me: “Now it kind of just lingers there, black trench coat, duffel bag, lisp, and all. Kind of looks like Jack the Ripper/Sean Renard from Grimm.”

Me: “It’s making a sandwich. I don’t think it plans on leaving anytime soon.”

(The next day, when we’re at home.)

Me: “I think I’m going to call him Gustav.”

Mom: “You’re weird.”