The Oldest Chick In The Book

Caller: “I don’t understand why I have a late fee on my account. I always pay on time.”

Me: “Okay, I would be happy to look into that for you today. I see the late fee and I think I see the problem. However, I would like a brief minute to continue looking through your account to verify why you are receiving late fees. May I please place you on hold?”

Caller: “Okay, then.”

(I check her statements for the last 6 months and see that she missed two consecutive payments. She recently started paying only $5 a month.)

Me: “Thank you for holding. I apologize for the wait. I think I see what happened. I see that we have been receiving your $5 payments by the due date. However, they do not cover your $127 minimum payment, so you are being charged late fees.”

Caller: “But I’m making my payment on time.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, however the payment that we are receiving does not cover your minimum due.”

Caller: “But you’re getting my payment before the due date.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but $5 does not cover your minimum due.”

Caller: “Well, what is my minimum due?”

Me: “Your minimum due on your last statement was $127.”

Caller: “So that pays off my account. I’ll pay you $127 and you can’t charge me any more fees, right? That will pay off my account.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but $127 was the amount that you owed us for the month of January. You will still owe us another minimum payment by February 28th.”

Caller: “Okay, so how many months do I have to pay to pay off my account?”

Me: “Well, as stated on your last statement, you would have to pay the minimum due for 5 years on time each month to pay off your balance.”

Caller: “Well, how much is that?”

Me: “$6,200.”

Caller: “So, how will it take me to pay off my balance if I pay $5 a month?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but since $5 does not cover your minimum payment and our late fees are $35, you would be unable to pay off your balance.”

Caller: “Well, why would you do that? You just want everyone to give you $5 every month for the rest of their lives! Let me talk to your supervisor! You people can’t do that! It’s ILLEGAL!”

Me: “Okay, may I please place you on a brief 1 to 2 minute hold while I get my supervisor on the line for you?”

Caller: *whispering* “She’s getting a supervisor, but it’s going to take another 15 minutes.”

Grumpy Old Man: *in the background* “I told you they wouldn’t fall for that you stupid woman. Just pay them their d*** money so we can order Chinese!”

Caller: *click*