The Neighbor Can’t Shoot Straight

(My best friend moved out of her house and is in the process of a divorce from her husband. I am at the end of my rental contract so we decide to move in together to save money. Since I’ve only ever lived in apartments and her ex had the mower, I go across the street to borrow a lawnmower from a neighbor lady. We’d just moved in and she was curious so I told her my and my best friend’s situations, always referring to my friend as ‘my roommate’ or ‘best friend.’ Christmas rolls around. Coming home from work, I pick up a very thick card envelop from our porch and walk into the house. It has no postage so it had to come from someone in town or our street. I open it hoping it was money but what we got was so much better. I start laughing in disbelief.)

Roommate: “What? What is it?”

Me: “We got a card from our neighbor.”

(I hand her the card that has been signed by the lady across the street I had talked to seven months earlier. It was stuffed full of religious pamphlets condemning homosexuals and nonbelievers to h*** while at the same time inviting us to join the neighbor’s church.)

Roommate: *laughing as she’s reading the pamphlets* “Well, she’s right about us not believing in her god, but gay?”

Me: “Apparently in our conversation she didn’t hear the multiple times I referred to you as my roommate or best friend. Or maybe she thought that was code for ‘lover.’ How 1980s is that? If you were my girlfriend, I would’ve called you that. So do you want to join her church, my godless, lesbian lover?

Roommate: “NO! But this is awesome. This is a Christmas gift that’s going to keep giving.”