The Mother Of All Break-Ups

(I have just finished going through a terrible break-up a few months before. It turned really ugly when my entire high-school turned against me because I broke up with the most popular guy in school. I have finally recovered after he tells everyone to stop harassing me. Just after graduation, his mom randomly walks through my front door without knocking and barges into my room.)

Ex’s Mom: “Hi Jenny! How are you?”

Me: “Um, I’m fine I guess. Why are you in my house?”

Ex’s Mom: “Oh, I just came by to see how you are doing after the break-up. I know you must be devastated.”

Me: “I’m just glad it’s finally over.”

Ex’s Mom: “Yes, you know it was really cruel of you to smash his heart into tiny pieces when he loves you so much. Bless his heart…he still cries himself to sleep at night.”

Me: “Really? Because last I heard he was completely over me and looking forward to leaving for his training to be a Marine.”

Ex’s Mom: “Yes well, that’s what I came here to talk to you about. You see, my sweet little boy is going to be leaving me to head out into the big world and he has yet to become a man. Lord knows, he wanted to make it with you but you just had to be a prude. But, now you can redeem yourself!”

Me: “I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”

Ex’s Mom: “I just need for you to make my little boy a man. You know we have a guest cottage at the back of our property you two can use. Just meet him there and sleep with him before he leaves. You know he simply can’t go off to training school a virgin. He would be humiliated! You understand dear.” *pats my knee and smiles*

Me: “Get out of my house!”

Ex’s Mom: “Okay, but here is a spare key to the cottage. Just think about it, but make up your mind soon! He leaves for training school next week. Bye-bye now!”

(She drops a key onto my bed and leaves.)