The Meat On Your Plate Makes Up For Having None In Your Head

(I am working as a banquet server at a four-star hotel. A typical night involves serving the same dish to 50 to 200 people.)

Me: “Before I bring out your soups, does anyone at this table have dietary restrictions I need to know about?”

Diner: *in a haughty voice* “My husband and I are vegan. We want fish for our entree.”

Me: *internally* “Don’t say it. Don’t call her a dumba**. Don’t tell her she sounds airheaded enough to actually think fish isn’t meat.”

Me: “Okay.”

(Two minutes later, in the kitchen:)

Me: “Two of my guests say they’re vegan, so they want fish instead of the beef wellington.”

Chef: “Did you tell them they’re dumba***** and that fish are animals?”

Me: “No, but I thought it really loud.”

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