The Lawnmower Ban

(It’s not that I do not like my brother-in-law, but he is a little eccentric, which comes off as annoying. More than once I have had to stop him irritating my kids, or doing or saying something stupid. We don’t spend any time together and that works for both of us. One afternoon his wife and his wife’s sisters are out together for some drinks. It’s late, the kids are in bed, and I’ve fired up the computer for a bit of gaming. I hear a loud banging on the back door.)

Me: “Oh, hi, what’s up?”

Brother-In-Law: *loudly* “Hey, can I borrow your lawnmower?”

Me: “Okay, just keep it down, can you? The kids are in bed. What do you need a lawnmower for? You don’t have a lawn.”

Brother-In-Law: “Oh, my friend needs one; I said he could borrow yours.”

Me: “Well, I guess, but make sure it comes back in one piece. Let me grab the keys.”

(He steps inside and to my surprise sits down. Immediately he gets out his phone.)

Me: “Here you go. You will have to grab it yourself; I can’t leave the kids alone.”

Brother-In-Law: *not looking up* “Oh, okay, thanks.”

(I stand there hand outstretched waiting.)

Brother-In-Law: “Your WiFi’s not working.”

Me: “Huh, no, I’m downloading an update.”

(Pause.)

Me: “It’s going to be a while before it finishes.”

Brother-In-Law: “Oh, okay then. I’ll go.”

(I had to chase him to get the keys and the lawnmower back. When he finally turned up it was filthy and filled with grass. Despite my insistence he turned up again a few weeks later and borrowed it again whilst I was out, breaking the axle. He actually had the cheek to ask me when I was going to get it fixed as he needed it again, without offering to pay for the damage he did as “it was pretty old anyway.”)