The Jokes About Being Salty Write Themselves

I’m in high school and I work in the health foods department of a grocery store, which, in addition to your usual gluten-free, organic, and other health food products, houses vitamins and supplements. The grocery store also has an in-store pharmacy. It is around 9:00 pm on a Friday night and I receive a call for our department.

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] in the health foods department. How can I help you?”

The caller is frustrated, angry, and yelling from the start.

Caller: “Cut the pleasantries. I am looking for a salt supplement for someone with a condition.”

I’m not sure I heard her correctly.

Me: “Could you repeat that, please?”

Caller: “Ugh. A SALT SUPPLEMENT FOR SOMEONE WITH A CONDITION. It is very important that you have this.”

We get a lot of odd requests in the health foods department, especially for trendy, health fad products, but as a high schooler working evenings doing mostly restocking, I do not know every supplement we have on hand — there are over 100 types — and what each is used for. I am not allowed to offer medical advice, which I am not sure I could do anyway with such a vague description.

Me: “We carry Epsom salts in two different sizes, if that is what you’re after. I am not sure if we carry any salt supplements, but perhaps I could ask the pharmacist who is just closing up.”

Caller: “I’M NOT LOOKING FOR EPSOM SALTS. I NEED A SALT SUPPLEMENT FOR SOMEONE WITH A CONDITION! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! WE NEED THE SALT SUPPLEMENT!”

Me: “Our pharmacy is just closing up, but the pharmacist is still here. Would you be willing to hold so I can go catch her before she leaves? Perhaps she will be able to help you find what you need.”

Caller: “NO, I WILL NOT HOLD!”

Me: “I could transfer your call to the pharmacy or leave your name and number for the dietician to call you tomorrow morn—”

Caller: “DO NOT TRANSFER ME. YOU NEED TO ANSWER MY QUESTION NOW. WHY DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT? THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! I NEED A SALT SUPPLEMENT FOR SOMEONE WITH A CONDITION!”

Me: “Ma’am, if it is a medical emergency, I recommend calling 911 or taking this person to the hospi—”

Caller: “YOU F****** B****! HOW DARE YOU NOT KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT?! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! I NEED A SALT SUPPLEMENT FOR SOMEONE WITH A CONDITION!” 

The customer continued cursing and ranting for about twenty more seconds and then she hung up.

I’d like to help you, lady, and I tried to connect you to the people with proper training. The high school student working at the grocery store at 9:00 pm on a Friday night is not the person from whom to get your emergency medical advice. I never did figure out what she needed, nor did I hear anything from my manager about an irate customer coming in to ask about a salt supplement. It’s been years, but my family will still occasionally start phone calls with, “I NEED A SALT SUPPLEMENT FOR SOMEONE WITH A CONDITION!”