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The Incredible Squeaking Dad

, , , , , | Related | September 7, 2020

There’s no way to say this without sounding like a sadist, so I’m just gonna say it: it is REALLY FUNNY to cause my dad pain. I’m not talking serious injury here — that’s never funny — but rather small things like poking, pinching, or pulling out splinters. That sort.

When you do that to my dad he will immediately jump, shriek, and then — if it’s one of us kids — scream in near falsetto things like, “Don’t do that!” or, “Stop that!” or, “I don’t LIKE that!” while ineffectively flailing and trying to hit his aggressor.

For years, our whole family laughs at him whenever this happens, which just makes him angrier and his voice goes even higher, which makes us laugh harder. He also seems to be convinced that we are the only people on Earth who find his “genuine throes of distress” hilarious.

Then, one day, he calls me out of the blue.

Dad: “Okay. I admit it.”

Me: “Admit what?”

Dad: “It’s pretty funny how I react to pain.”

Me: “It is. What brought this on?”

Dad: “I just got back from physical therapy. They gave me a massage and I would yell every time they poked me where it hurts. By the time they were done, both the therapist and nurse were laughing. And apparently, the rooms aren’t very soundproof, because when I went out to the waiting room, everyone out there was giggling, too.”

Me: “That’s amazing.”

Dad: “Yeah, so I guess it is pretty funny. I still don’t like it when you poke me, though!”

Me: “Completely understandable! Love you, bye!”

Yes, I do bring this up every time he’s complained that I’m being a sadist ever since.