The Great Emoji Wars

| Oakville, ON, Canada | Friendly | July 31, 2015

(An acquaintance I met once at a mutual friend’s party, and then interacted with occasionally on Facebook, announces in a status that she is leaving Facebook for good due to its distracting influence. In the status, she asks that anyone who wants to keep in touch send her some form of contact info by the end of the day. I comment on her status:)

Me: *referring to the party we met at* “Luckily I already have your number from when I helped you find [Mutual Friend]’s place!”

(She comments:)

Her: “[My Name], would you mind texting me because I switched phones and not all the contacts transferred. My number remains the same.”

(Later in the day, I text her. In the midst of the text, it occurs to me that I might be one of only a few named contacts in a sea of nameless numbers. The mood strikes me to be a bit silly.)

Me: “Hi [Her Name], it’s [My Name]! I am asserting my power among your contacts! The anonymous numerals will tremble before the might of my letters! MUAHAHAHHAHHHAAAAAA!!!!”

Her: “Oh no! They’re so overpowering! Must fight back with cute animal photos to melt them into mush as I know that is a weakness of yours!”

(My Facebook timeline is indeed a testament to my weakness for cute animals. I didn’t expect her to play along or get this into it, so I am pleasantly surprised. I wait for a cute photo, ready to respond with an anguished expression of defeat, but nothing arrives. I get another text.)

Her: “Ah, the picture refuses to send but it’s Puss in Boots with his big eyes.”

Me: “HAH! Your plan has been thwarted! You shall not save your companions so easily!”

Her: “I shall! I will find a way!”

(She sends a cat emoji.)

Her: “There, I sent a little emoji of a kitty instead.”

(The emoji, while sweet, is nothing compared to a cute animal photo.)

Me: “*laughs that mocking villain laugh* I am not to be swayed by such trifling cuteness!”

Her: “Then an ARMY of cuteness shall be enforced!”

(She sends a text containing several rows of various animal emojis.)

Her: “Kitties, puppies, hamsters, bunnies, koalas, and bear cubs attack!!!”

(I try to think of a way to communicate that emojis aren’t going to cut it, without breaking character.)

Me: “Your effort is valiant indeed, but I’m afraid this is a battle you could only win by quality, not quantity! And you lack the appropriate soldiers! Your numeric comrades are doomed!”

Her: “Never! We will fight to the end with our cuddles and affection! Fighting straight to the heart!!! With our big eyes and fluffiness! And occasional licking… And CLAWS AND SHARP TEETH!”

Me: “There is only one route to victory, my dear… And it’s closed to you! Resistance is FUTILE!”

Her: “Your walls shall break in due time, just you wait Ms. [My Last Name]… We’re small in size but mighty crawlers! You’d never kill us! That’s animal cruelty! Worst-case scenario, we’ll sue!”

Me: “I don’t have to kill any of your critters to spread my power throughout the numeric society!”

Her: “UNLESS… Your name has been replaced by them!”


Her: “And you shall henceforth be saved as [kitty emoji] rather than [My Name]!” *responding to my last text* “I JUST DID.”


Her: “Who’s laughing villainously now?! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!”

Me: “*falls to knees in defeat, weeping*”

Her: “There, there, my animals comfort you with cuddles, as we are a kind breed, and mean no serious harm or damage.”

(And that’s how my hostile takeover of the numeric society was swiftly thwarted by an emoji.)

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