The Gas Leak Isn’t Coming From The Meter

(I’m an emergency dispatcher at a local natural gas company. We have customers of questionable intelligence that search for suspected gas leaks with lighters or matches. Among our customers are the ones who get shut off for non-payment. I can’t turn an account on if they’re off for non-payment. That’s not an emergency. That’s the end of my job. I take a call on a Friday night.)

Customer: “Y’all shut me off and now I’ve paid so y’all can come back out now; turn me back on.”

Me: *spiel to a tee* “I’m very sorry, sir, but all reconnect orders after non-payment have to be issued by the Customer Service and Billing offices; they are closed at this time, but if you call back after 8 a.m. Monday, they’ll be happy to help you out.”

Customer: “You mean I won’t have gas this weekend?! No, no! Y’all will come out right f***ing now and reconnect this.”

Me: “Sir, I am not customer service; if you continue with this language I can and will hang up. I can’t issue an order to reconnect this service, but if you ca—”

Customer: “Now. I’ve paid the fee for an after-hour service, and it’s after hours.”

Me: “That charge is only applied once the initial payment has been processed and after we have worked that order after-hours. The payment won’t be processed until the office opens again at 8 a.m. on Monday.”

Customer: “So why are you there if you won’t do anything for me?”

Me: “We’re federally mandated to operate this office 24-hours a day. I’m here to dispatch my drivers to emergencies as and when they arise.”

Customer: “I don’t have gas. This is an emergency. I have kids.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t consider disconnection for non-payment an emergency.”

Customer: “Well, what’s an emergency?”

Me: “Any leaks, pressure issues, or damage to our equipment that needs to be addressed immediately.”

(Nearly audible ticking from the customer’s mind.)

Customer: “So if I had a gas leak, y’all would have to come and turn me back on?”

(The answer is an absolute no. The answer is that I dispatch not the usual one, but two different departments to look into something as serious as gas getting through a locked and sealed meter. But if you’re playing this game…)

Me: “Are you telling me you have an odor in your house, sir?”

Customer: *initially hesitant to fully commit* “I have a big, stinking odor that just walked in through the door.”

Me: “An odor of gas in your residence?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

(Game on.)

Me: *after well-rehearsed safety spiel* “And I’ll be dispatching my drivers to your address now. We’ll have to remove that meter for testing and make sure your house is safe. All our calls are recorded and any report of gas must be dealt with as quickly and safely as possible.”

Customer: *hangs up*

(I dispatched my 6’4″ bear of a technician and secondary driver to remove the meter. Didn’t hear from him again that night. He got reconnected on Monday… after his payment was processed in the other office as I’d told him. It’s always an emergency if you haven’t paid your bill for ten weeks…)