The Epic Saga Of Sir Reginald Von Rufflebuttum

(I work as the main cashier at my store during the 5 to 11 shift. One day several months ago some kid tried to purchase a toy lizard without having the money for it. At first I didn’t think much of it but, on a whacky whim, I put him on my shoulder for a little bit and the customers loved it. I bought the lizard and he’s been a mainstay ever since. I bring him out once or twice a month and usually let him ‘rest’ on my shoulder or head. Sir Reginald Von Rufflebuttum has been a huge hit, especially with the kids. A lot of people think he’s alive, though, due to me being in constant motion checking people out and it’s usually not until they get up to the checkout that they realize he’s not. A customer enters in with two kids, a boy and girl, in tow. The boy doesn’t seem to notice or care as I welcome them but the girl smiles and waves to me.)

Daughter: “Mommy! Mommy! Look! There’s a lizard on his head!” *points to Reginald*

(The mother doesn’t say anything but gives a quite clearly startled look as they continue on. Several minutes later they arrive at the cashier.)

Me: “Hello. How are you today? Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Mother: *looking at my head* “Is he real?”

Me: “Reginald? Yes. He’s a real fake lizard.” *I take him off my hand and put him in the palm of my hand and bring him down for all three to see*

Me: “See? Want to touch?”

(The kids eagerly do so and give him a poke before giggling. The mother looks very wary as she extends her finger forwards and, gingerly, touches him on his lizard-horn. She suddenly freaks out and swats at my hand sending Reginald to the ground as she darts away. Reggie lands on his back with the ‘Made in China’ showing clearly. The son quickly picks it up, hands it to his slightly taller sister, who gives it back to me as the mother calms down.)

Daughter: “Here you go, mister!”

Mother: “Oh, dear lord, I thought he was real!”

Son: “Mommy. Can I buy him?”

Me: “Sorry. Reginald is not for sale. But there are plenty of his cousins in the toy aisle including some dinosaurs and the like in case you’re interested. They cost about five bucks each.”

Mother: “Do you want one?”

(Both the son and daughter agree and run off, returning a moment later, with another lizard that looks like Reginald and a T-rex, right as we finish checking out.)

Mother: “All right. And add these to the order. Oh, my word, I haven’t been so startled in years. May I have your name?”

Me: “Sure. It’s [My Name], and the lizard is Sir Reginald Von Rufflebuttum.”

Mother: “Thank you so much.”

(I found out later that night that they had filed a survey and given me a high score. Sadly, the tale of Sir Reginald did not end on a happy note when he was stolen a few months later, just before Christmas. However, his heir, Sir Reginald Von Rufflebuttum the Second, has proven to be just as popular as his predecessor and has even had an outfit made for him for the Christmas season. My balance and posture has also drastically improved as well, thanks to him resting on top of my head all day.)