Save The Day, Get The Girl

(I am a girl. I am with my gay best friend, who is a guy. We are having a drink in a local pub.)

Homophobic Patrons: *hurling homophobic abuse at my friend*

My Friend: “I think I need to go. I’m not feeling very comfortable here.”

(Suddenly, a guy at the table next to us pipes in.)

Guy: “No! Don’t leave! You’ll only make them win!”

(The guy then stands up and confronts the homophobes.)

Guy: “I heard that the biggest abusers of gays are closet gays themselves that don’t have the emotional security to come to terms with themselves, and so take it out on those that do, out of jealousy.”

Homophobe #1: “Shut up, you gaylord! Or do you want to take it outside?”

Guy: “I would love to, and so would my friends drinking with me celebrating our recent win at the Ju-jitsu tournament.”

(The guy gestures to a table of about seven men; all seven stand to back him up. We are all suddenly aware of the large trophy in the middle of their table, clearly awarded for a martial arts tournament.)

Homophobe #1: “Hey, no worries man. I wasn’t trying to involve you anyway.”

Guy: “Yes you were. You were abusing someone that you didn’t know out of ignorance and insecurity, and no one should have to suffer because you’re useless as decent human being. Now, apologise to my friend and then leave this bar before you embarrass yourself even more.”

(Homophobe #1 turns to my friend.)

Homophobe #1: muttering softly* “Sorry.”

Guy: “Louder, please.”

Homophobe: “I’m… sorry.”

(The humiliated homophobe leaves with his friends. Our heroic saviour then turns to my friend.)

Guy: “Are you okay, mate?”

My Friend: “Are you gay?”

Guy: *laughs* “No, my friend. But thanks, I’m flattered.”

My Friend: “No, not for me! For her!”

(My friend shoves me in front of the guy.)

My Friend: “This is my friend. She is single, gorgeous, and in need of a heroic man in her life. You guys have a drink on me, because, trust me, if she doesn’t start dating you, I will!”

(The guy graciously accepts, and has a drink with me. Twelve years later, we are now married with children, with my friend as one of the godparents!)