The Birds And The Pees

, , , , , | Right | July 3, 2019

(I am a hostess at a popular breakfast restaurant in town. We have a beautiful patio with a huge tree over the top. Unfortunately, a large, vindictive crow has made a nest right above a table and has started pooping on people sitting at that table in order to assert its territory. We also, unfortunately, have a very abusive regular our boss won’t let us not serve. Yes, all of what he says here is roughly true, as far as I can remember it.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. Would you like to sit inside or on our patio today?”

Abusive Regular: “Where do you think I’d like to sit? God, you people are idiots.”

Me: “Ooookay. I’ll get you on the list for the patio right away, sir.”

Abusive Regular: “NO. YOU WILL SIT ME NOW. I’VE GIVEN THIS RESTAURANT A LOT OF BUSINESS, SO YOU WON’T PUT ME ON A LIST. YOU WILL SEAT ME OUTSIDE NOW.”

Boss: “Just seat him. Don’t put him on the list. I think #4 is free.”

(#4 is not the nicest table outside. That table is reserved for directly under the bird. I go to seat him elsewhere.)

Abusive Regular: “THE F*** ARE YOU DOING SEATING ME HERE? THIS TABLE SUCKS! I WANT THAT TABLE!” *points to the Bird Table* “Why do I keep coming back if they keep hiring morons like you?”

Me: “Right away, sir.”

(I quietly seated him at the Bird Table. Five minutes later, he came in screaming because the crow had just pooped on him. We never saw him again, and I got double tip-out for a week. Don’t piss off the hosting staff at a restaurant. We might give you exactly what you asked for.)

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