The Birds And The Bees Do It Differently These Days

(I am about 10 years old and my dad decides to have the talk with me. I’m a girl.)

Dad: “Do you want your mom or me to tell you?”

Me: “You!”

Dad: “Okay, um. Sex is when the male—“

Me: *chuckles* “I already know, Dad. I learned in school, like, in the third grade.”

Dad: “Oh, really? Well, tell me, then.”

Me: “Sex is when the guy’s, you know, Thing, goes out and the guy squirts his, you know, guy things, at the woman, so they fly in her vagina. Kind of like a squirt gun.”

(My mom immediately begins laughing and leaves.)

Dad: “No… that’s not what happens.”

Me: “Really? What does happen?”

Dad: “Um.”

(At this point, Dad is looking regretful that he didn’t say, yes, that’s what happens.)

Dad: “W-well, the guy’s, it’s called a penis, goes INTO the vagina. It doesn’t–”

Me: *gasp* “Omigod, really?! Ew! Is that what you did to Mom?! HOW COULD YOU!”

(I sat there, disgusted and traumatized, while a red faced Dad goes to find Mom. I really did think it was like that!)