The Biggest Squawking Isn’t Coming From The Bird

I have a pet cobalt lineolated parakeet or a “linnie” as fans of the species like to call them. While different from the more common budgie, they are definitely parakeets, and yes, mine has learned to talk. His voice sounds just like any budgie’s you can find in videos. He likes to make little commentaries and mish-mash lines to make his own conversation, especially if he’s relaxed and feeling conversational.

I’ve taken my linnie to the vet for a regular checkup and to have his claws trimmed. He’s healthy, with good feather condition, and the vet has no concerns. Needing to stop at a pet store, I bring him inside in his travel cage to pick up some new perches.

[Bird] is having an animated conversation, and I’m talking back to him, as animal lovers tend to do.

Me: “What do you think, [Bird]? Is this a good one?”

Bird: “Yeah!”

Me: “Okay. And this one?”

[Bird] makes a happy little trilling noise.

Me: “Sounds like approval to me!”

Bird: “Hiii!”

Me: “Hi!”

Bird: “Sexy!” *Proceeds to blow kisses*

Me: “Yes, you are!” *Returns the kisses*

Random Customer: “You are disgusting.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Random Customer: “I said you’re disgusting! Being attracted to animals is degenerate.”

Me: *Pauses* “His brain is the size of a fingerprint. He’s just imitating words that he’s heard. The things he says, and the thing I say back, don’t actually mean anything to him.”

What I don’t say out loud: “…and clearly his brain is bigger than yours.”

Random Customer: “I think you need to leave.”

Bird: “Ha ha ha ha! Sexyyy birrrrrd!”

Random Customer: “And that creature is no better!”

[Bird] makes a sound that usually means he’s getting impatient. Yeah, that’s fair; his tolerance for running around town is much shorter than mine. If we don’t go, he’s going to give me a really angry squawking.

Me: *To the random customer* “Whatever. It’s not my fault that you’re an idiot.”

I’ve gotten the perches I need, so I go up to the registers with the random customer trailing behind me, sputtering angrily.

I put the items on the counter. The cashier can see that I’m pretending the random customer doesn’t exist. Then, she spots the carry case.

Cashier: “Oh! Who have you brought to visit us today?”

Me: “This is [Bird]. He just got a little pedicure at the vet, and now we’re just getting some perches to replace his chewed-up ones.”

I lift the carry up and the cashier can see my little linnie through the window.

Cashier: “Ooooh, he’s so beautiful!”

Bird: “Hiii!”

Cashier: “Aww! Hi there, little man!”

The random customer is making grumbly, inarticulate noises and scowling at me like they want me to catch on fire with the heat of their stare. I’m still ignoring them.

I take [Bird] out of his cage briefly.

Me: “[Bird], are you sexy?”

At the trigger word, he promptly turns his back and then looks back over his shoulder like an attractive actress giving the “come hither” glance at a romantic interest.

The cashier makes a sound that tells me her heart just melted, and I fish out a piece of chopped-up apple to give to him for performing his trick.

Bird: “Nom-nom!”

He holds the apple bit in one foot and takes tiny bites.

Cashier: “Oh, my gosh, he’s adorable!”

The random customer has gone rather quiet as I pay for the perches and finish the transaction, just chatting the usual pet-lover information. A glance tells me that the random woman has silently and stealthily slunk off.

As we’re leaving, [Bird] gives a parting shot:

Bird: “Byeee, fell!”

Well, we’re still working on “Bye, Felicia”, but close enough, methinks.