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The Ballad Of Gregor Sparklebeard

, , , , | Friendly | May 30, 2020

I’m part of an online roleplaying group like Dungeons & Dragons. We’re starting a new and very small campaign to set a backstory for another campaign, consisting of me, two other players, and the Dungeon Master.

We are pirates, and I become the captain due to a dice roll. We’ve been told to introduce ourselves, and our only dwarf — usually a very prepared player — isn’t prepared.

Dwarf Player: “My name is… uh… Gregor… Erm…”

Me: “Sparklebeard.”

Other Player: “Yes.”

Dwarf Player: “No!”

DM: “I think your captain knows what her first mate’s name is.”

Dwarf Player: “When was it decided that I was the first mate?”

DM: “Just now, Sparklebeard.”

Dwarf Player: “My name isn’t Sparklebeard.”

Me: “It’s your stage name.”

Other Player: “Yup, ‘cause you’re a stripper.”

Me: “Yes. You dump glitter in your beard and strip; that’s how you got the name.”

DM: “Is there a set time where he does this?”

Me: “On the weekend.”

Other Player: “And only when drunk.”

Me: “That’s why he’s foggy on the subject.”

Dwarf Player: *Laughing* “Fine, I’ll take it. I’m a gay stripper on the weekend when drunk.”

DM: “Wait, a gay one?”

Dwarf Player: “If I’m being a pirate stripper, I’m being a fabulous one.”

Me: “We don’t judge on this ship.”

Fast forward later into the campaign. We’re victorious in a pirate battle, and thus, we start drinking. During our drinking, we’re ambushed and we’re struggling in that battle.

Dwarf Player:Wait! Am I drunk right now?!”

DM: “Roll for drunkenness. Low is drunk; high is sober. If you’re drunk, you have to roll with two dice. If you get a one, it’s three.”

The dwarf rolls and gets a four.

Dwarf Player: “Right. I dump glitter in my beard and strip to distract the enemy.” 

He rolls again and gets a seventeen and an eighteen.

DM: “Well. It works. The enemy is completely distracted by you.”

We proceeded to win the fight on the back of this roll. Later on, we also managed to sneak into a fort by using him as a stripper-gram. It was a very successful campaign.

This story was featured in our May 2020 roundup!

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