Happy Independence Day From Not Always Right!

It’s July 4th! And since it was a citizen of the United States that coined the term “The Customer Is Always Right,” we’ve decided to highlight an example of how this is not the case, from every single state. That’s right, fifty stories of customer service woe to tide you over while you wait for the fireworks! Happy Independence Day!

Alabama – Just A (Cast The First) Stone’s Throw Away From A True Christian

(I live in the Bible belt of America, where homophobia is the norm. I’m a gay man and was outed by a previous coworker, so now I deal with two or three bigots per week. This takes place an early Sunday morning.)

Me: “Hello. Did you find everything today?”

Customer #1: *a bigot who frequents my lane just to insult me* “Everything except a good, god fearing cashier!”

Me: *scanning items and not paying attention* “Your total is $48.50, sir. Would you like to pay cash or credit?”

Customer #1: “You’re going to Hell, you know! You and all your godd***** f*****! Pick up a Bible and learn how to be a Christian!”

(He then proceeds to throw his credit card at me. I check him out while enduring his verbal abuse, as usual. Finally he’s gone to bag his groceries while the next customer comes up. He’s an elderly man, around 60, wearing a sweater and a large prominent cross. I fear the worst but he hands me a gift card.)

Customer #2: “Bless you, son. I’d like you to have this to make up for those of us who are less then their best.”

(Customer #1 has heard Customer #2 and starts yelling.)

Customer #1: “You’re going to Hell for supporting this f**! Learn how to be a good Christian!”

(Customer #2 removes his sweater to reveals he’s a priest. Customer #1’s eyes widen in shock.)

Customer #2: “Well, if I’m going to Hell I don’t believe there’s much hope for any of us now, is there?”

(He was the new pastor for the church and one of his first sermons was on spreading love instead of hate. I thank you, good sir, for reminding me what a real Christian is like.)

 

Alaska – Giving The French Stick

Customer: *with a strong French accent* “I would like a ticket to Paris, USA.”

(His friends are snickering.)

Me: “The one in Illinois or in Tennessee?”

Customer: *pauses* “What?”

Me: “Do you want Paris IL, or Paris TN?”

Customer: “How about Marseilles?”

Me: “Okay, Marseilles in Illinois or Ohio?”

Customer: “Berlin?”

Me: “So, Connecticut?”

Customer: “Moscow?”

Me: “Idaho?”

Customer: “You’re making that up.”

(I show him the screen for Moscow, Idaho.)

Customer: “Look, I was only pointing out that American movies always list the city and country for a location because you’re too d*** stupid to know that Paris is in France!”

Arizona – You’re Only As Old As You Act

(An elderly woman well into her 70s comes through the check-out line with a single bottle of wine. I start to scan the bottle through.)

Customer: “Wait! Aren’t you going to check my ID?”

Me: “Er, no, ma’am, I don’t think it’s really necessary…”

Customer: “Well, that’s no good! You should check all ID if you’re selling alcohol.”

Me: “Well, okay. May I see your ID, please?”

(She hands over an ID card that is obviously fake.)

Me: “…ma’am, this card says you’re seventeen.”

Customer: “Oh, dear! You’ve caught me! I’m much too young to be buying this! It’s a good thing you were checking IDs. I’d better just go now! *skips out the door*

Me: “…”

 

Arkansas – Love Isn’t As Priceless As It Used To Be

(I work in a toy store where customers can custom build their own stuffed animals. A father and young daughter approach.)

Me: “Welcome to [toy store], have you picked out an animal to be stuffed today?”

Little girl: “Yes!”

(We proceed to stuff the bear and the little girl grabs one of the ‘push to talk’ buttons and hands it to me.)

Me: “Okay, you want to get the I love you button put in today?”

Father: “Hold on a second. Baby, what’s this thing?”

Little girl: “He puts it in the bear for me and when you push it, it says I love you!

Father: “How much does this thing cost?”

Me: “Five dollars, sir.”

Father: “S***! For five dollars, baby, I’ll tell you I love you! Go put that thing back.”

 

California – One Sells Cats, The Other Sells Cat-Suits

(I am the assistant manager at a store that specializes in adult videos and toys.)

Customer: “How did you end up here anyway?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “How did you end up working here?”

Me: “I applied?”

Customer: “No, I mean, what’s an innocent little girl like you doing working at a place like this?”

Me: “Well, you know how people who love animals work at pet stores?”

(The customer has a moment of realization and becomes clearly flustered.)

Customer: “Oh…well, excuse me.” *leaves hurriedly*

 

Colorado – Predicting A Storm Of Protest

(I work at an answering service that handles after-hours calls for various businesses. One of the accounts was a nice restaurant in the mountains of Colorado. A man calls one April to make a reservation.)

Caller: “I was hoping for a table on May 16th?”

Me: “It looks like there are various times open, so I can certainly set that up for you.”

Caller: “Okay, great. I’m going to be vacationing up there with my wife.”

Me: “Well, that sounds lovely!”

(We set up his dinner reservation.)

Caller: “So, can you give me any advice about what I should pack for a long weekend there? What is the weather like?”

Me: “Well sir, Colorado weather is very unpredictable, particularly in the spring. I would advise bringing clothing options for all seasons and dressing in layers.”

Caller: “I just want to know if I should pack warm clothes or short sleeves!”

Me: “Yes, sir, I understand that. However, springtime in Colorado has weather ranging from snowstorms to hot and sunny.”

Caller: “Oh, what nonsense. You clearly don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Me: “Sir, I have lived in this state all my life. A common saying here is that if you don’t like the weather you should wait five minutes, and that holds true all year. Spring and autumn are the most unpredictable and varied when it comes to temperature, so—”

Caller: “What was the temperature today?”

Me: “Today? Well, this morning it was thirty degrees with heavy frost on the ground, and by noon it was about seventy-five with clear skies and sunshine—”

Caller: “Are you trying to be difficult? There’s no reason to be a smart-a**, you know.”

Me: “No, sir, not at all. I’m very genuinely trying to help you. Even for people who are used to it, weather changes here can be quite—”

Caller: “You’re no help at all! I’ll just bring a few pairs of shorts and t-shirts.”

Me: “Sir, please don’t do that. You will need warmer clothes in the mountains!”

Caller: “So, now I should bring my winter clothes? Why didn’t you just say so?!”

Me: “Well, you should, but bring some cooler clothes as well because—”

Caller: “No! It has to be one or the other! I don’t want to bring more than I need!”

Me: “You will definitely NEED options for highly variable temperatures. I’m very sorry, but—”

Caller: “You’re useless! It’s just four days. It can’t be that complicated!”

Me: “Look, four days ago it was shorts and tank top weather. Two days ago it snowed for a day and a night. I personally keep a heavy coat and a pair of sandals in my car because there are days when I need them both. Believe me, I wish it were all nice and predictable, but it really IS that complicated. I’m not making this up for fun.”

Caller: “Oh, I’ve never heard such nonsense. Springtime is bound to be nice, so I’ll pack for that. Thanks for nothing!”

Me: “Sir, I really advise—”

Caller: “And cancel the dinner reservation!” *click*

(May 16th turns out to be a properly variable week, with wind, rain, sun, and overnight snow.)

 

Connecticut – Trying To Stamp Out Stupid

(I am friendly with our neighborhood postal delivery lady, and always chat with her when taking the dog out for his afternoon walk. She was telling me about the new neighbors that just moved in.)

Postal Lady: “Hey, how are you doing?”

Me: “Good. Yourself?”

Postal Lady: “I tell you, I have to deal with some pretty stupid people on my job. You’re going to like this. Do you know where the new neighbors just moved in?”*points to the house*

Me: “Yeah. What about them?”

Postal Lady: “Well, the other day, when I was when I was delivering their mail, the lady came screaming, waving her arms, running out of her house, because she wanted to ask me if she wants to mail something what does she need to do.”

Me: “Okay…”

Postal Lady: “So I tell her if she puts something in the mailbox, just put the flag up. Then she asked, ‘What flag? You never gave me a flag!’ So I showed her, by moving it up and down. She responded, ‘I don’t think that you are very intelligent. That is NOT a flag. A flag is a piece of fabric on a pole. This is just a piece of plastic!’”

(I start laughing.)

Postal Lady: “Wait, it gets better. Today, when I delivered her mail, the ‘flag’ was up. And in it I found this:”

(She showed me an envelope with a handwritten address, and where the stamp should have been was a square that read ‘First Class Mail: No Stamp Needed of Mail in the USA’ that was cut out of a piece of junk mail and taped on to the envelope.)

 

Delaware – Customer Requests Can Be Unrealistic

(I work for a large retailer at a mall as a security guard which means wearing a dress shirt and tie with a jacket. As it’s the holiday shopping season it is impossible to find parking. I had just parked my car to go into work when I was approached by an older lady in her vehicle.)

Customer: “Excuse me young man, are you leaving?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I just got here.”

Customer: “Why are you all dressed up?”

Me: “Well, I work at the store over here.”

Customer: “So you’re not a real person? You should give me your spot.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You’re not a real person. You don’t need to park here like everyone else!”

 

Florida – Just Telling It Like It Is

(Two customers approach the counter, the first being a tall, bald man and the second being an elderly lady.)

Customer: “Hi. I’m every customer ever, and I have a bunch of stupid questions and unreasonable demands.”

Me: “Hi. I’m every employee ever, and I present a negative attitude as well as an unforgivable ignorance of both the products my employer sells and how to conduct myself civilly with other human beings.”

Customer: “Like an idiot, I have approached you with no idea what I want. But I nevertheless expect you to keep your full attention on me while I waste your time.”

Me: “That’s fine. I’ve already tuned you out and began to sing the theme song to Duck Tales to myself in my head as you bring us collectively closer to death without having accomplished anything meaningful.”

Customer: “Regarding [liquor], I will now proceed to barrage you with questions about it that either you have no way of knowing, or which I should already d*** well know the answers to.”

(I hand him a bottle of the liquor he mentioned and start to ring it up.)

Me: “I respond to your worthless questions with vague and unsatisfying responses, as my cranial faculties are occupied with lewd and lascivious irrelevancies. That will be [price], you personification of the downfall of western civilization.”

Customer: “I object to the price quoted, even though it is clearly indicated on the shelf behind you, and suggest some sort of extortion on your part, undoubtedly fueled by prejudice towards some aspect of my appearance, race, culture, or creed.”

Me: “Although mentally I am most certainly questioning your intelligence, parentage and/or upbringing, I merely offer transparently insincere apologies.”

Customer: “I proclaim in brash and vulgar terms my dissatisfaction. I make a laughable and grandiose claim of my own importance, such as being a millionaire, the brother of your company’s CEO, or perhaps the good old-fashioned ‘Do you have any idea who I am?’ I further suggest that I could have you fired effortlessly and fully intend to do so for the insufficient quantity of butt-kissing you have exhibited toward me over the course of this transaction.”

Me: “I sadly inform you that my superior is not present on the premises and unhelpfully refer you to the company help line. Quietly I memorize the details of your face so that I can fantasize about committing acts of unspeakable and grotesque violence toward same at some later date.”

(The customer begins walking out the door.)

Customer: “Vague and impotent threat to your person and questioning of your sexual orientation!”

Me: “Sarcastic suggestion to have a nice day!”

(He walks out the door. The old lady behind him looks thoroughly perplexed by our exchange.)

Old Lady: “Who was that?”

Me: *shrugging* “My manager.”

 

Georgia – Judging By Their Cover

(I’m stocking the front-of-store. A couple asks me for help.)

Wife: “Hi, we’re looking for a gift for a really weird friend of ours. He’s really hard to shop for.”

Me: “Sure, what sort of thing are you looking for?”

Husband: “No, he’s really weird. He actually likes to read books.”

Wife: “Hush, honey. He works in a bookstore. He’s probably weird too.”

 

Hawaii – Cancun, Oahu, Same Difference

(Standing in line behind a tourist, while she is getting rung up.)

Cashier: “Aloha, how are you today?”

Tourist: “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Could you talk in English please?”

Cashier: “Hello, how are you today?”

Tourist: “Fine, we just flew here from America today.”

(The cashier rings up the tourist’s few items.)

Cashier: “That will be twenty five dollars and eighty five cents.”

Tourist: “Do you take American money here? I only have American money. I have not been able to get to the currency exchange yet.”

Cashier: “Ma’am, we are in the United States. We take dollars here.”

Tourist: “Oh really? You take this money?” *holds up her $20 bill*

Cashier: “Yes, ma’am, those are dollars, and being a US state we do accept those.”

Tourist: “Well that’s very nice of you to accept foreign money.”

Cashier: *puzzled* “Mahalo, have a great day!”

Tourist: *under her breath* “I told her I didn’t speak Spanish!”

 

Idaho – Speaking Posh Gets You No Dosh

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. My name is Steve. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Who did you say this was?”

Me: “Steve. With whom do you wish to speak?”

*long pause*

Caller: “Did you just say ‘whom’?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “I have the wrong number.”

 

Illinois – Mission: Impossible

Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”

Me: *I pick up some stuff* “Not a problem. I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”

Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”

Me: “Open your car.”

Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer—you can’t touch it!”

Me: “Then how do I open it?”

Customer: “That’s your problem.”

Me: “Actually it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”

Customer: “You have to open it.”

Me: “Watch me not open it.”

Customer: “Okay, then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”

Me: “So, If I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Your car might just be there forever.”

 

Indiana – Elixirs Of Everlasting Life Are On Aisle 5

(While ringing up a customer, the computer flags cold medicine and asks for age verification.)

Me: “Sir, I need to verify your date of birth.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “You’re trying to buy medicine and I just need your date of birth to confirm you are over the age of 18.”

Customer: “Oh. April 20th, 1420.”

Me: “Sir, I really need your actual birth date to continue.”

Customer: “4-20-1420. Put it in.”

(I enter the date. The system accepts. I look in disbelief.)

Customer: “Told you.”

 

Iowa – Mexico Will Pay The Tax For Me

(A customer has been somewhat annoying and his wife is getting tired of it. He becomes unconvinced that their 10% off coupon works and begins doing the math, saying that it should only have been $50.)

Wife: “You have to add the tax.”

Husband: *serious* “I don’t pay taxes. I’m a Trump supporter.”

 

Kansas – Some People Can’t Handle Their Sugar

(I am stocking coke in the aisle. A very perturbed customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “Young man, my doctor said I can’t drink coke anymore.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

(I continue stocking the coke.)

Customer: “Young man, I just told you that I can’t drink this stuff.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Would you like me to help you find something else?”

Customer: “I said I can’t drink this stuff!”

(She grabs a two-liter bottle and throws it to the ground. She puts her hand into the shelf behind the product and starts walking down the aisle, scooping all the soda on the floor.)

Customer: “I can’t drink coke! I can’t drink coke!”

(She begins stomping on the cans and bottles and kicking them around. By the time she’s worn herself out, the floor is covered. The cans are spraying little jets of cola. She looks at me, then over my shoulder at the liquor dept.)

Customer: “He said I can’t drink whiskey either!”

(She starts to charge the liquor dept. Thankfully, that is when the security guard steps in front of her, takes her hand, and leads her out of the store.)

 

Kentucky – Bribery (Adjusted For Inflation)

(A guy and his wife came into my store to ask about Wii’s. The conversation went as follows…)

Man: “Where do you keep your Wii’s at?”

Me: “We don’t have any in stock right now.”

Man: “When you gettin’ some?”

Me: “No idea man. They just ship it to us…we are getting them about once a week but no set date or anything like that.”

Man: “Uh-huh…so you know the date but you aren’t allowed to tell us.”

Me: “No…I don’t know the date.”

Man’s wife: “They play it off like it’s a big secret!”

(They leave and the man comes back about 25 minutes later, this time without his wife. He has this giant smile on his face and approaches me next to the counter.)

Man: “Hey buddy, if you let me know when one of those Wii’s come in I’ll give you twenty dollars.”

Me, in a very childlike excited tone: “Twenty dollars?!?! Really mister? That will totally cover all my bills and rent and anything else I need but can’t afford because I’ve lost my job!!”

Man: “Everybody is a godd**n smarta**…”

 

Louisiana – Baaah-laboring The Obvious

Customer: “Do you have any kid’s shoes?”

Me: *thinking she’s referring to a similar-sounding brand* “Yes. They are right over here.”

Customer: “No, not these. Kid’s shoes!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. The youth department is over here.”

Customer: “No, not kid’s, kid’s!”

Me: “I’m sorry, are you looking for the brand, or kid’s shoes?”

Customer: “Kid’s!”

Me: *showing her the brand* “Is this what you are looking for?”

Customer: “Yes. Do you have them in kid’s?”

Me: “No, we do not have kid’s sizes.

Customer: “I am not looking for kid’s sizes! I am looking for some to fit me!”

Me: *confused* “These are our adult shoes…the youth section is over there.”

Customer: “Do you even know what a kid is?”

Me: “No?”

Customer: “A kid is a baby goat! I am looking for shoes made out of baby goat skin!”

 

Maine – The Maine Difference Between The Accents

(I work in a travel plaza in a town in central Maine, fairly close to the Canada/USA border. The plaza is the only sort of gas station, restaurant, and other amenity on the highway for miles, so we get the gamut of travelers, most of whom are weary from long hours of driving. We are encouraged to be as helpful as possible, and to make conversation while ringing up customers.)

Me: “Did you find everything alright?”

Customer: “Well, I did in here, but…”

Me: “But?”

Customer: “You from around here?”

Me: “Actually, I grew up in the next town over.”

Customer: “Excellent. What is there to do in this area?”

(I offer a few suggestions of popular tourist attractions, and unique local restaurants. The customer gives me an odd look and is silent while I tell him his total. While I’m counting his change, he suddenly explodes. He knocks half his purchases off the counter to get in my face and starts shouting.)

Customer: “DON’T YOU LIE TO ME!”

Me: “I’m sorry; excuse me?!”

Customer: “You stupid b****! There’s no WAY you’re from here! How do I know everything you just told me isn’t all fake? I want to talk to someone who is actuallyfrom this area!”

Me: “With all due respect, sir, what makes you say that?”

Customer: “You don’t have the accent!”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “See! I told you you were lying! If you really grew up here, you’d have that authentic Maine accent! ‘Pahk the arnge cah in the yahd’.”

Me: *drawling into a thick ‘Maine’ accent* “Ayuh well there sir what you got yourself there is a Boston accent; you ain’t soundin’ like no Mainer, deyah.”

Customer: “What the f*** did you just say?!”

Me: *in normal voice* “I said, I worked very hard growing up to learn to enunciate properly, but I can assure you I’m far more authentically Maine than these lobster souvenirs you just spent $10 on and then broke. I’m glad to know my hard work paid off. Have a safe trip now, ‘deyah.’”

 

Maryland – Symphony In Underage Minor

(I work at a music store which also offers private lessons. There’s a student practicing on a piano when another customer comes in.)

Me: “Welcome to [music store], how may I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like a to buy a piano for my son. He’s starting lessons next week.”

Me: “Digital, upright, or grand?”

Customer: “I just want a piano!”

Me: “Certainly. This is the Roland RD-700GX, which–”

Customer: “Is that girl for sale with that piano?” *points to the girl*

Me: “Uh, no, ma’am. That is a student. She’s just practicing.”

Customer: “Well, I want that girl to teach my son! How much does she cost?”

Me: “Ma’am, she is NOT for sale.”

Customer: “She’s not? But she’s sitting right there! This is false advertisement!”

Me: “We sell pianos, ma’am. Not children.”

Customer: “But it’ll be so romantic to have that playing in the background during meals!”

Me: “Ma’am. For the last time, she is not for sale. Please stop.”

Customer: *walks over to girl* “Hello!”

Girl: “Uh…hi?”

Customer: “How much do you cost?”

Girl: *without missing a beat* “Lady, you must be really desperate if you’re looking for a hooker in a music store!”

Customer: *quickly leaves the store*

 

 

Massachusetts – Getting Your Priorities Straight

(A guest approaches the hotel front desk.)

Guest: “Um, hi…it looks like there was a pretty bad accident right down the street there…”

Me: “Oh okay, I’ll call 911.”

Guest: “It looks like a cab and a bus.”

Me: “Okay, thank you.” *picks up the phone*

Guest: What are you doing?

Me: “Calling 911.”

Guest: “Look, a lot of people have cell phones, I’m sure it’s fine. What I’m concerned about is that I think that was my cab.”

Me: “?”

Guest: “SO ARE YOU GOING TO CALL ME A CAB OR NOT?!”

 

Michigan – Failed Across The Board-ing

(I recently started working at a restaurant in my local airport. We serve passengers waiting to board their flights. As a rule, we tell all of our customers how long their food will take so that they don’t risk missing their flight or not receiving their food in time to board. I am visibly pregnant.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Can I get a cheeseburger combo from the grill?”

Me: “Sure! Just so you know, they usually take about 10-15 minutes to make. Is that alright?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s fine…”

(I give the woman her total, cash out the transaction, and she goes to her boarding area. After about five minutes, she returns.)

Customer: “Where the f*** is my burger?!”

Me: “Ma’am, as I said before, they take anywhere from 10-15 minutes to make. I can go check and see how much longer it will be for you.”

Customer: “Bulls***! You didn’t tell me that! My plane is boarding! I’m going to miss my flight!”

Me: “Hold on one second, ma’am and I’ll go check.”

Customer: “No, f*** that! I want a manager and a refund!”

(I fetch my manager.)

Customer: “I want this pregnant s*** fired! She didn’t tell me that the food would take this long! How could you even hire someone like that? I don’t want some knocked up s*** taking my order!”

Manager: “Ma’am, you are entitled to a refund. However, you are not entitled to insult my cashier and disturb the other customers. Also, I don’t doubt that my cashier told you how long the food would take. I’m betting you didn’t notice her saying it. Just like you didn’t notice that she is wearing a wedding band excluding her from your s*** comment, didn’t notice that your food has been sitting on the hot tray for a full two minutes while you berated my employee, and didn’t notice that your flight is not boarding. The flight boarding is for uniformed military only.”

Customer:*stammers, takes her burger, and goes back to her boarding area in silence*

 

Minnesota – Hey Mr DJ, Put My Record On

(I work at a DJ in a club. Although I do take requests, I play them where they will fit into the set so that it isn’t weird and everything flows together. On this particular night, it is kind of slow. I start a new set with some slower rap songs; there is a dance floor with 20 to 30 people on it.)

Me: “Hey, what can I do for you?”

Customer #1: “Can I hear You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC? Everyone loves that song, and everyone is going to dance. They will love it!”

(The music currently playing is ‘Swimming Pools’ by Kendrick Lamar. It is 68 beats per minute, and hard rap. The song the customer is requesting is in the 130 bpm range.)

Me: “Sure, I will play it as soon as I can.”

Customer #1: “Can you play it next?”

Me: “Probably not, but I try to get it in as soon as I can.”

(She walks away. Approximately two songs go by; the customer returns.)

Customer #1: “Well, are you going to play my song? Do you even REMEMBER WHAT SONG I TOLD YOU?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, AC/DC’s You Shook Me. I have to think of the dance floor right now, but I will play it as soon as I can fit it in with other music.”

Customer #1: *cheerfully* “THANKS!”

(It should also be noted that I have her song, and the other songs that I am going to play with it, in the song-queue and ready to be played soon. I’m at around 120 bpms, but the dance floor is now around 40-50 people. I get rated by the owners of the Bar/Club by how well I am at getting—and keeping—a dance floor. I get either a nightly bonus or a raise based on the dance floor.)

Customer #1: *startling me* “ARE YOU F****** STUPID! I SAID I WANT THE GOD D*** SONG PLAYED NOW, YOU C***!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m getting to it. It’s going to be played in the next five minutes. When I feel that I can reasonably put it in and keep the dance floor, I will play it. I will even buy you a drink for your wait. Okay?”

Customer #1: “No! You’re going to play it now! I am a paying customer! I am f****** rich, so I don’t need your handouts!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Customer #1: “F*** you, and this place! You were never going to play it! And stop grinning like you’re so great! I make more money than God, and I could buy this place and fire your piece-of-s*** a**! How f****** hard is your job? PLAY MY DAMN SONG NOW, YOU SON OF A B****!”

Me: “Firstly, I’m sorry you feel this way, and won’t wait patiently like everyone else. Secondly, God doesn’t make money, so therefore a child finding a penny on the street makes more money than God. Thirdly, my job is keeping a dance floor, it’s how I get paid, raises and bonuses. Fourthly, I was going to play your song, but now I’m not so sure.”

(Suddenly, Customer #1 tries to punch me, and then smashes her glass and another customers drink on the floor and storms out. Then I see another customer, Customer #2, come walking inside followed by the very irate Customer #1. Customer #1 is visibly yelling, being held back by security as they try to haul her outside. I turn down the music. I do this, because everyone on the dance floor is watching her and no longer dancing. I turn it down so I and everyone else can hear the screaming better.)

Customer #1: *to Customer #2* “How f****** dare you call me white trash! I’m so much better than you! I own the mall down the street! I work for the state finding people like you places in [trailer park] because you’re f****** poor!”

Customer #2: *laughing hysterically* “No, you work down at the mall. You own the 5th trailer in [trailer park], on [street address], and your name is [Customer #1].”

Customer #1: “I’LL F****** KILL YOU!”

(Customer #1 pulls out a small blade. The security guard throws her to the ground. They take the knife away, and hold her there until the cops come. As they are arresting her, I stop all music to dead silence, and speak over the microphone.)

Me: “To the woman getting arrested, here is your requested parting gift!”

(I crank the chorus of ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ by AC/DC all the way up as she’s being hauled off. I can see her trying to break free and get to me while she mouths ‘YOU SON OF A B****!’. Everyone starts cheering.)

 

Mississippi – The Joy Of Sex(ism), Part 3

(I’m a male to female transsexual working in a call center. My name is an androgynous name, so I still use the male name when greeting customers for legal reasons.)

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support, K***y speaking. How can I help you today?”

Sexist Caller: “You can’t help me. Get me someone who can.”

Me: “I’m sure I can assist you sir, what is the problem today?”

Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to you!”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Sexist Caller: “I ain’t talking to no girl.”

(This caused me to both be glad that my voice passes for female on the phone, but really pissed me off cause of how horrible it was…but I would have my revenge…)

Me: “I’m terribly sorry to hear that sir, are you sure?”

Sexist Caller: “Get me a man, God d**n it!*

Me: “Okay sir, let me see what I can do. Please hold.”

(I proceed to put him on hold. I then spend the next few minutes eating a snack, reading some web comics, etc. I then clear my throat, and hit the button to take him off hold.)

Me: *with my old male voice this time* “Thank you for calling technical support, this is K***y speaking, how can I help you?”

Sexist Caller: “Oh thank god, I though I was gonna be stuck with that b**ch.”

Me: “Understandable sir, she’s not that good a technician.”

Sexist Caller: “You guys got the same name, you related or something?”

Me: “No way, thank God… ”

(I proceeded to reinstall his operating system from where he had totally screwed it up. I got written up for this, all while the manager was laughing and apologizing that he had to do it.)

 

Missouri – Se Habla Japañol

(I am taking orders on both lanes at the fast food restaurant. I already have other customers at the second window as someone pulls up to the menu board.)

Customer: “Hablas español?” (“Do you speak Spanish?”)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

Customer: “Hablas español?”

(I say the only thing I know in Spanish.)

Me: “Lo siento, pero no puedo hablar español. Solamente inglés o japonés.” (“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Only English or Japanese.”)

Customer: *in heavily accented English* “I SPEAK JAPANESE TOO!”

Me: “Hontoo? Nihongo o hanasu?” (“Really? You speak Japanese?”)

Customer: “Soo desu yo! Shichi-ban ga hoshii, nomimono wa Sprite desu!” (“Yes I do! I want a number 7 with Sprite!”)

Me: “Nani mo ga hoshii?” (“Would you like anything else?”)

Customer: “Chotto.” (“No thank you.”)

Me: “Hai soo desu, shichi doru san juu sento onegaishimasu. Ni-ban me fune de gozaimasu.”

(The other customers at the second window are still there with a flabbergasted look on their faces. I hand them their food.)

Me: “Don’t ask, it’d take too long to explain. Have a nice night.”

Other Customers: “Sayonara!”

 

Montana – A Burning Question

(Our restaurant is having work done to the roof. A construction worker accidentally sets the insulation on fire, pouring smoke into the building. As the fire trucks are fighting the fire, a lady pulls up in a car.)

Customer: “Do you sell gift certificates?”

Me: “Why yes, but I can’t sell you any right now.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: *points at the fire and the firemen* “The store is currently on fire.”

Customer: “Can’t you just run in and grab some for me?”

 

Nebraska – Heartlessness Is In the Heart Of The Beholder

(A customer walks in with two young dogs.)

Me: “Hello. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, these two dogs belonged to my mother, who recently passed away. Her dying wish was to have them buried with her.”

Me: “I don’t understand.”

Customer: “I would like them euthanized, so I can have them cremated and put into her casket with her.”

Me: “How old are they? Do they have any health issues?”

Customer: “They are two years old. They are healthy, but you need to put them down, now! I need them to be buried with my mother, so they can join her in heaven!”

Me: “Ma’am, we will not euthanize two perfectly healthy dogs.”

Customer: *while walking out* “Fine! You people are heartless!”

 

Nevada – Every Valet’s Dream Come True

(A man pulls into the parking lot with a beautiful 1972 Rolls Royce. As a general rule, when someone comes in with a car that nice I just let them park it themselves right up front. This conversation takes place as he is leaving the restaurant.)

Customer: “I need you to pull my car around for me.”

Me: “I never took the keys from you.”

Customer: “The keys are in the ignition. Please go get my car.”

Me: “Well, if you insist…”

(I pull the car around VERY carefully.)

Customer: “That was completely unacceptable. I want you to drive around again, only this time when you start off, do a burnout!”

 

New Hampshire – Insulated From Logic

(A customer has called our support line because his computer won’t turn on. After 30 minutes of basic troubleshooting I recommend he either bring his machine to us or have a tech dispatched for an on site repair. He chooses to have a tech dispatched. As I am finishing the call…)

Customer: “Oh, one last question. Can the tech work on my computer around the cooler, or do I have to remove it before he gets here?”

Me: “We generally advise that you don’t do anything like that yourself, since you would be voiding your warranty. If anything needs to be removed from the computer the tech will do it himself.”

Customer: “I know that. I was asking if I should remove the computer from the cooler.”

Me: “Remove the computer?”

Customer: “Yeah. Should I take it out of the cooler?”

Me: “Your computer is in a cooler? Like, the kind of cooler you take to a beach to keep your drinks cold? That kind of cooler?”

Customer: “Exactly.”

Me: “Why is your computer in a cooler, sir?”

Customer: “A few days ago I read that heat can be really bad for a computer. My living room gets really hot in the afternoon, so I put the computer in a cooler to protect it from the heat.”

Me: “Sir, you know that coolers are insulated, right?”

Customer: “I’m not stupid. I know what a cooler is.”

Me: “And you know that computers produce heat, right?”

Customer: “Like I said, I’m not stupid!”

Me: “Then you know what happens when you put something that produces heat inside of an insulated container, right?”

Customer: “I, uh, oh…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “This is going to be expensive, isn’t it?”

 

New Jersey – Always Loyal

(I used to work at the local store of a chain. I’m now in the same store doing some shopping, and come across someone making a scene in one of the aisles.)

Customer: “Now, you listen to me. I’ve been coming here for ten years. Every time I come here, you people are nothing but rude and unhelpful, you never have what I want, and everything is ALWAYS the wrong price!”

Me: “Hey, miss, can I give you some advice?”

Customer: “Huh? Oh, do YOU know how to deal with these people?!”

Me: “Yep. Leave.”

Customer: “Wh… what?”

Me: “You’ve got a completely full cart there, crammed to the gills. It’s stuff from pretty much every section of the store, so I figure you were probably here for at least an hour. I KNOW you’ve been here for at least twenty minutes, because your voice carries like the screech of a crow. Half the things you’re asking the staff to do, they can’t; the other half you’re asking them to do they probably would, if you hadn’t been making their lives miserable from the moment you walked in. I also saw your husband or boyfriend or brother or whatever; he is over there trying to tell people to leave because you think these guys are crooks. He’s an a**-hole.”

Customer: *stumbling over herself in rage* “How DARE you!?”

Me: “Oh, and by the way, you have thirty days to return items. It’s on the receipt, it’s on the huge sign up at Guest Services, and it’s online. That garbage you’re yelling about them being ‘required’ to return is from last year’s collection, which I know because I have a set at home. It’s good quality stuff, so how you broke yours I can only imagine.”

Customer: “Who do you think you are to talk to me like that!?”

Me: *totally deadpan* “I’m the god-d***ed Batman.”

(I don’t really know what possessed me to say that. At least it got the poor, shell-shocked store employee to laugh his head off. The woman sticks her nose up in the air and storms off.)

Employee: “Oh, my gosh, THANK you. We’re never allowed to tell off the customer unless they’re being offensive or violent, and she hadn’t hit that yet!”

Me: “Semper Fidelis.”

Employee: “What?”

Me: “I was here 2002-2004, worked every section in hardlines, and spent three Christmases in the toy section. I also dealt with that EXACT problem from your end. That was about a decade of steam I just let off my chest!”

 

New Mexico – The First And True Language Of America

(I’m waiting in line behind a woman speaking on her cellphone in another language. Ahead of her is a white man. After the woman hangs up, he speaks up.)

Man: “I didn’t want to say anything while you were on the phone, but you’re in America now. You need to speak English.”

Woman: “Excuse me?”

Man: *very slow* “If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English.”

Woman: “Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England.”

 

New York – In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You

(The phone rings.)

Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Pizza… Oh, f***, not again.”

(She hangs up. A few customers come and go, and the phone rings again.)

Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Piz— f*** this!”

Customer: “Hey, lady, problem with the phone?”

Cashier: “Some sicko keeps calling from a blocked number and making creepy comments.”

Customer: “Hang on. I gotta go find my friend.”

(He pays and leaves… and comes back with a 6’8″ NYPD police officer.)

Police Officer: *with a minor Russian accent* “I hear you’re having a problem with a caller?”

Customer: “No, no. Do the accent! Make it f***in’ scary!”

Police Officer: *in a deeper voice with a thick accent* “Excuse me. I hear you have problem with caller?”

(The cashier explains. The police officer orders a slice of pizza, and he and his friend sit and chat for a few minutes. Then the phone rings.)

Cashier: “It’s a blocked number!”

Police Officer: *on the phone, with the accent* “Hello…. You are thinking my body is what? I am thinking your body probably very fragile. Very easy to— Oh, he hung up.”

(They stare at the phone a few minutes.)

Customer: “Problem solved?”

Cashier: *to customer* “So… is your buddy there single?”

Police Officer: *in accent* “Boris have many women. All are love him!”

Customer: “You’re married and your name isn’t Boris!”

Police Officer: “Boris is name of accent. Has life of its own.”

 

North Carolina – When Rants Get Real

(These customers are usually regulars and rant with us.)

Customer: “Those d*** telemarketers keep calling me at home. I swear, one of these days, I’m going to find those f***s and gun them down!”

Me: “Aww, that’s hardly fair. They’re just doing their job, you know?”

Customer: “Yeah, well that’s what the Nazis said at Nuremberg.”

Me: “Are you honestly trying to comparing somebody calling you at home inconveniently equal to genocide?”

Customer: “D*** right it is. They should do something about it too! Hold a trial or something.”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think it’s really fair to make that sort of judgment on any individual.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re saying that what the Nazis did was okay?”

Me: “Not at all. Just that it’s a bit of a stretch.”

Customer: “Uh huh…you seem like the kind of guy who’d stand up for the terrorists, too wouldn’t you? I bet if they built a mosque on Ground Zero, you’d be okay with that, too!?”

Me: “They’re already doing that.”

Customer: “Wait, what!?”

 

North Dakota – Will Pay For That Later

(I’m making a big coupon trip to a big-box retailer, a really big trip I’ve been planning for the better part of a week. I have a couple hundred items in my cart, and just as many coupons that need to be scanned. As the cashier starts scanning, I let anyone who gets in line behind me know that I have a lot of coupons and that my checkout will take a while so they might want to get in another line. They all decide to go to another line, until…)

Me: “I’ve got a few hundred coupons that are going to need to be scanned after he’s done ringing up my items.” *waves big stack of coupons* “So this will be a while. You might want to get in another line.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do. This register has the shortest line. I’m checking out here.”

Me: “All right, just wanted to let you know the coupons were going to take a bit to scan.”

(In a few minutes, the cashier has finished ringing up all my items.)

Cashier: “Your total is $1,760.43.”

Me: “Okay. Here are my coupons.”

(The customer behind me groans loudly and mutters something about ‘people who can’t afford to just buy things.’ As the cashier continues to scan my coupons, she gets more pissed off and more impatient.)

Me: “I’m sorry this is taking so long. This is why I suggested you might want to get in another line.”

Customer: “YOU should have gotten in another line, you dumb b****! I don’t know who the f*** you coupon b****es think you are, making those of us who work for a living wait for you so you can get 50 cents off your stupid crap. You’re just wasting my time, you stupid b****!”

(The rant continues while the cashier continues to scan my coupons. The cashier and I just roll our eyes at each other about the woman’s behavior and let her rant at us. Finally, after about 15 minutes, the cashier scans the final coupon and announces my savings.)

Cashier: “All right, so from $1,760, you’re down to $132.73, and you’ve earned $245 in gift cards. Thank you for shopping at [Store]!”

Me: “Thank you for your patience. Have a great day!”

(I grab my bags and start to head out when the woman behind me yells for me. I turn.)

Customer: “So, do you, like, teach people how to do this?”

Me: “Yes, I absolutely do, but dumb coupon b****es like me shouldn’t take up the time of people who work for a living like you, so I wouldn’t be able to help you. Enjoy paying for your things!”

 

Ohio – The UK Is Football Mecca

(I am a server at a popular bar and restaurant in a college town in Ohio. On Sundays, we are allowed to wear jerseys of our favourite teams. The following occurs when I approach a table on Parents’ Weekend wearing a Manchester City jersey with the Etihad Airways kit.)

Me: “Good afternoon, welcome to [restaurant].”

Woman: “I can’t believe they allow you to wear that! That shirt is horribly offensive!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Woman: “Etihad? What is that? Some ‘Muslim Brotherhood’ thing, no doubt. We live in a Christian nation, you know! We don’t need any of your type around here!”

Me: “Um, ma’am, I was raised Catholic. This is a soccer jersey from Manchester City, in the UK.”

Woman: “I can’t believe they’d let a terrorist serve us in a place like this! We’re leaving!”*storms out*

 

Oklahoma – Maybe They’re Having A Pow Wow At Starbucks

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Coworker: “Yes, may I help you?”

Customer:¬†”I just wanted to say how disappointed I am with your town!”

Coworker: “Okay, why is that?”

Customer: “I haven’t seen an Indian! This is suppose to be Cherokee Nation, and I haven’t seen one Indian! We came all the way down here from Illinois and wanted to see Indians!”

Coworker: “Come again?”

Customer: “All we’ve seen are normal people! We want to see Indians!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, they dress and look just like the rest of us.¬†If you want to see reenactments, you need to go to Tsa-La-Gi outside town.”

Customer: “They don’t dress like that all the time?”

Coworker: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “What about teepees?”

Coworker: “That’s plains Indians, ma’am, and no. They don’t live in teepees.”

Customer: “Oh…” *mutters while walking away* “… came to see Indians and all we get are regular people…”

 

Oregon – DE TING, DE TING!!!

(I worked tech support for a major software company, specifically with their digital media products. This call was about their video editing software.)

Me: “Thanks for calling ***** tech support.

(The customer gives me her info and has a thick accent I can’t place.)

Me: “Great! What can I do for you?”

Her: “Yes. I am trying to edit dees beedio, and eet’s blue and blue on de ting.”

Me: “So…it’s blue, and blue…on the thing?”

Her: “Yes.”

Me: “Where is it blue?”

Her: “On de ting.”

Me: “By ‘thing,’ do you mean the Computer screen or your camera?”

Her: “Yes…de ting.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you are looking at so you’ll have to tell me the name of the thing that is blue.”

Her: *getting angry* “DE TING!!! Eeet’s BLUUUUE AN BLUUUEE ON DE TING!!!!”

Me: “What exactly is blue? The video on your monitor? Are you outputting to TV? The viewfinder on your camera?”

Her: “Yes.”

Me: “Yes…which one?”

Her: *yelling* “DE TING!!!!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but I don’t understand where you are having a problem.”

Her: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! I SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH!!! MY HUSBAND TAUGHT ME HE WILL BE VERY VERY ANGRY WIT YOU!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!”

Me: “Ma’am, I agree. You speak english very very well. The problem I am having is you are not telling me where you are seeing blue video.”

Her: “ON DE TIIIING!!!”

(This exchange went on for a while before she got frustrated and hung up. The best part is, my call was being listened to by some higher level support guys. They created an internal troubleshooting document that appeared as follows:)

(And so on and so on…)

 

Pennsylvania – Has No Propensity For History

(I’m working behind the register counter that has glass display cases of knives, wallets, etc. Some are engraved with CSA—Confederate States of America, and USA—for the Union.)

Customer: *running up to the counter* “Oooh! Knives! Wait, what does ‘CSA’ mean?”

Me: “It stands for ‘Confederate States of America.’ Did you want to have a look?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to buy. But, the Confederate states are the North, right?!”

Me: “No, not at all… ”

Customer: “Oh, oh well. But you know what’s strange? All these battles happened in national parks!”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “I guess that just made it easier to hide behind the monuments!”

Me: “I have to get back to work; have a nice day.”

(I get back to folding and stocking while the customer walks out with the smuggest look on their face, like they just gave me a history lesson.)

 

Rhode Island – A Detergent Deterrence

(The market I work at keeps the packages of detergent pods on the middle shelf. A customer sees where they are, and flips out.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss?!”

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “Is there anyone I can talk to about the placement of the detergent pods?”

Me: “Our manager isn’t in right now. If you want, I can give you his name so you can bring the matter up with him at a later date.”

Customer: “I want you to do something about it now! These are poisonous to young children. If a child were to open one of these and eat one in the store, you would have a major lawsuit on your hands!”

Me: “We’ve never had an issue with the placement of the product before, but I could see if the acting manager can do something about it.”

(I go to page the acting store manager to the aisle. When I return to the aisle, the customer is nowhere to be seen, but there is a young girl trying to open one of the containers. Upon seeing me the young child drops the container on the floor causing them to spill everywhere.)

Child: “I’m sorry!”

(As if on cue, the customer comes flying into the aisle.)

Customer: “See what I mean?! It’s a good thing you were here to stop this little girl before she ate one! I can’t imagine what would have happened if you hadn’t come into the aisle when you had! See how easy it is for a child to get into them?!”

Child: “But Mommy, you told me to open it!”

(The customer turns beet red, grabs her daughter, and sprints from the aisle. Thankfully she is stopped by the acting manager who had heard the entire exchange. It turns out that the woman had pulled the same stunt at several other markets in the area to get some form of compensation. She was forced to pay for the detergent pods in the end.)

 

South Carolina – Needs To Get Their Education Straight

(I am waiting on my mom to get out of her doctor’s appointment. I overhear a conversation between a 17-year-old patient and the doctor.)

Patient: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I MIGHT BE PREGNANT?!”

Doctor: “Well, ma’am, you said you haven’t been having your period, and you have been having sex with your boyfriend, so it is highly possible.”

Patient: “But I’m a lesbian! I can’t get pregnant!”

Doctor: “Oh? I apologize. I thought you said you had a boyfriend. Well then, we should try other tests. And I apologize to you and your girlfriend.”

Patient: “Ew, what? I do have a boyfriend! Why would I date a girl?”

Doctor: “Then you aren’t a lesbian. And you are probably pregnant.”

Patient: “I am a lesbian! My mom told my boyfriend and I that she wished I was a lesbian so I wouldn’t get pregnant. My boyfriend and I decided that I was a lesbian, so mom wouldn’t have to worry.”

Doctor: “Miss, that is not how it works, and not what she meant.”

Patient: “Screw you! I know my mom better then you do. You just lost a patient since you don’t even know lesbians can’t get pregnant!” *storms out*

 

South Dakota – One Nation, Under God, Period

Customer: “Do you have anything made in Tennessee?”

Me: “It’s quite possible.”

Customer: “Well, what about Illinois?”

Me: “Maybe.”

Customer: “What about New Jersey?”

Me: “I’m not sure…you may find something.”

Customer: “But your sign says you sell goods from over 50 countries! That’s all of them!”

Me: “That’s states. It’s 50 countries outside the US.”

Customer: *baffled look* “Out…side?”

 

Tennessee – PINheaded

Customer: “Hey, somebody painted the wall outside the branch I use!”

Me: “Yes sir. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well now I don’t know my PIN number!”

Me: “I’m sorry–I’m not sure what that has to do with the wall being painted.”

Customer: “I wrote my PIN number on the wall beside the ATM! NOW what am I supposed to do?!?!”

Me: “…”

 

Texas – Thou Shalt Not Use The Lord’s Name To Haggle

(My coworker has just put together a very expensive PA System for the pastor of a church.)

Coworker: “Alright pastor, is there anything else I can get for you today?”

Pastor: “No… thank you. I’m very grateful for all your help. What is the price, son?”

Coworker: “Well, after all of the added items and sales tax, your total comes to $4,478.89.”

Pastor: “What!? Let me ask you this… what would JESUS pay for this?!”

Coworker: *without delay* “Sir, Jesus paid the ultimate price and died for your sins. Your total is still $4,478.89.”

(The pastor was not amused, but paid the full amount.)

 

Utah – Oblivious To The Obvious

Me: “Hi, this is [name]from [insurance company]. I’m calling because your policy cancelled for non-payment of premium.”

Client: “Again?! This happens every month! It’s not my fault though. Can you tell them it’s not my fault?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Client: “See, each time my payment has been due, I’ve been in jail. My probation officer is an a**. Every time I do something illegal he throws me in jail. Every single time!”

Me: “I can set you up on automatic withdrawal from your bank just in case.”

Client: “No, I rarely have money. How can I avoid this happening again in the future?”

Me: “Pay your bill on time?”

Client: “But, what about the jail thing?”

Me: “Um… stop breaking the law?”

 

Vermont – Dissecting Lies, Brit By Brit

Me: “Hi, this is [tech center]. I’m [name] from Vermont. How may I help you?”

Customer: “What’s Vermont? Is it a state?”

Me: “Yes. It’s in New England.”

Customer: “No it’s not. You’re lying!”

Me: “No, miss. It was the 14th state to join the Union. It is definitely a state in New England.”

Customer: “New England, you say? Well then why don’t you have a British accent?”

 

Virginia – Why Cashiers Should Rule The World

(I’m a customer in the check out line. I’m buying a box of tampons for my mom, who is bedridden after surgery. One of the two customers standing behind me in line speaks up.)

Other customer: “Ha-ha what a p****. He’s buying tampons.”

(I ignore the two and move forwards to the cashier. She’s an attractive girl of about 20 years old.)

Cashier: “$5.71 after the discount.”

(I have no idea what discount she’s talking about, but I pay her and get my change.)

Cashier: *with a smile on her face* “Here you go baby, I’m taking my break now and I’ll see you at home at 8. Just leave the tampons in my car, please.”

(She leans over the counter and kisses me on the cheek. She then turns the light off on the register number and walks off towards the other side of the store. The two customers watched her with their jaws open and angrily walk off to another register.)

 

Washington – Smoked

Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I want one single cigarette.”

Me: “No problem, can I see your ID?”

Customer: “What? Do I look 14 to you?”

Me: “No, you look 18, but unless I get ID I can’t sell them to you.”

Customer: “Why cant you sell me the beer and a cigarette?”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but I could lose my job if I sold it to you without ID.”

Customer: “Oh, I am sure your job is sooo great and pays you a lot?!”

Me: “I’m not the one who can’t afford more than one cigarette.”

 

West Virginia – 911 Grab Bag: Define “Emergency”

(The following quotes are from various phone calls made to a West Virginia 911 line)

1. “What are the Daily Pick Four lottery numbers?”

2. “My TV is out.”

3. “How much snow/rain are we supposed to get?”

4. “Is it illegal to tape a cat to a bottle rocket?”

5. “I want to report a fraud. The government is lying to us all.”

6. “How high are gas prices going to get?”

7. “Why am I getting Error Message #781 on my computer screen?”

8. “I have never roasted a turkey before and my inlaws will be here in an hour.”

9. “I am reading this recipe. What is fennel?”

10. “I am doing my homework. What is the square root of 435?”

11. “Are crabs in season?”

12. “I wanna talk to a cop about my child support if you can drag one away from the donut shop.”

13. “I just wanted to make sure you were all awake.”

 

Wisconsin – A Good Attitude About A Bad Attitude

(Our refund policy has a shorter timeframe than most people assume, and they usually don’t read their receipts. A customer walks in carrying a bag with one of our games; she’s on her cell phone.)

Me: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “I just want to return this. I do not need to be spending $30 on a game right now.”

(She continues her phone conversation.)

Me: “Do you have your receipt with you?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s in the bag, honey.”

Me: “Okay, let me just check it.”

(I see that she’s a couple of days past the refund window.)

Me: “All right, I can get you a store credit for this.”

Customer: “What? You mean I can’t get my money back?”

Me: “It says right here, ‘Last day for refund is [date]’.”

(She is a little bit shocked, and continues talking on her cell phone.)

Customer: “They say I can’t return it… I can only get a store credit! I just drove all this way for nothing!”

(I prepare for her to start yelling at me.)

Customer: “Oh, I can’t believe this. I need to go. Just put it back in the bag. I need to take my bad attitude out of here!”

Me: “Um, sorry about that.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s okay; it’s not you, honey!”

(She grabs the bag and leaves quickly, still on her cell phone. I turn to my coworker.)

Me: “I can’t believe she didn’t yell at me! She just recognized that she was upset and left. This has never happened before!”

 

Wyoming – Mouse To Mouse Resuscitation

(An irate customer comes flying through the door and slams a soaking wet, dead hamster on the counter. I recognize her as a woman I had sold a hamster to an hour ago.)

Me: “Oh my goodness what happened?!”

Customer: “I took this hamster home and he didn’t even live 10 minutes!”

Me: “Why is he all wet?”

Customer: “From being in the aquarium! He swam for awhile, but then he just dropped dead!

Me: “I’m sorry, are you telling me you put him in an aquarium full of water?”

Customer: “You told me hamsters can live in aquariums! You said I didn’t need to buy a cage specifically for hamsters!”

Me: “Hamsters can live in an aquarium, but not in water! When you were picking him out didn’t you notice the others are in empty aquariums with bedding?”

Customer: “You told me he could live in an aquarium! I demand a new hamster! One that is alive!”

Me: “I really don’t think any of our animals are going to work out for you.”

 

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If you feel there’s a funnier story we could have chosen for each state, leave a recommendation in the comments!