The 75 Highest Rated Not Always Right Stories Of All Time!

Right | March 16, 2016

 

To celebrate getting over 75,000 likes on Facebook, we’ve decided to gather the 75 highest rated Not Always Right stories of all time! Going back to the very beginning of the site we’ve racked up more than a few classics, so for the first time ever see them all in one place! Have fun!

#75 – Some Callers Are Proper Dementor – 8,936 votes

(I have a caller named Victor Krumm in the computer system. I’m a Harry Potter fan.)

Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re Victor Krumm?”

Caller: “Yep, that’s me.”

Me: “Sorry, this might sound funny, but did you know that there’s a book series called Harry Potter with a character with that name?”

(There’s a pause, as if he’s thinking, and suddenly he yells.)

Caller: “THE MUGGLES KNOW!”

(He hangs up. His wife calls a little while later to actually schedule.)

#74 – Teaching The Next Generation – 9,050 votes

(I’m folding clothes when a young girl of about six comes up to me. Her mom is in a nearby fitting room trying clothes on.)

Girl: “Why do you have to fold those shirts?”

Me: “Well, they have to look neat on the tables, so I need to fold them.”

Girl: “So whenever someone looks at a shirt, you have to refold it?”

Me: “If it gets unfolded, yes.”

(Just then another customer walks up to the table and proceeds to unfold the top shirt from the pile, look at it, and throw it back down on top of the pile.)

Girl: “That must get really annoying.”

Me: “You have no idea.”

#73 – I Don’t Work Here Does Not Work Here – 9,102 votes

(I work in a library, but I had forgotten to take my name tag off after work when I went shopping.)

Customer: “What aisle is baking powder?”

Me: “Huh? Oh, I think it’s that way somewhere. I’m not really sure.”

Customer: “Well you’d better find out for me. Isn’t that your job?”

Me: “Oh, no, I’m sorry. I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Yes you do! You have a name tag on!”

Me: “Oh! No, I’m sorry, I work at the library, I just forgot to take this off.”

Customer: *very angry* “I don’t want excuses! Just tell me where the d*** baking powder is!”

Me: “I don’t know where it is. Go ask someone who works here.”

Customer: “You’re going to tell me or else!”

Store Manager: “Can I help you folks?”

Customer: “Yes! Your employee here is being very rude!”

Store Manager: “Sir, he doesn’t work here. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: “Oh!” *turning to me* “Well why didn’t you say so?”

Me: “I did. You were being a moron!”

Customer: *turning back to manager* “You let your employees curse at customers like that! I want him fired right now!”

#72 – The Fourth Is Not Strong With This One – 9,108 votes

Me: “Thank you for calling the [hotel]. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: *in a British accent* “I need a room for tonight.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are booked.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “It’s the 4th of July. We’re always booked on the 4th.”

Customer: “I know the date! Why are you booked?”

Me: “Um, it’s July 4th.”

Customer: “Listen, just give me a room!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we are sold out. The entire town is sold out.”

Customer: “The entire town? Why?”

Me: “Sir, it’s the 4th of July. Independence day.”

Customer: “Independence from what?”

Me: “Um, England.”

Customer: “Oh bloody h***!” *click*

#71 – Jurassic Farce – 9,116 votes

Customer: “I need some help locating the item that this coupon advertises. I’ve looked everywhere and just can’t find it.”

Me: “Let’s see if I can help you here…” *looks at the coupon* “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t sell this item anymore.”

Customer: “Why not? I have a coupon for it. I wanted to get it for my husband for his birthday next week.”

Me: “Ma’am, this coupon was expired fifteen years ago. They no longer make this product.”

Customer: “Can’t you go look for one? I really need it, it would be perfect for him.”

Me: “…sure! It just so happens that I developed a machine that can warp the space/time continuum. Would you like to accompany me on the trip or would you like to stay here?”

Customer: “REALLY? Thank you so much! I’ll stay here and wait for you.”

(I go into the back room for a couple of minutes to let my manager know what I’m about to do, then come back out running.)

Me: “MA’AM! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I MESSED UP AND WENT BACK TOO FAR! I ENDED UP GOING BACK TO THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS AND THERE’S A PISSED-OFF VELOCIRAPTOR RIGHT BEHIND ME!”

Customer: “OH NO! I’LL GO CALL THE POLICE!” *runs out of the store*

(I went back to my manager after the customer ran off, and he was literally rolling on the ground laughing.)

#70 – They’re Starting To Catch On – 9,245 votes

Customer: “I thought I should let you guys know your phone isn’t working.”

Me: “OK – are you sure you’ve been dialing the correct number?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ve been trying 0800-1200 all week, and it never goes through.”

Me: “…0800-1200? That’s not our number – our number is ****. If you don’t mind me asking, where did you get 0800-2100 from?”

Customer: “Right there, on your door.” *points*

Me: “Sir, that’s not a phone number…those are our business hours.”

Customer: “I’m going to see this on NotAlwaysRight.com, aren’t I?”

Me: “Yes… yes you will. Have a nice day!”

#69 – A Large Can Of Whoop-A** And A Side Of Just Desserts – 9,286 votes

(Around my restaurant area a lot of kids hang out, most of whom are the unfavorable type. This day in particular, one of them decides to open the door and swear at everyone inside/)

Kid: “All of you are f***ing b****es!”

(We ignore it and try to continue work as if nothing happened.)

Kid: “F*** you, f***ing pigs!”

(We ignore it again and this repeats for another two times. I am getting very annoyed.)

Kid: “Girls should stay in the kitchen!”

Me: “Hey, stop that or I’ll call security.”

Kid: *looks at me up and down* “Whatever! I bet you want to do me, don’t you?”

(The kid continues to talk dirty and make gestures to me, so I cut it off there.)

Me: “Get out of here before I start breaking your legs.”

(The kid looks shocked, probably because he didn’t expect anyone to snap back at him. He runs away. My co-worker, boss and everyone else in the restaurant applaud and we get back into business. About 20 minutes later, the kid comes back with his mother.)

Mother: “Look, my son told me you threatened to break his legs! I’m reporting you to the police!”

Me: “Did he also tell you he was harassing us?”

Mother: “He told me he was talking to people when you–” *pushes index finger into my chest* “–threatened to break his legs!”

Me: “I can tell you, now, Ma’am. He was harassing me and the customers.”

Mother: “Lies! I’ll charge you for threatening a child!”

Me: “Yes, then I’ll sue him for harassment, sexual harassment and disturbing the peace.”

(The mother looks at the kid with horror on her face but doesn’t give up just yet.)

Mother: “You have no proof my son did that! I’ll charge you for psychological damages!”

Me: “I have plenty of proof on our cameras.” *I point to camera in the back corner, and then to the one at the front* “I also have a room full of witnesses who can give testimony on what he said and did.”

Mother: *stands on her spot stunned*

Me: “So do you want your can of whoop-a** here, or shall I serve it to you in court?”

#68 – When One Door Closes, Another Door Shuts – 9,375 votes

(I’m assisting a customer in the parking lot with her groceries. She presses the lock button on the driver’s side door and closes it.)

Customer: “Oh no! I locked my keys in the ignition!”

Me: “Well, your back door is still open.”

Customer: “I know, I know, but my door is locked! D***!”

Me: “But the back door is still open. You could pass through it to–”

Customer: *slams the back door shut* “Fine, there! Now it’s closed! Can we get back to my problem now?”

#67 – Your Prank Got Spanked – 9,390 votes

(This happened to a friend of mine who owns a gun shop.)

Friend: “Hello, this is–”

Caller: *twelve year old sounding voice* “Your mom!”

Friend: “What?”

Caller: “What your mom said.”

Friend: “A prank caller are we?”

Caller: *mocking tone* “A prank caller are we?”

Friend: “Do your parents know what you’re doing? Because I have caller ID and I can call them back later.”

Caller: “My parents are out of town… duuuhhh!”

Friend: “You must have absolutely no idea what kind of store you just called, then.”

Caller: “A GAY store?”

(My friend puts the phone down and opens the locker behind the counter and retrieves a shotgun. He holds it next to the phone and pumps the action.)

Friend: “Can you guess now?”

Caller: “…”

Friend: “You know, your caller ID gave me a first and last name. All I need to do is open a phone book and I can find your address.”

Caller: *click*

#66 – About To Get Charged With Battery – 9,410 votes

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [electronics store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I bought a Game Boy for my son a few days ago from your store, and it’s not working.”

Me: “Did you purchase a warranty?”

Customer: “Yes, is there anything you can do? My son was playing it earlier, and it suddenly turned off and refuses to turn back on.”

Me: “Maybe it ran out of batteries. Did you try and recharge them?”

Customer: “Wait, this uses batteries?”

Me: “Yeah, there’s a charger that comes in the box. Try plugging that in and waiting a few minutes and then seeing if it works.”

Customer: “But I threw the box out.”

Me: “Did you take everything out of the box?”

Customer: “Let me ask my son.”

(I was put on hold for a minute.)

Customer: “Well, I found the charger, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be needing it.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “My son just snapped the system in half because he couldn’t get it to work. I don’t suppose the warranty covers that?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no.”

Customer: “I see. Then I have one more question: do you have any electronic child-spanking-devices?”

Me: “Nope, sorry.”

Customer: “I see. Guess I’ll need to do it the old fashioned way.” *click*

#65 – Highway Robbery – 9,415 votes

(A customer comes to the gas station register and hands me their credit card immediately.)

Customer: “I was looking at the liters display instead of the price.”

Me: “Yeah, I hate when that happens. Let’s see what your total is.”

Customer: “Well, I shouldn’t have to pay anymore than the $20 I wanted to put in.”

Me: “Sorry, but it doesn’t work like that.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! I’m just going to drive off! Good luck getting your money!”*drives off without paying*

(I call the police who arrive ten minutes later, which is coincidentally when the customer returns–in his haste to drive off, he had forgotten to take back his credit card.)

Customer: “You stole my credit card, you a**hole!”

Me: “Just give me a second sir. I’m in the middle of reporting a drive-off to these police officers.”

Customer: “Haha! So I’m not the only one to do a drive-off from here?”

Police: “Today you are. Please come with us, sir.”

#64 – Faux-bi-Wan Kenobi – 9,417 votes

(I am cleaning up at an office supplies store when a customer walks to the automatic door, about to leave the store.)

Customer: *thrusts hand at door, palm out, as if he’s using ‘the Force’* “Whoosh!”

(The door opens, and he looks back as he exits and sees me looking at him.)

Customer: “Uh, I was just joking…”

Me: “But that door wasn’t even on, sir!”

Customer: *astonished* “Are you serious?”

Me: “Nah, just kidding. Have a nice day, sir!”

#63 – Becoming Familiar With Fiber – 9,486 votes

(My dad was standing in an express line at the grocery store. In front of him was a well-to-do-looking woman, who clearly had several more items than the limit.)

Dad: “You know, it’s amazing that someone who is apparently so successful can’t read.”

Woman: *in a huff* “That sign’s for regular people, not for me!”

(An old man behind my dad taps him on the shoulder.)

Old man: “Here, give her this.”

(My dad hands it to the woman.)

Woman: “What’s this?”

Old man: “Metamucil. It’ll make you regular.”

#62 – How To Show-Up A Show-Off – 9,491 votes

(Note: I’m a male customer at a coffee shop. I’m standing in line behind an obnoxious man and a beautiful blonde woman he’s unsuccessfully trying to chat up. The server is a young girl who appears to be new at her job.)

Man: “Excuse me! I ordered a non-fat, non-sugar orange mocha chip frappuccino! This isn’t non-fat, and there’s no whip cream on it.”

Barista: “I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll remake it immediately.”

Man, to the blonde woman: “What is up with these guys!? They screw everything up.”

Barista: “Here’s your drink sir. I hope this one is up to standard.”

Man: “What are you, f***ing retarded?! This is a plain mocha frappuccino! I wanted anorange chip mocha frappuccino! Get it f***ing right!”

(The barista remakes his drink again, but is clearly on the verge of tears.)

Man: “Oh my God, you people need to learn to speak English! I said non-fat. Don’t tell me it is non-fat, because I can taste—”

(At this point, the blonde woman decides she’s had enough of the man and interrupts him.)

Blonde woman: *in a strong Irish accent* “WILL YOU STOP BEING A JERK FOR FIVE F***ING MINUTES?! The girl has made the d*** coffee perfectly this time—I watched her! And, even if she hasn’t, she’s young and clearly new at her job. It’s a f***ing coffee! Cut her some slack!”

Man: “Excuse me, but I want what I asked for! I don’t see why that’s so hard!”

Blonde woman: “She probably looked at you, assumed you were a man, and was therefore completely confused by your non-fat non-sugar orange mocha chip frappuccino order. Real men drink real coffee, and they don’t bully teenage girls until they cry. Now, can you please stop being an almighty dickhead, and just f*** off?!”

(Everyone in the coffee shop claps, and the man leaves, embarrassed. I paid for the blonde woman’s coffee, and found out she is from the same part of Ireland as me. One thing led to another, and I asked her to marry me this Christmas. She said yes!)

#61 – He Who Eats Less, Laughs Best – 9,501 votes

(While I’m working, I see this teenage girl pull up in an really nice car. With her orange spray tan and expensive clothing, I could tell it would be interesting.)

Me: “Hey, what could I get for you today?”

Customer: “You’re going to make me a non-fat shake with non-fat mix, non-fat milk and non-fat chocolate.

Me: “Oh, Ok…I’ll have that done for you in just a second.”

(Right before I start to blend the shake, she speaks up:)

Customer: “So since you work here, do you eat a lot of ice cream?”

Me: “Well, I suppose I eat enough to be able to recommend stuff to customers….”

Customer: “Well, you just look like you eat a lot of ice cream. You might want to quit your job before you get too fat.”

Me: “Thanks for that advice.”

(While my coworker rings her up, I proceed to add 5 pumps of chocolate syrup, extra chocolate chips, and tons of extra ingredients to her shake, putting it up to a total of about 4,000 calories.)

Customer: *taking a drink* “At least you can make a decent shake.”

#60 – Drive Hoo – 9,508 votes

Me: “Welcome to [Fast-Food Restaurant], how may I help you?”

Customer: “I’ll take a number 1, 5, and 12.”

Me: “Alright, that’ll be $12.09.”

Customer: “Woohoo!”

(The customer drives to the window.)

Me: “That’s $12.09.”

Customer: “Woohoo!”

*pause*

Me: “$12.09.”

Customer: “Woohoo!”

Me: “12.”

Customer: “Woo!”

Me: “09.”

Customer: “Hoo!”

Me: “12.09”

Customer: “Woohoo!”

Me: “…09.12”

Customer: “Hoowoo!”

Me: “90.21”

Customer: “Ooh-oow!”

Me: “Well played, sir.”

#59 – Navy Seal’s Fate is Sealed – 9,558 votes

(The restaurant is near a Navy base and thus, sometimes, sailors and officers off-duty come to eat. A man and his girlfriend come in. They haven’t reserved a table, were rude and snotty with my co-workers, complained a lot about the food and talked loudly and sometimes mocked the other customers. My manager decides that enough is enough when the man lit a cigarette after requesting his bill.)

Manager: “Sir, you can’t smoke here.”

Customer: “Yes I can.”

Manager: “Sir, you’re in a smoke-free zone. Either go away or put out this cigarette.”

(The customer gets up. He’s clearly taller and larger than the manager and glances at him.)

Customer: “Buddy, listen. I’m a Navy’s lieutenant, so I’m not going to take crap from civvies. Just shut up and let me smoke.”

(At this point, I decide to call the police when I notice another customer with his family getting up and going straight to the troublemaker.)

Customer #2: “Did I hear you’re in the Navy?”

Customer: “Yeah, so?”

Customer #2: “You work at the base here?”

Customer: “What? Get the f*** out, you d*** civvie!”

Customer #2: “You know [name]?”

Customer: “Who the f*** are you and what the f*** do you want?”

Customer #2: “Do you know [name]?”

Customer: “[name] is my superior!”

Customer #2: “Well, I’m HIS superior, and as soon as I’m out of here, I’ll make sure he lights your a** up.”

(The second customer pulls out a military ID and shows it to him. The troublemaking customer goes white, apologizes profusely to the manager and the customer, pays his bill and storms off with his girl WHILE SOBBING. Turns out the man showed him his military ID, and he’s a Navy’s rear-admiral. Needless to say, we gave a huge discount to the officer.)

#58 – Friends In Unusual Places – 9,613 votes

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a parcel.”

Me: “May I have your tracking number, please?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “Your tracking number. All of our parcels have tracking numbers which the sender can give you if you do not have it.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have it?”

Me: “Because I didn’t send you the parcel.”

Customer: “So, who did then?”

Me: “Sir, do you not know who sent you the item?”

Customer: “No, but my neighbor just had something delivered and I want one too. So send me something now!”

(The caller then muffles the phone and I can hear what sounds like sobs.)

Me: “Sir, are you okay?”

Customer: “I’m so lonely and I just wanted to get a present!” *more sobbing*

Customer: “I’m so lonely!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Never mind, I’ll go now…”

Me: “Sir…wait. We do have a parcel for you. I just need to confirm your address to send it to you. It will be there this afternoon!”

(After he gives me his address, I have a quick whip around the call center and we get a card signed by the team, put in a few chocolate bars with other happy bits and pieces, and send it to him. He calls the next day and thanks us all. Now, he rings once a week on average, and we are all happy to chat with him.)

#57 – Inter-Screwed – 9,665 votes

(It’s early morning. I need to organise my notes, so I sit down in the Reception area. The suited guy next to me is looking very nervous.)

Customer: “You’re a bit of a porker, eh?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You’re really chubby. I mean, they told me they were considering someone else for the position as well. But if you’re all I’ve got to compete with, I’ve got it already!”

(I realise that his pre-interview technique is from some old self-help book about psyching out the competition.)

Customer: “And I was so nervous too! Guess you don’t have much of a chance, huh?”

(I consult my notes.)

Me: “Mr. Becker?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s me! How’d you know that? You’re here for the job too, right?”

Me: “No, Mr. Becker. I’m Gary Robbins, a technical specialist from Human Resources. I’m here to conduct your interview.”

#56 – A Man Of Many Faces, All Of Them Dumb – 9,670 votes

(I had lost my entire wallet just a week prior. A customer approaches my check stand. He has an 18-pack of beer on the belt, and he looks about 20 years old.)

Me: *ringing him up* “ID, please.”

Customer: “You got it!”

(The customer pulls out a wallet that looks exactly like mine, broken chain and all. He then proceeds to show me my own ID.)

Me: *taking my wallet back from him* “Two problems with this.”

Customer: “What the h***, man?!”

Me: “First off, this is MY ID; MY wallet. Secondly, I’m not 21, and neither is this thing.”

Customer: *runs out of the store*

#55 – How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse – 9,685 votes

(I work engineering support late in the evening.)

Me: “Pennsylvania Support Center. How may I help you?”

Caller: “The cleaning crew just came through my office, and now my mouse doesn’t work. The cursor just jumps all over the screen randomly when I move it. They broke my mouse. I need a new one.”

Me: “You have a SPARCstation with an optical mouse, correct?”

Caller: “Yes, with the cool glass mouse-pad.”

(Old-school optical mice used to require special reflective mouse-pads with grids etched into their surfaces. To increase tracking resolution, the vertical and horizontal grids had slightly different spacing.)

Me: “Did the cleaning crew wipe down your desk?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Did they move your mouse-pad?”

Caller: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “Did your mouse-pad get rotated? Is the long edge of the mouse-pad now parallel to the edge of your desk?”

Caller: “I really don’t see why that’s relevant. I just want a new mouse!”

Me: “The orientation of the mouse-pad matters. The–”

(The caller cuts me off and starts to yell. I realize that I can actually hear his voice coming from down the hall.)

Caller: “Listen! Just open a ticket and have someone bring me a new mouse. I don’t have time for this. I design chips, so I know what I’m talking about. I probably designed the chip in the phone you’re stuck answering all day!”

(I take off my headset, walk down the hall, and walk into his office up to his desk.)

Caller: “…so don’t try to bulls*** me with, oh. Hold on, someone is in my office.”

(I reach down, and rotate his mouse-pad 90 degrees. I move the mouse, and the cursor happily moves around the screen as expected. I walk out of his office, back down the hall, sit down at my desk, and put my headset back on.)

Caller: *silence*

Me: “Thank you for calling Pennsylvania Support Center. I trust I have resolved your case.”

Caller: *silence*

Me: “You will be receiving your ticket number via email. Thank you.”

Caller: *click*

#54 – The Estrogen Empire Strikes Back – 9,706 votes

(A customer had a complaint about his food. He refused to let the girl working the register help him.)

Man: “I want to talk to a manager.”

Female employee: “Yes, sir.”

(The employee gets a Shift Manager to help her.)

Shift Manager: “Can I help you, sir?”

Man: “No, I want a manager!”

Shift Manager: “I am a Shift Manager, sir.”

Man: “I want to see the Store Manager!”

Shift Manager: “Uhm, okay sir, I’ll be right back.”

(I was in the office working on the crew schedules for the next week. Sara comes in and asks me to deal with the customer. She didn’t need to explain. I’d heard it all… he was very loud. I went to help deal with the situation.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Man: “I want to see a f**king God-da** Manager! Where’s the @#$%ing Store Manager?”

Me: “I am the store Manager, Sir.”

Man: “I want to speak to a male manager!”

Me: “Sir, all of my Shift Managers are female. As, clearly, am I.”

(Actually, every person working that day was female.)

Man: “I demand to speak to your @#%^ @#$%$ #@$% boss!”

Me: “I can get you a number so you can call my District Manager, sir. Will that be okay?”

Man: “Finally! DO IT NOW!”

Me: “Yes, sir. Just a second.”

(I go into my office and grab one of the District Manager’s cards.)

Me: “Here you are, sir. If you give HER a call, I’m sure SHE will be happy to help you.”

(I thought he was going to have a heart attack after that. Purple was definitely not his color.)

#53 – This Is Why We Don’t Color Code People – 9,778 votes

Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want no g**d*** Chinese serving me.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Get me an American.”

Me: “Sir, I am American.”

Customer: “What?! You think I’m blind? You think I’m f***ing blind? Go back to China!”

Me: “Right, one second…”

(My coworkers hear everything from the back, so one of my white coworkers comes out.)

Customer: “Ugh, finally… an American!”

Coworker: *starts speaking Spanish*

Customer: “G**D*** IT! F*** Y’ALL, A**HOLES!” *storms out*

#52 – Learning By Example – 9,869 votes

Coworker: “Whoops, looks like there’s a 30 cent late fee on here for [movie]. It was returned a day late, so your total will be $6.25.”

Customer: “What?! That’s impossible! I returned it the day after I rented it!”

Coworker: “Well, it was a seven day rental, and it shows here that you returned it a day late at 6:13 pm.”

(The customer continues to argue very loudly with my coworker, yelling out things like, “Do you know who I am?!” However, I tune it out because a regular customer comes up to my register.)

Me: “Hi, Mr ***!”

Regular: “Hey ***, love the hair. What’s the damage?”

Me: “Oh boy, $43.76 in late fees? Where did you go this time?”

(The regular leans way over into the other customer’s face and speaks loudly.)

Regular: “$43.76 in late fees, you say? Here is my debit card, miss!”

(He pulls his debit card out of his wallet with a big flourish.)

Regular: “Boy, I should learn to return my movies on time, which is clearly not the fault of this establishment!”

(The other customer shuts up, quickly pays, and leaves.)

Me: “You’re my favorite.”

Regular: “I know.”

(We waived half his fees and gave him a free rental.)

#51 – Best. Grandpa. Ever. – 9,870 votes

(I work at a small grocery store owned by my Grandpa. It’s in the middle of summer and a customer wearing a thick jacket comes in.)

Customer: “Can I get some cigarettes?”

Grandpa: “Excuse me, would you mind open your jacket up?”

Customer: “No, why would I do that!”

Grandpa: “Sir, I saw you take that beer. Give it back and we won’t press charges.”

Customer: “That’s crazy, I didn’t take anything!”

Grandpa: “Sir, I–”

(The customer seems like he is about to run, and my grandpa grabs his arm. The customer tries to shove him away, but in the process he opens his coat and reveals the stolen goods.)

Customer: “GET OFF!”

(My grandpa grabs his balls, and begins squeezing them.)

Grandpa: “Just put the beer down, and I won’t pop them!”

(He put the beer down.)

#50 – Pinheaded, Part 2 – 10,056 votes

(I’m a greenskeeper on a golf course and am doing some work on a green, moving the hole. I pull the pin (flag) out, which is the universal symbol for “the green is closed, don’t shoot”. As I’m doing my work, this happens…)

Member: “Fore on the green! Fore on the green!”

(I look up to see blue sky and a little white speck flying at me. I turn my back and the golf ball hits me square in my one good kidney. I drop like a bag of potatoes, and the member casually strolls up to the green.)

Member: “Are you ok?”

Me: “No, I need to get to a hospital, it hit my good kidney.”

Member: “What the h*** were you doing on the green? You’re not supp–”

Me: “Did you just hear me? I need an ambulance!”

Member: “Don’t interrupt me, you little a**hole! Now move so I can putt!”

(I grab my radio and get my superintendent, who rushes out in his cart on the phone with 911. After he hangs up, he turns to the member.)

Superintendent: “Didn’t you see the pin was down?! You could have killed him!

Member: “He shouldn’t be on the green during play! It’s his own fault!”

(They continue arguing for a few moments until the ambulance shows up. As the EMT is getting me on a stretcher, she asks the member…)

EMT: “If the pin was down, what were you aiming for?”

Member: “Him.”

Superintendent: “You aimed… for him?”

Member: “I figured he’d be close to the hole. I mean… the pin was down! I had to aim for something!”

Superintendent: “You’re a f***ing idiot!”

(I found out later that the member was kicked out of the country club, and his $50,000 initiation fee as well as his $15,000 yearly dues were not refunded.)

#49 – This…Is…Spyware! – 10,059 votes

Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”

Me: “…Ma’am? Spartans?”

Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have spartans.”

Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”

Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”

Me: “You’re right ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”

Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”

Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”

Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”

Me: “Ok, ma’am, I think that would be best.”

#48 – Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia – 10,117 votes

Me: “9-1-1, police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “Help, please God, help!”

Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”

Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”

Me: “Calm down… the police are well on the way as we are talking.”

Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh my God, why me?”

Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”

Caller: “Yeah, I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… he’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”

Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell what he wants?”

Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”

Pizza guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”

#47 – Bohemian Nobody – 10,165 votes

(A customer approaches the service counter.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Is this the real life?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Is this just fantasy?”

Me: *catching on* “Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.”

Customer: “D*** it! I was trying to prank you! You shouldn’t know what I’m doing!”

Me: “Doesn’t really matter to me, to meeee.”

Customer: “F*** you!” *storms off*

#46 – Catcher In The Sky – 10,168 votes

Customer: “How much is this bird?”

Me: “Sir, how did you get the bird out of the cage? The cage was locked.”

Customer: “Oh, I got this one from the birds you have outside by the door.”

Me: “Those aren’t our birds.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Sir, you picked up a wild bird. But congratulations, because I can’t imagine it was a simple task.”

#45 – Cutty Out The Attitude – 10,216 votes

(I am working in a kindergarten where over half of the kids are Maori. The Maori word for scissors is ‘kutikuti,’ which is pronounced ‘cutty cutty’.)

Me, to a child: “Can you pass me the kutikuti please?”

Mother: “What did you say to my child?”

Me: “I asked her to pass me the scissors.”

Mother: “Don’t talk baby to my child. She’s smart enough to use adult words.”

Me: “I wasn’t. I was using the Maori name for scissors.”

Mother: “No, you said cutty cutty. That’s not Maori. I’m Maori, and I think I know Maori when I hear it.”

(The child interrupts. She grabs her mom by the hand and drags her off to a poster on the wall which has a few art objects and their Maori names under them.)

Child: “Mom, why do you always have to pick fights with people? I’m very disappointed in you!”

(When her mother left I gave the kid the biggest sticker I could find to put on her good behaviour chart.)

#44 – Time To Stuff Someone’s Mailbox w/Flat Lids – 10,315 votes

Customer, upon receiving her Moolatte: “This has a round lid, can I have a flat lid?”

Me: “I’m sorry, the only lid that fits that cup is a dome lid.”

Customer: “But I want a flat lid, Starbucks always gets me a flat lid! Why can’t you?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the flat lids we have won’t fit that cup.”

Customer: “I want to speak with your manager.” *mutters* “Stupid kids…”

(I go and get my manager)

Manager: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “This stupid employee of yours won’t give me a flat lid!” *brandishes the drink in his face*

(My manager takes one of every single lid in the store and puts them in front of her)

Manager: “Go ahead then.”

Customer: *proceeds to try and put the lids on the cup, none of which fit* “This is ridiculous! Why don’t you have a flat lid?! Starbucks always has a flat lid!!”

Manager: “Then go buy your drinks there and leave my employees alone.”

#43 – Symphony In Underage Minor – 10,356 votes

(I work at a music store which also offers private lessons. There’s a student practicing on a piano when another customer comes in.)

Me: “Welcome to [music store], how may I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like a to buy a piano for my son. He’s starting lessons next week.”

Me: “Digital, upright, or grand?”

Customer: “I just want a piano!”

Me: “Certainly. This is the Roland RD-700GX, which–”

Customer: “Is that girl for sale with that piano?” *points to the girl*

Me: “Uh, no, ma’am. That is a student. She’s just practicing.”

Customer: “Well, I want that girl to teach my son! How much does she cost?”

Me: “Ma’am, she is NOT for sale.”

Customer: “She’s not? But she’s sitting right there! This is false advertisement!”

Me: “We sell pianos, ma’am. Not children.”

Customer: “But it’ll be so romantic to have that playing in the background during meals!”

Me: “Ma’am. For the last time, she is not for sale. Please stop.”

Customer: *walks over to girl* “Hello!”

Girl: “Uh…hi?”

Customer: “How much do you cost?”

Girl: *without missing a beat* “Lady, you must be really desperate if you’re looking for a hooker in a music store!”

Customer: *quickly leaves the store*

#42 – Pointless Paranoia, Meet Pistol Packin’ – 10,360 votes

(A young man asks for a ticket for an R-rated movie and hands me his ID. I’m about to sell him the ticket when the lady behind him speaks up.)

Lady: “Wait! That picture in the ID doesn’t look like him at all!”

(I look at the ID. It appears he’s been sick since the photo was taken, but it’s clearly the same guy.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m fairly certain that this is the correct ID. Now, if you’d just step up–”

Lady: “No! You can’t sell to someone with a fake ID. He could be a terrorist, for God’s sake! You should call the police!”

Me: “Ma’am, that is definitely not necessary. I am responsible for checking identification, and I–”

Lady: “I need to talk to your manager!”

(I begin to respond, but the guy politely waves me off and turns to the woman.)

Man: “Miss, I have another photo ID here, with a more recent picture. Do you think this matches?”

(He pulls a card out of his wallet and hands it to her. She goes completely white.)

Lady: “Well… um… yes, that’s, uh, fine!”

(She squirms for a moment, then exclaims, “I’ll be right back!” She drops the card and leaves the theater in a hurry. I give the guy his ticket.)

Me: “What was that you showed her?”

Man: “Oh, my handgun permit.”

#41 – Grannies: Gotta Love ‘Em – 10,411 votes

(A new employee informs me that she spotted a little boy sneaking some candy in his pants. I confront the boy and an older woman about it.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Hey, kiddo, what’s in your pocket?”

Boy: “Nothing!”

Granny: “Oh, h***, again?! Boy, if you don’t put that d***ed candy back, that lady gonna call the po-po on you! And I ain’t gonna stop her none.”

(The boy, crying, hands me 2 candy bars and a handful of suckers. I thank the lady, and get back to work. A few minutes later, the boy’s mother comes up to me.)

Mama: “Is that the b****?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Mama: “Aint’ talking to you.”

Boy: “Yes, mama.”

Mama: “Girl, you being rude to my son?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Mama: “So why you take away his candy?”

Me: “Because it wasn’t paid for.”

Mama: “Says who? I got him that candy!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s at least 100 degrees outside, and your boy had unmelted chocolate in his pocket. He didn’t bring that in with him. Besides, he was seen taking the candy off the shelf.”

Mama: “What? Who said that?” *turns to the other cashiers* “Which one of you a**holes told on my boy?”

Me: “Excuse me, but that’s not important.”

Mama: “What’s your point, then?!”

Me: “The point is, your boy was caught stealing.”

Mama: “Forget about the d***ed candy, you nosy b****! Ain’t none of your business!”

Me: “Ma’am, your son was spotted shoplifting, which is a crime. You’re lucky I don’t report him.”

Mama: “You stupid b****! I don’t give a flying f*** about the candy!”

(She raises her hands as if to hit me.)

Me, to a coworker: “Call the manager, he should be in by now.”

(Just then, Granny appears out of nowhere and smacks her daughter with her handbag.)

Granny: “WHAT THE H*** YOU DOING, GIRL?” *continues to smack and berate her daughter* “Upsetting people like that! No common sense! S***! YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT!”

Mama: “But, Ma–”

Granny: “SHUT YOUR MOUTH GIRL! GET IN THE D***ED CAR!” *turns to me* “I’m so sorry about that. She crazy, I swear to God. She’ll never come back in here, I promise.”

Me: “…”

Granny, to daughter: “CAN’T TAKE YOUR CRAZY A** NOWHERE! S***!”

(She walks out like nothing happened, and true to her word, I’ve not seen that lady since.)

#40 – The Land Of Milk And Money – 10,444 votes

(I am working at a packing house, cutting checks for local dairy farmers who sell us one or two cows at a time. They are given a scale ticket in the barn, which I use to cut a check.)

Me: “Hi, can I have your scale ticket?”

Farmer: “I’d like him to help me.” *points at a USDA associate*

Me: “Sorry, sir, but he doesn’t work for us. He works for the USDA.”

Farmer: “Well, I’d like you to find a MAN who can cut me a check for my cows.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but none of the men that work here know how to cut checks. All our office staff members are women.”

Farmer: “Don’t lie, you little hussy! Only men can run a business! You go back to making coffee!”

Me: “Sir, you run a dairy farm, correct?”

Farmer: “Yeah.”

Me: “And you make money from the milk you sell?”

Farmer: “That’s how a dairy farm works, sweetheart. Now get me a–”

Me: “So, basically, milk is money to you?”

Farmer: “Yes. Now get me a–”

Me: “And does the milk come from male cattle?”

Farmer: “Ha ha! NO!”

Me: *pointed look*

Farmer: *hands me the scale ticket*

#39 – Ain’t No Mountain Wry Enough – 10,534 votes

Me: “…and a large Dew.”

Customer: “I’m sorry, did you just call me a Jew?”

Customer’s wife: “But honey, you are a Jew.”

Me: “Oh no, sorry. I meant a large Mountain Dew.”

Customer: “Oh really? Really, I’m flattered but I’ve never been to the mountains.”

Me: “Ah, sorry?”

Customer: *comically bangs his fists against his chest* “I am the large mountain Jew!”

Customer’s wife: * to me* “I am so sorry about him. Honestly, I can’t take him anywhere.”

Me: “Really, it’s fine.”

Customer: “The large mountain Jew goes anywhere he wants to!”

#38 – Gadgets & Morals Make Strange Bedfellows – 10,683 votes

The customer needed help adding his music into his iTunes library. I showed him how, and this is what happened:

Customer: “… Uggghhh!”

Me: “What happened?”

Customer: “Well, I’ll be honest. It’s adding my porn.”

Me: *silence* “Oh….”

Customer: “Please make it stop! I don’t want porn on my iPod!”

Me: “Click the little X near the top.”

Customer: “Okay, it stopped.”

Me: “Try adding the My Music folder again.”

Customer: “It’s doing it again! Oh God!”

Me: “Okay, uh… let’s just move it from your My Music folder to a new folder in My Documents.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll do that.”

(few seconds of silence pass while he moves the files)

Customer: “Oh, man. It’s gonna take 24 minutes for all the files to move.”

Me: “Twenty-four minutes? Are you sure?!”

Customer: “Yes, I’m sure.”

(I show him how to do some other unrelated action while the porn is moved)

Customer: “Alright, great. Now that we’re done concealing my shame….”

#37 – 27 Stresses – 10,737 votes

(It is prom season. We have a lot of girls coming in to try on dresses. Three girls have been trying on heaps of dresses. They finally select the ones they want.)

Me: “I see you’ve made your final selection! If you just bring them to the register, I’ll be happy to ring you up.”

(Their mother walks over.)

Mother: “Oh, what lovely dresses!”

Girl: “Yeah. We had to go through a lot of dresses before we found anything decent.”

(The mother gets a weird look on her face.)

Mother, to me: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Mother: “Are those the dressing rooms?”

Me: “Yes.”

Mother: “Do you mind if I run in there for a minute?”

Me: “Go ahead!”

(The mother walks in, and sees all the dresses on the floor of the dressing rooms. She comes out fuming.)

Mother: “You girls march right in there, pick up every dress, and hang them back up! Right now!”

Girl: “Why? It’s her job!”

Mother: “I did not raise a bunch of pigs! Get in there now, or you won’t be going to prom!”

#36 – Not So Sweet Toothed – 10,791 votes

(The bakery had just closed. I had clocked out, and was on my way out of the store.)

Lady: “Excuse me, could you decorate this cake for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am. My shift is over, and the bakery is closed.”

Lady: “But I need it done for tomorrow! If you don’t do it, I’ll call your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, what do you do for a living?”

Lady: “I’m a dentist…”

Me: “Would you like to look at my teeth after your shift ends, for free?”

Lady: “That’s different. My job is hard. Anyone could do your job.”

Me: “Then you won’t mind taking that cake home and decorating it yourself.”

#35 – Factual Innuendos – 10,853 votes

(I’m working as a cashier at a hardware store. A customer comes to my line wearing a floor-length black trench coat, which he is clutching around himself rather suspiciously.)

Me: “Hello, sir, did you find everything alright today?”

Customer: “Would you like to see my bird?” *suggestively nods down toward his jacket*

Me: “Umm, excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, my bird…

(He opens one side of his trench coat, only to show that he indeed has a large green parrot hidden in his jacket.)

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “What, is green not your color? No worries!”

(The customer opens the other side of his trench coat and reveals another large parrot–this one red.)

Me: *still speechless*

#34 – I Tremble For Our Children – 10,970 votes

(A teacher calls me to her classroom. She is trying to project an image on a screen behind a student for a TV camera shot with the projector at eye level in front of the student.)

Teacher: “There is a shadow behind the student now. How can I get rid of that?”

Me: “You can’t. He is blocking the light from the projector from getting to the screen. You could put the projector behind the student, but the image would be smaller on the screen.”

Teacher: “Then what can we do?”

(I get the idea of holding a piece of paper over part of the lens of the projector to create a square area where the student stands where no light would shine. This gives the shadow a bit neater of a shape rather than a human shape.)

Me: “Here, hold this paper over the left side of the lens where the student is standing.”

(The teacher puts a piece of paper RIGHT IN FRONT of the students face.)

Me: “No, right by the lens so a square unlit area will be where the student is standing.”

(The teacher moves the piece of paper and puts it directly BEHIND the students head.)

Me: “No, here…”

(I put the piece of paper in front of the projector lens, leaving a nice square dark area on the screen where the student would stand.)

Teacher: “Well now there is a square there! There is no image directly behind the student, just around the student!”

Me: “Yeah, I know. There is nothing you can do about that, though. It’s the physics of light.”

Teacher: “What if I ask your boss? Think he could do it?”

Me: “No, he cannot bend light around objects.”

Teacher: “Why not?”

Me: “Because he’s not a black hole.”

#33 – Why Cashiers Should Rule The World – 11,031 votes

(I’m a customer in the check out line. I’m buying a box of tampons for my mom, who is bedridden after surgery. One of the two customers standing behind me in line speaks up.)

Other customer: “Ha-ha what a p****. He’s buying tampons.”

(I ignore the two and move forwards to the cashier. She’s an attractive girl of about 20 years old.)

Cashier: “$5.71 after the discount.”

(I have no idea what discount she’s talking about, but I pay her and get my change.)

Cashier: *with a smile on her face* “Here you go baby, I’m taking my break now and I’ll see you at home at 8. Just leave the tampons in my car, please.”

(She leans over the counter and kisses me on the cheek. She then turns the light off on the register number and walks off towards the other side of the store. The two customers watched her with their jaws open and angrily walk off to another register.)

#32 – Klingon To The Hope Of A Ticket – 11,036 votes

Customer: “Two tickets for Star Trek, please.”

Me: “That showing has sold out, sir.”

Customer: “What! That’s impossible!”

Me: “The IMAX is very popular sir. I am afraid we don’t have any more seats until tomorrow.”

Customer: “I need to see this movie! You’re not a Star Trek fan. You wouldn’t understand! Please sell me a ticket!”

Me: “I would love to sir, but the needs of the one or the few do not outweigh the needs of the many.”

Customer: *recognizing my quote from Star Trek* “I see. I suppose I couldn’t say that sometimes the needs of the one or the few do outweigh the needs of the many?”

Me: “No sir, that would be quite illogical.”

Customer: “Hmm, you’re good.”

Me: “I must have the lobes for business.”

Customer: “Two tickets for tomorrow then, please.”

Me: “Very good, sir.”

Customer: “Live long and prosper!”

#31 – Dads: Gotta Love ‘Em – 11,194 votes

(My father owns an auto shop, where I sometimes work part time. Late one afternoon, a woman comes in.)

Me: “May I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. I need my car inspected.”

Me: “Well, we’re not taking any more inspections this afternoon. May I schedule you for tomorrow?”

Customer: “No, I want my car inspected now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we take in our last inspection at 4:00 so we have time to pack up and shut down the machine.”

Customer: “Yes, but I just bought my car from *** and they told me I could bring my car here to get inspected for free.”

Me: “Yes, they will pay for your inspection here, but we’re closing soon. I’d be happy to schedule you an appointment for another day.”

Customer: “No! This is an outrage! At *** they told me I could bring in my car ANY TIME to be inspected here!”

Me: “Um… well…”

Customer: “I want my car inspected RIGHT NOW. They told me I could have it inspected any time!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s 4:45 and we are closing in 15 minutes. We don’t have time…”

Customer: “Where is your manager!? I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Um… I’m afraid he’s out test driving a car.”

Customer: “That’s unacceptable! Is there anyone else I can talk to? I need to get my car inspected!”

Me: “Hold on…”

(I go out into the shop and check, but sure enough the only other person still here this late is the trainee mechanic. The woman proceeds to yell at us for about ten minutes. Eventually, my dad returns from his test drive.)

Me: “Dad, can you help this woman?”

Dad: “What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I brought my car here from *** for an inspection but they won’t give one to me!”

(My dad proceeds to tell her everything I told her, smiling through all her abuse. Eventually…)

Customer: “Fine! This is an outrage! I’m going to write a complaint letter to *** about you!”

Dad: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Me: “My God.”

Dad: “Let me give you a little advice about people like that. When somebody gets all worked up at you like that, you need to remain calm. Because the calmer you are, the angrier they get, and it’s REALLY funny.”

#30 – Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota – 11,312 votes

Customer: “I’d like pineapple on my sub.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have pineapple. Only Mr. Sub has pineapple.”

Customer: “Yes you do! I always get pineapple here!”

Me: “I’ve worked here for quite a while, and we’ve never had it. Sorry!”

Customer: “Excuse me, the customer is always right! You can’t argue with me!”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: *speaks to my manager* “Excuse me, your employee is arguing with me! What are you going to do about it?”

Manager: “Don’t be so stupid! Get out of my store!”

#29 – A Match Made In Size 7 – 11,467 votes

(A couple walk in, the lady in front, the man trailing tiredly behind. The lady spins around the store.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”

Lady: “I need these pants in size 0, pronto.”

Me: “Who are you getting them for?”

Lady: “MYSELF! What do you think!”

(I get her what she wants, she takes them and goes into a change room.)

Lady: “HEY, these are defective! Get me another pair!”

Me: “May I suggest a bigger size?”

Lady: “Are you saying I look fat? That I can’t fit into these pants?! I’ll have you know, I always wear size 0… these pants must be made wrong! Now get me another pair!”

Man: “Honey, those are really small pants, just try a slightly bigger one.”

(Without a pause, she turns around and slaps the man.)

Lady: “Why can’t you just be on my side! That was so rude! You’re sleeping on the couch tonight!”

Man: “We don’t live together.”

Lady: “What do you mean! We moved in last week… remember?”

Man: “No… we don’t live together.”

(The lady realizes he’s not caving. She flicks a look at me, then tries a different route.)

Lady: “Well, I mean, you’re still sleeping on the couch in your own apartment! To show remorse for disrespecting me. Or else!”

Man: “Or else what?”

Lady: “Or else I’m dumping you!”

Man: “… Okay.”

Lady: “You just–you just like HER, don’t–” *walks out fast, sobbing*

(The man stayed behind and apologized to me. My shift was ending so we went for dinner, and long story short he’s now my fiance! Couldn’t ask for a better man, and I’ve got to thank that lady someday for making it all possible…)

#28 – Hopefully, She Got The House – 11,482 votes

Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

Guest: “Hi, yes, I’m calling because your hotel charged our credit card twice?”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, if I can have your name, I’ll look you up in the computer and we can get this straightened out.”

Guest: *morphs into an uber-witch in 3 seconds flat* “Straightened out? D**n right you’re going to get this straightened out! You charged enough for that crappy little room, I’ll be d**ned if we’re paying for it twice! My husband works too hard for his money to be charged double for something like this! There wasn’t even a BAR there!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but if I can just have your name and the date you stayed–”

Guest: “That’s just IT! I was charged on two separate DATES. My name is _______ and my husband and I stayed there on June 9th. There’s another charge on there for the 17th, I want this fixed!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I understand, ma’am. I’m looking now, ma’am… okay, I see the problem. You did stay here on the 9th of June. I’m showing that someone by the name of [husband] stayed on the 17th.”

(There’s dead silence for a moment, and then whispering.)

Guest: “What?”

(At this point my stomach falls into my shoes, because I can hear her mind ticking away, and I know something she doesn’t: another name is listed on the screen with her husband’s for the June 17th stay, and it’s NOT HERS.)

Me: “Um… ma’am?”

Guest: “I see. You’ve been very helpful.”

Me: “Thank you ma’am. Can I help you with anything else today–”

(At this moment the woman drops the phone but does not hang up, and I hear her begin to scream at someone, swearing in combos I never would have thought up. I hang up quickly and try to go about my business, making a note of it to tell my boss. Then I get another phone call…)

Me: “Thank you for calling, how–”

Guest’s husband: “I want to talk to your manager, you stupid little b**ch! You dumb little c**t, you probably just cost me my marriage and I am going to sue your s**thole hotel for every penny it’s worth! Do you hear me? Do you?!”

Me: *click*

#27 – We Need One Of These In Every Store, Part 2 – 11,674 votes

(There is a long line at a small local convenience store due to a very nice but inexperienced cashier. The cashier messes up a purchase for the second time…)

Owner, to cashier: “What the f*** is wrong with you?! You are so f***ing worthless!”

Customer: “How dare you talk to her like that! She is trying her hardest!”

Owner, to customer: “If you don’t like how I treat my employees, you can leave!”

(Upon hearing this, everyone in line drops their things on the ground and walks out of the store.)

#26 – Mission: Impossible – 11,832 votes

Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”

Me: *I pick up some stuff* “Not a problem. I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”

Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”

Me: “Open your car.”

Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer—you can’t touch it!”

Me: “Then how do I open it?”

Customer: “That’s your problem.”

Me: “Actually it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”

Customer: “You have to open it.”

Me: “Watch me not open it.”

Customer: “Okay, then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”

Me: “So, If I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Your car might just be there forever.”

#25 – In Real Hot Sauce Now – 11,966 votes

(I walk in and stand in a line. I’ve been there for all of five seconds before a man runs in, elbows his way to the front of the queue and slams a burger in front of the cashier. She is a young teenager.)

Customer: “You f***ing b****! How many f***ing times do I have to tell you no f***ing sauce?!”

Cashier: *smiling all the way through the exchange* “I’m sorry sir, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “You f***ing up my burger! I want a refund now!”

Cashier: “Certainly, sir! Do you remember what time you came in at?”

Customer: “How am I supposed to f***ing know? You’re the one who took the d*** order!”

Cashier: “I’ll have a look, sir, if you give me one moment.”

(She taps her screen, all the while being yelled abuse at by the customer. All the other customers have since cleared out, except for me. I motion to the cashier that I’ve called the police.)

Cashier: “Hm…oh, is this your order?” *rattles off a few items*

Customer: “Yes, that’s my d*** order! Now give me my f***ing refund!”

Cashier: “Certainly, sir, let me just authorise that for you.”

(She taps on her screen some more and swipes a card a few times.)

Customer: “F***ing hurry up, you b****! My f***ing dinner’s getting cold!”

Cashier: “My apologies sir, give me one moment. Would you like me to give you a fresh order?”

Customer: “You’d better, you b****!”

Cashier: *hands customer his refunded money* “Okay, it’ll be three minutes to cook your order so if you’d like to sit down-”

(At this point the man throws the money he’s just been given at the cashier and screams abuse at her. She picks up the change and counts it.)

Cashier: “Your change comes up to £3.71, which is just enough for another meal. Which one would you like?”

Customer: “Would you just hurry up and give me my d*** food! Are you f***ing simple or something?”

Cashier: “No, just distracting you ’till the police get here.”

(Two uniformed police officers walk in and take the man away, who is still cursing. The manager walks out of a side room which he has been hiding in–he’s about thirty and male–and offers her a promotion on the spot. She promptly tells him that she’d rather die than be spineless like him and quits. She then pockets the change, grabs most of the food on display and leaves, but not before thanking me and sharing half the food with me.)

#24 – Fast Food For Fast Thinkers – 12,198 votes

(I am working as a cashier and two customers come in talking loudly about how dumb minimum wage fast-food workers are. One of them decides to prove it…)

Customer: “Let me ask you a question. What’s 7 times 7?”

Me: “49.”

Customer: “What’s 8 times 8?”

Me: “64.”

Customer: “E equals MC squared?”

Me: “What about it?”

Customer: “What does it mean?”

Me: “Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared.”

Customer: “Uhm…”

Me: “Would you like fries with that?”

#23 – The Wisdom To Know The Difference – 12,342 votes

(I’m with my wife at a well known fast food place, and they employ a young man with special needs who we both know and are very friendly with. An angry customer accosts him at the register.)

Customer: “S***, they’re taking so f***ing long with my food!”

Employee: “Just a sec, sir…”

Customer: “You’d better!”

(Not three minutes later, the employee comes with the customer’s food.)

Employee: “Here you go, sir.”

Customer: “Where’s the f***ing ranch?”

Employee: “Right away, sir!”

Customer: “No, forget it! You’ll probably slobber all over it!”

Wife: “Excuse me, sir, but this young man is doing his job. He’s not doing anything to hurt you, so how about you shut the f*** up!”

Customer: “F*** you, fat a**!”

Employee: “She’s a nice lady! There’s a baby inside her, and she’s not fat!”

Customer: “F*** you!” *storms out, upsetting some chairs*

Wife, to the employee: “People are so mean to you, honey. I’m so sorry, I can’t believe he said that to you, that a**hole!”

Employee: *grinning* “Don’t worry about it, Jesus and my mama still love me!” *walks away, the happiest man on earth*

#22 – Love A Jedi Shall Know – 12,467 votes

(I was at work and I saw two girls from my college I knew as acquaintances, but not as much more than that. I had a crush on one of them as she was really pretty and seemed nice for the most part. I watched as she and her friend approached the register.)

My Crush: “No, you’re wrong! I’m telling you, he never said that!”

(I assumed they were gossiping about something until I listened a little more to the conversation.)

Her Friend: “No, he did! He totally did! We watched it last night, stupid!”

My Crush: “Obi-Wan never says, ‘I love you, Anakin’. The line is ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you!’.”

Her Friend: “No!”

My Crush: *turns to me* “Oh hey [my name]! What’s up?”

Me: “Not much. I’m good. And you’re right; Obi-Wan’s line was ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you’.”

My Crush: “Oh, my God, thank you!” *turns to her friend* “And you call yourself a Star Wars fan.”

(Her friend scowled, but they paid and said goodbye. I watched as they got to the automatic doors. Her friend pretended to use ‘The Force’ on them. Suddenly, my crush jumped in front of her.)

My Crush: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

(I walked over and asked her out. We got married a month ago.)

#21 – Making A Hug(e) Difference – 12,778 votes

(I’m having a very bad day, having dealt with a series of unpleasant customers. I have a half-hearted smile on my face, when a six year old boy walks in. He stares at me for a second, then gives me a hug.)

Me: “Thanks, but where is your mommy?”

Boy: “She’ll be here soon.”

Me: “She might not want you hugging random strangers.”

(He shakes his head.)

Boy: “Mommy says retail people need more hugs. You looked like you needed one.”

#20 – Well Played, Indeed – 13,617 votes

(This is a friend’s experience while working at a popular fast food place on the overnight shift.)

Employee: “Thanks for calling, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I came through drive-thru earlier tonight, and there’s something wrong with my food.”

Employee: “Um, okay…what’s wrong exactly?”

Customer: “Well, I ordered ***, and there was a used condom on the sandwich.”

Employee, holding in a laugh: “Sir, that’s impossible. We don’t practice safe sex here.”

Customer: “Well played.” *hangs up*

#19 – Burned – 13,936 votes

(I’m a high ropes instructor and work with kids in the forest. There are “No Smoking” signs posted all over the place, but I see a woman smoking right next to a sign.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. There’s no smoking in this area.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because it could start a fire.”

Customer: *snottily* “Well, I’ll make sure not to do that.”

Me: “Ma’am, you still can’t smoke in this area. There are children everywhere… the smoke’s not good for them.”

Customer: “Well, they’re my children, so it’s really my decision to make, isn’t it?”

Me: “Actually, as this is our property, it’s our decision. Please take your disgusting habit elsewhere.”

Customer: “Your FACE is disgusting.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, as soon as my face starts causing cancer, you can complain.”

#18 – Ah, Parents… – 14,029 votes

(The phone rings at around 6-ish.)

Me: “Hello, this is D-…”

(I hear loud crying in the background.)

Man: “Hello, Disney World? I’m just calling to say that if my children don’t finish their vegetables in the next five minutes, we won’t be visiting you this year.”

Me: “I…er…what?”

Man: *whispering* “Thank you.” *click*

#17 – … And We Wonder Why Everyone Hates Us – 14,600 votes

Customer: “Are you Hispanic?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Middle Eastern?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Egyptian?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “What are you?”

Me: “Chinese.”

(customer puts on offended face)

Customer: “I don’t appreciate you treating me like I’m dumb.”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m being honest.”

Customer: “NO CHINESE PERSON WOULD EVER HAVE EYES AS BIG AS YOURS!!!”

Me: *mouth wide open*

#16 – On The Straight And Narrow (Minded) – 14,676 votes

(Note: I’m a female customer sitting in a pub. I’m approached by another male customer while I read a book.)

Male customer: “Hello, my name is ***.”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Male customer: “So can I have your number?”

Me: “Oh. Actually, I’m gay.”

Male customer: “You want to have sex with women?”

Me: “Well, not right now. Right now, I just want to read my book.”

Male customer: “That’s bulls***! If you’re a lesbian then you want to have sex with women!”

Me: “Honestly, I just want to read my book.”

Male customer: “You’re lying to me, that’s very rude! I’m going to complain!”

Male customer, to a waitress: “That girl over there is being really rude. I want you to do something, it’s disturbing my day. She just lied to me and told me that she was a lesbian, and now she’s mocking me.”

Waitress: “What am I supposed to do about that? Make her straight?”

Male customer: “Just do something about it!”

Waitress, to me: “Hello, there.”

Me: “Hello. I’m sorry about him.”

Waitress: “Oh, it’s no problem! So, can I have your number?”

Male customer: *looks horrified*

Me: “Er, yeah, sure. Here.”

(I write my number on a napkin and she takes it, still smiling.)

Waitress, to male customer: “See? She’s a lesbian.”

Male customer: “That’s not what I wanted you to do! I didn’t want you to ask her out, I wanted you to make her leave! I demand to speak to your manager!”

Waitress: “Oh, he’s just popped out. I can get his boyfriend for you though if you want?”

Male customer: *storms out cursing*

(It turned out that the waitress was kidding about her manager, but she wasn’t kidding about asking me out!)

#15 – He Fought The Law, And The Law Won – 14,725 votes

(A man has been causing a ruckus at the registers for ten minutes and a line had formed behind him.)

Man: “I’m a lawyer and I know my rights! If you don’t take this return I’m going to sue the living s*** out of you.”

(A woman in a professional-looking business suit steps up to the register. In a cool professional voice, she asks to see the receipt that the man is waving. After a moment’s inspection, she gives him a hard stare over the rim of her glasses.)

Woman: “Sir, the store’s return policy is clearly printed on your receipt. They cannot take back opened CDs.”

Man: “But–”

Woman: “FURTHERMORE, by purchasing from this store, you are accepting the store’s return policy as a signed contract that you agreed to abide by.”

Man: “I–”

Woman: “IN ADDITION, by blatantly trying to circumvent this contract signed by you, no judge would rule in your favor.”

Man: “But I–”

Woman: “If you really were a lawyer, you would be fully aware of this fact. By claiming to be a lawyer when you are clearly NOT, you are committing an act of fraud, which can get you arrested.”

(The man turns white and flees the store without another peep.)

Woman: “I’ve had eight years’ experience working behind the registers, dealing with people like him. MAN, that felt GOOD!”

#14 – A Good Ol’ Fashioned A** Whoopin’ – 15,201 votes

Me: “Sir, would you like to use any coupons today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ve been saving them. Here you go!”

(He hands me a coupon that had expired five years previously.)

Me: “Sir, your coupon is expired.”

Customer: “WHAT?! What do you mean its expired? You f***ing b****, you’re just trying to steal my f***ing money! You’re trying to rob me! You and this f***ing company are trying to steal my f***ing money!”

(The customer attempts to climb over the counter and attack me. Thankfully, my manager intercepts him.)

Manager: “Sir, I need you to come with me.”

(My manager hauls the customer off counter by the back of his collar and drags him outside. Ten minutes pass, and he comes back in hauling a very disheveled customer by the shirt.)

Customer: “Your manager told me that I need to apologize to you. I’m sorry for yelling.”

Manager: “Now, apologize for cursing at her.”

Customer: “I’m sorry for cursing at you.”

Manager: “Now, what’s our policy on expired coupons?”

Customer: “You don’t accept them.”

Manager, to me: “Is he forgiven, or would you like to have him arrested?”

Me: “No, it’s okay. ”

Manager, to customer: “Now get out, and don’t come back.” *throws customer out*

#13 – Hell In A Handbag – 15,580 votes

Me: “That will be 17.50, please.”

Customer: “Are you a Christian, dear?”

Me: “Why do you ask?”

Customer: “Are you?”

Me: “Well, no. Why do you want to know?”

Customer: “Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else, please.”

Manager: “Good morning ma’am, I hear you’ve been having a problem with the clerk?”

Customer: “Oh, she didn’t make any trouble, it’s just that I don’t want my money to be handled by someone not of the faith. You should be careful, she’ll probably nick from the till when you’re not looking.”

Manager: “You’re right, ma’am, I shall definitely have to reprimand her.”

Me: *surprised* “What for?”

Manager: “For failing to notice that the lady was not planning on paying for the three Mars bars and the map of Europe she must have put in her bag while you were fetching me.”

(The customer freezes for a second, then looks at her bag.)

Customer: “Good heavens! I must’ve been so distracted I didn’t even notice the devil putting them there!”

#12 – Hell Hath No Fury Like A Pregnant Woman Scorned – 16,032 votes

(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Can you break a $100 bill?”

Me: “Actually, I can’t. We just opened and I haven’t gone to the bank today.”

Customer: “Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!”

(At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he’s buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)

Me: “Sir, these aren’t for you, are they?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did your pregnant wife send you out at 8 in the morning to buy this candy?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you’re in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!”

(The customer bolts out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)

#11 – No Pranks, Just Thanks – 16,781 votes

(I am shelving DVDs in a library when a man comes in with a boy who appears to be autistic. The boy sees a movie about Thanksgiving.)

Boy: “Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving! I’m thankful… I’m thankful for… I’m thankful for my friends at school!”

Caretaker: “You’re thankful for your friends at school?”

Boy: “Yeah! Yeah and… and… what are you thankful for? Are you thankful for your friends?”

Caretaker: *no response*

Boy: “Are you thankful for me?”

Caretaker: “I’m thankful for you, kid. I’m more thankful for you than all my friends in the world.”

Boy: *smiles*

#10 – Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones – 17,408 votes

(Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)

Me: *walks out of the cooler*

Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there.

Me: “I don’t mind it.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”

Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!”

Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”

#9 – We Need One Of These In Every Store – 17,574 votes

Employee: *making out a rain check* “Okay, so I’m just going to look on the computer and check if any other locations have this item.”

Nice customer: “Okay, thanks.”

Angry customer: “Stop f***ing socializing and do your g**d*** job!”

Employee: “Sir, please don’t be abusive, I’m just checking our other loc-”

Angry customer: “I don’t care! DO YOUR JOB!”

(At this point, the angry customer moves toward the counter in a very threatening way. The customer behind HIM, a super-fit guy in a UFC jacket, steps in. Mr. UFC grabs the angry customer in a CHOKE HOLD and drags him outside, followed quickly by management, and to the applause of the staff and customers inside the store.)

(The angry customer was banned from the store and Mr. UFC got a gift card.)

#8 – As The Checkout Line Churns – 18,373 votes

(I’m ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this…)

Me: “Your last name is [name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we’re related?” *chuckle*

Customer: *very serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Oh, I was joking, we’re not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England.”

Customer: *more serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Uhhh…I’m no–”

Customer: “Do you have a brother named [brother’s name]?”

Me: “Yes, actually…”

Customer: “Is your mother [mom’s name]?”

Me: “Uh, yeah…”

Customer: “And your father’s name is [my estranged father’s name]?”

Me: “Well, he’s my biological father, yes.”

Customer: *sticks out hand* “Nice to meet you, I’m your step-mother!”

(The entire line of about a dozen people behind her gasps, like they were watching a soap opera.)

Me: “Oh, God…please don’t tell my father I work here.”

Customer: “You know why your father left your mother, right?”

Me: “Uh…no?”

Customer: “Because she cheated on him with [my stepfather]!”

(The line behind her gasps again.)

Me: “Oh, okay…”

Customer: “You know, your father is very heartbroken about you. You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. You should call him and talk to him just so he can see how you’re doing.”

Me: “Actually, we don’t–”

Customer: “You and I need to go out for coffee sometime. I have a lot of stories to tell you.”

Me: “Okay, well–”

Customer: “I promise, I’m not an evil stepmother. Well, I’ll see you later, sweetie!”*bounces out the front door*

Me: *speechless*

Next customer: “Sweetie, are you okay?”

Me: *still speechless*

Next customer: “Why don’t you take a break? We don’t mind waiting.”

Entire line: “No! Go take a break!”

Me, to my boss: “Hey, I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in–”

Boss: “For God’s sake, go home! I’ll see you on Monday.”

#7 – You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number – 18,970 votes

(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

Me: “Adult websites.”

Customer: “Oh…OH! Oh my God!”

#6 – Hard Drugs And Harder Pharmacists – 19,073 votes

(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Gimme all the f***ing medicine!”

(The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)

Me: “The pharmacy is in the back of the store.”

Customer: “Oh…okay.”

(He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)

Manager: “Who was that?”

Me: “Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy.”

Manager: “Why didn’t you call the police?”

(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year old boxer built like a fridge.)

Me: “Doug started working today.”

#5 – A Heady Proposition – 19,276 votes

Customer: “I have a big problem. You cut off my head!”

Me: “I’m sorry? How did I cut off your head?”

(The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.)

Me: “Sir, it looks like it was taken that way.”

Customer: “No it wasn’t! My whole head was there when I took it. I’m sure!”

Me: “Okay, let me see your memory card…”

(The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.)

Me: “Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn’t in it.”

Customer: “But it’s DIGITAL, can’t you fix it?”

Me: “You can’t create something from nothing.”

Customer: “But… but… but… I need a photo for a dating website!”

Me: “Give me the camera and go stand over there.”

Customer: *excited* “Hot d***! You can be my best man!”

Me: “A thank you card will be enough.”

(Skip ahead 9 months…)

Female customer: “Is your name ***?”

Me: “Yes, can I help you?”

Female customer: “My husband wanted you to have this.” *hands me an envelope*

(I open the envelope, and sure enough there’s a thank you card with a picture of him and his wife. He actually got married and sent her in with the card!)

#4 – Thank You For Shopping At ApocalypseMart – 19,278 votes

(It’s Halloween, and I’m dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.)

Me: “Did you find everything you needed tonight?”

Customer: “Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am.”

Customer: “But don’t you think you took it a little too far?”

Me: “Uh… took what too far?”

Customer: “Well I understand that you’re supposed to be some type of vampire, but don’t you think that necklace is taking it too far?”

Me: “Oh, that. That’s not part of my costume, I always wear that.”

Customer: *loudly* “Well if you want to risk burning in H*** for wearing that devil worshiping symbol, that’s just fine with me… but they shouldn’t be letting you wear that here in a public place!”

Me: *sarcastically* “Well, why shouldn’t they let me wear it? After all, we all practice together and I’m the high priestess. In fact as soon as you leave, we’re gonna close up the store, start a bonfire in the parking lot, and then dance naked around it until dawn.”

Customer, to one of my managers: “Aren’t you going to do anything about what she said to me?”

Manager #1: “Yes, ma’am. As soon as you leave, we’re going to close the store.”

Customer: “THAT’S IT?!”

Manager #2: “Of course not, ma’am. You heard the rest of our… plans.”

(And with the kind of timing that only happens once in a lifetime, a stock boy unwittingly walks out of the back room while taking his uniform shirt off at the same time. The customer practically runs out of the store.)

#3 – Paging Leonidas To The Front Desk – 21,414 votes

Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”

Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… we don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”

Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”

(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”

Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”

Customer: “F**K THAT!!! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”

Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”

Customer: “What? NO!”

Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”

Customer: “Then do it!”

(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”

Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”

Me: *puts the customer down*

Customer: *confused* “… What is it?”

(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*

#2 – Fighting Fire With Fire – 22,526 votes

(A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They’re ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks and screaming their little heads off.)

Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers.”

Father: *beaming* “No.”

Me: “No, as in, no, you won’t tell them to stop it?”

Father: *still beaming*“Yes.”

(I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.)

Customer #1: “So there’s nothing you can do about them?”

Me: “I’m so very sorry sir, but no. I can get you a drink from the house to make up for it.”

Customer #2: “No, that won’t do.”

Me: “Well, I can see if I can get you a free dessert…”

Customer #2: “Not what I meant. Can’t you get your boss?”

Me: “I’m afraid he’s not in, sir.”

Customer #1: “Well, we won’t accept any free stuff. I bet that would come out of your pay.”

Customer #3: “Hold on…”

(The customer gets up and the others immediately follow him to the noisy, messy table. They’re now surrounded by eight tall, young men who look mighty pissed.)

Customer #3: *to the father* “Tell them to stop it.”

Father: *still beaming* “No.”

Customer #1: “You’re upsetting the waitress.”

Father: “Do you guys even work here?”

Customer #1: “No, we’re from that prison up the street. We’re out on parole. Funny coincidence, we all served seven years for kidnapping and murdering a bunch of noisy brats and a jerk who made minimum-wage waitresses cry.”

(At this point the kids become very, very quiet and the other patrons start giggling and staring.)

Father: “You’re lying.”

Customer #4: “Wanna take that chance, buddy?”

(One more lecherous grin was enough to send the whole bunch of misfits scurrying to the exit. My knights in shining armor actually got applause from the other diners and a free meal from me.)

#1 – Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining – 26,774 votes

(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

Girl #3: *taken aback* “I…I worked out today. I need the protein.”

Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

(This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)

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