The 20 Worst Types Of Neighbor And How To Identify Them

| Friendly | May 9, 2016

There goes the neighborhood…

#1: The Nosy Nelly

A nosy woman spying

Remember that character Idris Elba played in Thor who could see EVERYTHING? Well he doesn’t hold a candle to Nosy Nelly. They have a supernatural ability to know your business before you do. Usually retired and with way too much time on their hands, Nelly will usually be found peeping over the garden fences taking notes, befriending the postman to grab a gander at what magazines you’ve subscribed to, or at their window with a pair of binoculars, reenacting ‘Rear Window’ in a chilling fashion not even Hitchcock could conjure.


#2: The Party Animals

Humorous Puppies Singing the Happy Birthday Song Wearing Silly Hats

It’s a party and everyone’s invited! Except you, it seems. You might need to check the news to ensure the remainder of the city is still functioning, as it seems entirely plausible that its entire populace is currently next door, making it known quite vocally how many tequila shots they’ve already had while challenging their fellow partygoers into who can create the most colors of vomit building up alarmingly on the front lawn. There is no such thing as a school-night to a party animal, and no holiday is sacred, as everything from labor-day to MLK is celebrated with the cacophony of beer-cans being crushed against skulls and kegs crashing to the floor. And sadly none of them look like Zac Efron.


#3: The Snitch

children quarrel and teasing between two boys (brothers, friends) outdoor near red brick wall

These neighborhood rule-books in human form are always over-eager to enforce every single bylaw upon you. Did you get a note informing you that you unforgivably left the recycling out on a Thursday when you should KNOW they collect them on a Friday? Did you get a complaint (anonymously) that your soirée of continental cheeses and wine pairings ended a minute after midnight and is now in contempt of the neighborly code? Blame the snitch.


#4: The Lawnmower Man

Funny dog with sunglasses and boots watering a flower from a watering can

Everyone appreciates a neighbor that looks after their lawn. This one caresses every blade of grass as if it were his first-born and you wouldn’t be surprised if he spent the night polishing each one to ensure it has a healthy glistening sheen come morning. He will make unfavorable comparisons to all the others neighbors lawns, especially yours, which is merely considered ‘healthy,’ compared to his, which is considered ‘Adam & Eve would have left Eden and moved in here if they had known about it.’ At least with him next door you won’t need to invest in an alarm clock, as he’ll be up at the crack of dawn with his best friend and loyal companion the lawnmower.


#5: The Dysfunctional Couple

Angry young couple shouting face to face.

When they first moved in they seemed like a pleasant couple. Their first attempt building furniture from IKEA resulted in a shouting match full of death threats, profanities and (what sounded like) the frustrated destruction of aforementioned furniture, but then again what attempt to find the SPLUURGEN and connect it to the GYIPTHAARD doesn’t result in the occasional case of apoplexy. But then they would argue again, and again, until everyone in a three house radius is fully aware of who didn’t do the dishes, who didn’t take the trash out, and which one should have listened to their mother who warned them about their dysfunctional spouse.


#6: The Potential Speakeasy

long queue of people, back view

This could also be a halfway house, or a prostitution den, maybe a witches coven or a drug traffickers headquarters. The point is that you have no freaking clue. Even Nosey Nelly is perplexed about the relentless train of shady characters coming in and out of the front door and the Snitch would make a complaint except no one actually KNOWS who lives there. Tell the kids to avoid this one on Halloween.


#7: The Next-Door Thief

Dog stealing a cookie

Been a while since you’ve seen the daily newspaper that used to be patiently waiting for you on your porch every morning? Swear you left your running shoes just outside the front door just the other day? It’s not memory loss; you’ve been a victim of the next-door thief. In the halcyon days where housewives would cook apple pies and leave them to cool on the window-sill, they would have grabbed those too. Don’t leave anything to chance with these malicious magpies and keep everything locked away. You could try installing some cameras to catch them in the act but they might make a grab for them too.


#8: The Borrowers


Not an adorable little family of miniature people living under the floorboards (although if you do see them, go seek medication!) but instead an only-ever-so-slightly more polite version of the thieves next door, in that they actually ask to borrow something before never returning it. What results is stealing by attrition, where the Borrower conveniently forgets to return the item, maybe imploring you that they’ve already returned it and that you’re the one at fault here. Try to learn your lesson before your Tupperware collection becomes their Tupperware collection, or you’re forced to buy your 47th screwdriver.


#9: The Neighborhood Gossip

Two Friends Whispering Secrets in the Ear.

A close species to the Nosey Nelly, the Neighborhood Gossip never lets the facts get in the way of a good story. Marvel as to how easily and expertly they craft a tale from the barest strung-together half-truths and package it into a samaritanly public service announcement, while they’re really just trying to round up enough salacious factoids about you to develop into a new scandal to share with the next house over.


#10: The Members Of The Holier Than Thou Church Of Passive-Aggressiveness

happy family in front of the church

Homer Simpson would take Ned Flanders any day of the week compared to the smiling band of maniacal scripture-quoting acolytes living next door. Faith can be a wonderful thing but this family and their brain-washed indoctrinated little snots they call children have subverted what used to be a wonderful tenet of religion. They seem all pleasant at first, but very soon that rosy veneer cracks under the weight of their righteousness as they remind you (in very pleasant tones) how you’re likely going to Hell because you have HBO, and that it’s a sin to mow your lawn on the sabbath (they’ve given up trying to stop The Lawnmower man), before immediately offering you a homemade cookie in return for a donation to go towards their cult of everlasting reminders of how much God is watching you – even in the shower. Still, it could be worse, you could be living next to the Westboro Baptist Church.


#11: The Serial Killer

haunted house, as I was told by the locals. Shot in rural Wyoming. A dark, monochrome HDR image.

Okay, so he’s probably NOT a serial killer, but if you ever had to identify a likely subject from your pool of neighbors this guy would be on the top of your list. His unkempt house is creepy and full of foreboding. Even the neighborhood cats and dogs give it a wide berth, and you’d feel sorry for the postman who’s job it would be to make those steps towards his front door with eerie trepidation, except he never seems to get any mail (you know this because Nosey Nelly, who befriended the postman, told you). The rare times you do see him you remember as an event. He will never return a ‘hello’ or ‘how are you’ and his cold dead eyes ensure you won’t hang around for conversation even if he did. Still, he seems to have a project to keep him busy, what with all those trips to the supply store for the duct tape, compost bags and bleach…


#12: The Noah Wannabe

Group of animals on grass

The Hitchcockian references return with this unique neighbor, whose menagerie of all creatures great and small will have you believe that the plot of The Birds is about to descend upon your very house. They don’t own the cute and quiet animals like hamsters or Guinea pigs, but the loud, and messy, and destructive animals that poop everywhere and drive the local dogs crazy. Unless you’re Ace Ventura there is nothing to love about this neighbor, except the occasional bouts of   schadenfreude if Noah and The Lawnmower man end up living next to each other and all manner of feral creatures turn the perfect lawn into their giant crap bucket.


#13: The Never-Ending Fixer-Upper

Coque de bateau

All houses can be a bit of a project. Fix a roof-tile here, replace a window there. The NEFU loves more ambitious projects, and as the name implies, finishing them can occasionally be a challenge too far. Marvel then, at their lawn containing the empty shell of a boat that they acquired from a yard sale (that neighborhood that sold it already sounds smarter than your one) and will ‘one-day’ turn into their luxury yacht and make everyone else jealous. Or that extension they’ve been working on for five years to add to their floorspace, but all they’ve ended up achieving is creating a scene that the next director of a big-budget disaster movie could use as a location to save a couple of bucks.


#14: The ‘Lovers’

noisy neighbours, woman covering ears with pillow

Thanks to these two, you can expertly identify what noises are produced when two adults are in mid-coitus in all manner of interestingly named positions, such as the ‘sultry saddle,’ ‘the galloping horse,’ or God forbid (pun intended) the ‘edge of heaven,’ which will always be successful in ensuring you won’t be getting any sleep that night. When you confront them about their erotic adventures in the cold light of day they just giggle and shrug it off like it’s no big deal, but you, being already too embarrassed and flustered by the subject of your neighbors bumping uglies all through the night, naturally don’t pursue it further. Invest in a good pair of earmuffs.


#15: The Yard Artist

hanging decorative windchimes made out of clay

You never want to be accused of stifling someone’s creativity, but sometimes artists need to be reigned in. In the case of the yard artist, they need to be dragged, kicking and screaming back to the asylum they escaped from where the only spaces they could deface are the insides of their padded cells with the special crayons they use to draw those crazy spirals that are a message from Xanadu or something. Yes, the Yard Artist can take it too far, with their ‘more is more’ attitude and their collection of trinkets and thingermabobs to prove it. If a tornado ripped through the street and disgorged a towns’ worth of crap on to your street, The Yard Artist’s yard wouldn’t look noticeably different, or might even be improved. If the postman has suddenly gone missing he’s probably got lost between the Yard Artists gate and the front door.


#16: The Heavy-Steppers

Closeup of the big feet of an asiatic elephant

These are the bane of apartment dwellers, who you can imagine are quite shocked to discover that their upstairs neighbor in their inner-city block must be some form of Sasquatch. Or perhaps, you wonder as your beloved possessions are thrown about you as if an angry poltergeist were having a tantrum, it is just a human up there, but they’re practicing gymnastics, or conducting a bold scientific experiment that has somehow increased the gravity of the floor above by a factor of seventeen. You’d go up to complain, but honestly you’re far too scared to knock on their door and see what manner of beasts answers.


#17: The Musicians

Group of young male musicians playing on messy garage

All musicians have to start somewhere. Unfortunately you got the aspiring star that started nowhere and is working backwards. You feel sorry for their poor instruments, which sound like they’re begging to be put out of their misery. The Musician is a big enough nuisance on their own, but when they get a band together, even the howling of the unnatural creatures from the Noah Wannabe can’t drown out the cacophony of the rhythm-less drummer, the soulless sax player, or debased base-guitarist, practicing in their garage all weekend. If music be fruit of love then file for divorce.


#18: The Hipsters

young couple in love takes a selfie while plays guitar

The arrival of the hipsters means that your Neighborhood is a dump, but is on the verge of being discovered. Or maybe they’ve moved in ‘ironically.’ You’ll quickly end up not remotely caring as you soon become indifferent to their overgrown mustaches, insistence on only drinking their backyard distilled moonshine, and loudly playing music from the vinyl record player, music produced by bands you’ve obviously never heard of and whose band names were probably created by some Hipster meme generator, such as ‘Northern Holes Own Globes’ or ‘Self-Propagating Banana Soul.’ Shazam whatever they’re playing and pretend to know the song before engaging in conversation to really piss them off.


#19: The Joneses

dùm, bydlení, miniatura, støecha, byt, pozemek, stavba, nemovitost, hypotéka, okno, zahrada, velký, malý, model, stavebnictví, návrh, tráva, zelený, modrý, obloha, stavebnice, montáž, vzor, stìny, døevo, pokoj, les, životní prostøedí, investice, podhled, balkon, prùèelí, pøedstava, plán, louka, pøíroda, house, housing, miniature, roof, apartment, land, construction, property, mortgage, window, garden, big, small, model construction, design, grass, green, blue, sky, construction, installation, design, walls, wood, room, forest, environment, investment, ceiling, balcony, front, idea, plan, meadow, nature,

Everybody knows about keeping up with the Joneses. They will obnoxiously ensure the box for their 105-inch curved 4K television with built in scrotum massager remains on their front yard long enough got every neighbor to see… twice. They have a garage that can hold their four-wheel-drive ‘Doucheio-Roadster,’ but then no one would know they have one so it stays on the drive. There really is no point keeping up with them, as material possessions are the only things that make them happy, and lauding them over your ‘lowly’  house that just has the one blender and none of them are five-hundred-horsepower, even more so. Ignoring them can be the most infuriating response for them.


#20: The Tree-Huggers

Hippie Group Playing Music and Dancing Outside

These ethereal sprites in human form are on their way to Nirvana, and apparently your street is along the way. Sitting in their garden in their preferred breathable habitat (incense and weed), in a circle, one of them playing on a bastardized hybrid of a guitar and a bong, singing Kumbaya is their forte. It’s best to just leave them to it because things get decidedly more clothing-optional from here on out.


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