That’s A Mom’s Job… To The Extreme!

(My mom has a knack for solving problems, which is why she is frequently asked for advice by her best friends. Her best friend’s maid has gotten pregnant and my mom’s best friend is freaking out. She calls my mom to ask for advice and my mom solves it very quickly. This conversation occurs after the problem has been solved, and my mom is telling me about it over wine.)

Me: “Good job. Wow, I can’t believe that you had a plan of action ready for that.”

Mom: “I’ve had that plan for years, just in case any of the maids I employ got pregnant.”

Me: “Fair enough.”

Mom: “You know I have backup plans for everything, right? Car problems, marital problems, you get your girlfriend pregnant…”

Me: “Hey! I don’t even have a girlfriend.”

Mom: “I’ve made plans already. Just in case.” *starts listing them off on her fingers* “Girlfriend has an STD. Girlfriend is pregnant. Girlfriend breaks up with you. You bring home my grandkid. You get pregnant…”

Me: “I’m a guy.”

Mom: *matter-of-fact tone* “You could have gotten a surgery and then gotten pregnant.”

Me: “Gender reassignment surgery cannot do that.”

Mom: “Really? I didn’t know that.” *sips wine* “Regardless, I made that backup plan before I knew you were a boy.”

Me: “I think that level of paranoia is overkill.”

Mom: “If you think that’s bad, you should listen to my backup plan in case Grandpa and Grandma die. I’ve had that plan since I was sixteen.”

(She’s about fifty at the time of this conversation)

Me: “Jesus. And now you’re going to tell me that you have had a backup plan in case I suddenly died since I was six.”

Mom: “Nonsense.” *sips wine* “I’ve had that plan since before I even got married.”

Me: *speechless*

Mom: “That’s why my life has no curveballs. I make backup plans for everything. That’s why everyone asks me for advice. Whatever problem they have, I already have a backup plan in case such a situation ever happens to me.”