That Smaller Parcel Must Have Been His Brain

, , , , , | Friendly | July 26, 2018

(My neighbor is in his mid-forties and is a child of a trust fund, so he’s always had people available at his whim, has never worked, and is a total moron. During the day he has two nannies taking care of his kids while his wife works. I miss a package delivery while I am at work, so the delivery company leaves a ticket stating that the package is with my neighbor. I head over, ticket in hand, to collect it.)

Neighbor: *answering door* “Yeah?”

Me: “Hi, I wasn’t in to get a parcel; they left it at yours. Can I get it?” *shows ticket*

Neighbor: *immediately confused* “Uh, sorry, no. The nanny deals with stuff like that. Come back when she’s back.”

Me: “I kind of need it; did the post not deliver my parcel here?”

Neighbor: “Why did they deliver your parcel here?”

Me: “I wasn’t in.”

Neighbor: “Why not?”

Me: *too shocked by his stupidity* “Look. My parcel was dropped off here; can you please check?”

(He looks around his feet and picks up the nearest parcel, hands it to me without a word, and shuts the door. The parcel is way too small to be what I am expecting. I check the address slip and it has the neighbor’s address and his wife’s name on it. I ring the bell again several times until he eventually answers again.)

Neighbor: “What now?”

Me: “There’s been some confusion; this is your wife’s parcel.”

Neighbor: “Well, what do you want with it, then?”

Me: “I don’t want it. I want mine. Can you please look?”

Neighbor: *taking the parcel back and looking around his feet* “Nothing here. Look: can you please come back when the nanny is here? She deals with all the stuff like this.”

Me: “Well, can you check the front room or something for a box with this address on it?” *I hand him the ticket* “Please?!”

(He disappears for a few seconds and comes back with a very large box and an equally confused expression on his face.)

Neighbor: “Huh. There’s this, but… it’s got the wrong address on it.”

Me: “Yes, that’s what I’m after.”

Neighbor: “Why was it delivered here? I’m not [bad pronunciation of My Name].”

Me: “That’s me! It’s what I’m here for.”

Neighbor: “How did you know it was here?”

Me: “Because the delivery company left a ticket. Can I please have it now?”

Neighbor: *handing it over* “But why didn’t they just deliver it to you?”

(I took the parcel and just rolled my eyes at the last question. I didn’t think leaving post with neighbors was that difficult a concept.)

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