That Cheesed Them Off!

(I was a waitress in a popular Mexican chain. One particularly rude and obnoxious business woman always comes in for lunch at least once a week with a different companion each time. She orders the same thing each time.)

Customer #1: “I want a [Soda] with lemon. Bring one right away and bring a second a few minutes later. I am thirsty but I don’t want the ice to melt. Then I want low fat chicken enchiladas. They are low fat, right?” *she asks this every single time* “Good, I am on a diet. I don’t want the rice or refried beans. They are too fattening. I want all corncake instead. Oh, and I want a side of sour cream and a side of guacamole. You better not charge me for it. They don’t charge me because I am a regular.”

Me: “Ma’am. I waited on you last week and the week before. You had this discussion with the manager. Guacamole is an extra charge.”

Customer #1: “Fine! But it is coming out of your tip! Now you heard me! All corncake! Right?”

Me: “I should let you know since you said you were on a diet. The corncake is really normally just a little item as a treat. It is insanely high in fat. It is probably 80% butter. In one pan this big—” *I show with my hands* “—we use eight huge sticks of butter. The rice is extremely low fat and very healthy.”

Customer #1: “Oh, no! I don’t care. I love that corncake! I come here just for that!”

Me: “We will prepare your order as you like. And what may I get for you today?” *I turn to her companion who has been studying the menu like she is trying to pass the bar*

Customer #2: “I don’t understand any of this. It all looks so foreign. I’ll just have exactly what she is having. Exactly. Oh but no cheese on the enchiladas.”

Me: “What about inside? Since they have no sauce, without cheese, they will be very dry, I am afraid.”

Customer #2: “Oh, my God, they have cheese inside, too? I don’t want cheese anywhere on my plate! Not a shred! Or I won’t pay! I’ll scream if there is one bit of cheese on my plate!”

(Knowing I am not getting a tip anyway — she always pays and only leaves the coins from the change, never a bill, no matter how good the service is — I confirm first the customer is not allergic; she just really hates cheese.)

Me: “Ma’am, if you hate cheese so much, may I ask why you came to a Mexican restaurant? We put cheese in everything. Heck, there is at least a pound of cheese in the [Soda]s I am about to bring you.”

Customer #2: *literally screaming* “OH, MY GOD… WHY WOULD YOU PUT CHEESE IN [SODA]S? WHAT KIND OF SADISTIC B******S ARE YOU?”

(To her credit, her companion thought this was hilarious and helped me calm her friend down and explain to her we did not, in fact, put cheese in the soft drinks. She also left me a whole dollar and the coins on their $28 check.)

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