That Behavior Is Just Not Cricket

(When I am 11 I discover a baby snake under our doormat one day and decide to keep it for a pet. My mother’s not too pleased.)

Mom: “It’s poisonous and it’s going to bite you! You’ll die!”

Me: “I already checked: it’s not.”

(I check and find out that it eats crickets, so I go outside to catch it some. Problem is, the only ones I can find are big, nasty ones, so I catch one and put it in with my new snake in a cage.)

Me: *to self* “Maybe I should kill the cricket… Nah, no need. I heard snakes like to eat their food alive, not mashed.”

(I figure that nature will take its course and the snake will kill and eat the cricket, but I wake up and find out the other way around happened. My poor snake is partially eaten and the big nasty cricket is hopping around like mad.)

Mom: “What happened?!” *realizes* “Oh, my god!”

Me: *crying sadly* “My poor snake! Stupid cricket!”

(My mom tried to hold back laughter but failed, and dad came to find mom laughing hysterically and me mashing the cricket to death, crying bitterly. He decided we’d lost our minds and made a beeline for the door!)