Ten Ways To Make Your Barista Hate You

Most of us need that hot cup of joe in the morning. That morning jolt of high-octane wakey juice; that cupped lightning, jitter juice, dirt, mud, bean, whatever you want to call it; sometimes you just… need… some coffee. But how often do you spare a thought for those poor souls condemned to brewing your steaming mug of java in the morning. Here are ten ways to make your barista hate you. Don’t be that person:

#1: Complicated drink orders:

This should be fairly obvious, but do you really think you’re being clever when you’re ordering a ‘Venti Iced Skinny Hazelnut Macchiato, Sugar-Free Syrup, Extra Shot, Light Ice, No Whip*’? You may think that the sesquipedalian infusion goes well with your dapper waistcoat paired with your ‘ironic’ sneakers, but it just makes you look like an obnoxious tool. If you want to be a hipster, just drink espresso, and if you don’t want to be a hipster then you’re already winning at life so why need coffee?

#2: Getting up early:

It’s an ironic joke (i.e. not actually funny) that coffee shop workers look tired. If you mention this to them in any way whatsoever (often with that oh-so original joke “you look like you need coffee!”), their slumber-poor brains will have managed to concoct five feasible means to grant you a painful death, most utilizing utensils within arm’s reach. Don’t risk it; drowning in steamed milk is not the way you want to go. They don’t need more coffee; they’re just sleep-deprived because they got up at 3am to start making coffee for the entitled populace.

#3: Customers thinking they can tell the difference between drinks:

Like you really can tell if it was one-eighth of a pump of caramel less than what you wanted?! Making up insanely complicated drink orders is one thing, but thinking you can tell the difference between 1% and non-fat milk when it’s been mixed into a vulgar concoction of abominations and diabetes (we’re looking at you triple-caramel pump) is beyond even the most skilled coffee connoisseur – and you are not a connoisseur. You’re just a con.

#4: Threatening that the ‘other location’ does it:

So you’re saying that the other location gives you an extra twelve pumps of syrup for free, so we should too? Well, let us tell you what we tell every self-righteous, over-demanding, first-world-problem spouting dullard that tries this tactic. GO THERE THEN! Seriously, we won’t stop you, the door is right there. Try not to trip up on the remains of your suddenly deflated ego on the way out. Of course we know that the ‘other’ location doesn’t really exist. We might have been awake since an early-hour that is still theoretical to normal folk, but it doesn’t mean our brains aren’t working. So take your coffee the way it should be or just leave. We may be losing sleep for this job but we won’t be for the likes of you.

#5: Being too lazy to open your own sugar packets:

So we’ve put the effort into making your exacting drink order with the level of precision usually found in deep-underground laboratories designed to detect gravitational waves, but that’s still not enough. It requires an extra packet of sugar (because God forbid your coffee actually taste… you know… like coffee). But no, those sugar packets aren’t opening themselves. The customer has let you come this far doing it all for you, why start putting in a little effort now? Unless you were mangled in some horrific accident or you’re a T-Rex, we’re pretty sure you have arms. Use them.

#6: People who don’t know what they’re ordering:

Four words: It’s not called ‘Expresso.’ More words: If you’d like us to make you a hot iced-mocha, then please first arrange for the laws of physics to be updated (maybe God is still reading the Apple agreement before he hits ‘upgrade).

#7: Picking up someone else’s order:

When we ask you for the name of the order, we’re not trying to be nosey, or friendly, or look you up on Facebook or anything else except know who is drinking which d*** coffee. We don’t even need your real name, make something up for all we care. Call yourself Galactus, or Seven-Of-Nine-Tertiary-Adjunct-Of-Unimatrix-Zero-Zero-One, or Bob. Just remember the name you gave us because if there’s one thing that pisses off a barista more than people in general, are people who waste all the effort that goes into making that perfect drink, by picking up the wrong bloody drink. It throws everything into chaos; the original customer legitimately looking for their drink, having to remake said drink and making all other customers wait, disembowelling the original perpetrator when they come back demanding their original drink and passing all blame to the barista, it’s a mess really, and all so simply avoided. (On a side note, if you order a drink, call yourself ‘Beuller,’ and then just leave… we appreciate the reference but you’re still gonna die.)

#8: Thinking the shop is your own private office space:

It’s a coffee shop. You turn up, you get a coffee, maybe sit down with a muffin and crush little pieces of digital candy on your phone and pretend this is a productive use of your time. What it is not, is your personal office. Plenty of people bring in a laptop, pretending to write the next ‘American Novel’  but all you’re going to get when you take up three seats with your crap while you suck up all the wifi is the next ‘American Horror Story.’

#9: Ordering a pumpkin spice… anything:

Pumpkin Spice. Every year those two little words create and ever-pervading miasma of misery and despair; an atmosphere where the bitter scent of desiccated coffee beans gives way to the indescribable nihilism of pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin spice frappachinos, pumpkin spice blood-of-a-firstborn… you see where we’re going with this. Order a pumpkin spice anything, and we will hate you with the ferocity of Joffrey.

#10: Fraps:

Frappachinos. Just take pumpkin spice but spread the joy all year round.

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