Telling Grandma Straight… Kinda
I’m talking to my mother about childcare plans for an upcoming weekend.
Mom: “So who’s watching the kids?”
Me: “My husband’s brother.”
Mom: “The gay one?”
Me: “Yes.”
Mom: “Oh. I don’t like that.”
Me: “Why not?”
Mom: “I just don’t think children should be around a gay man.”
Me: “He’s their uncle.”
Mom: “But he’s gay.”
Me: “And?”
Mom: “You know what I mean.”
Me: “No, I really don’t.”
Mom: “It’s not appropriate.”
Me: “He’s not bringing men home and having sex in front of the children.”
Mom: “Stop talking like that!”
Me: “Well, apart from the gender of the person he dates, there’s nothing that makes him any different from my own brother.”
Mom: “That’s not the point.”
Me: “Then what is the point?”
Mom: “You know perfectly well.”
Me: “Please explain it to me. In detail.”
Mom: “You’re being combative.”
Me: “No, I’m confused. What exactly does my brother-in-law’s sex life have to do with babysitting?”
Mom: “Ugh! You’re always like this!”
Me: “And you’re always saying things like this first.”
Mom: “You’ll be sorry when they all turn out gay!”
Me: “Mom, they have one gay uncle and about twenty straight relatives. If being around adults made children copy their sexuality, we’d have solved this mystery centuries ago.”
Mom: “I can’t believe you’re condoning this!”
Me: “Condoning what? Him making macaroni and cheese? Helping with homework? Existing?”
Mom: “This is exactly what I’m talking about!”
Me: “Then explain it.”
Mom: “I am their grandmother!”
Me: “And if one more word like this comes out of your mouth, you’ll become their grandmother with a court-approved visitation schedule.”
The subject changed immediately.
