Tell OSHA It’s A Performance Piece

I work in an office supply warehouse. It’s hour six of a long shift on a national holiday, and productivity has slowly eroded into chaos. I’m organizing a shipment of printer paper while my coworker is standing on a pallet, stacking reams of paper into a wall.

Coworker: “This is my Roman Empire. I will not rest until this wall of paper is perfect.”

Me: “You’ve stacked it five feet high. It’s paper, not a monument.”

Coworker: “It is a monument. To broken wrists and poor life choices.”

He starts humming the ‘Gladiator’ theme while placing a single ream of paper on top like a ceremonial brick. That’s when our supervisor walks in, also looking tired.

Supervisor: “What exactly are you two doing?”

Coworker: “History, [Supervisor].”

He stares for a long second and then sighs.

Supervisor: “Somewhere in the future is a safety video with a dramatization of what’s about to happen. I’ll make sure it uses your real names.”

He walks away, washing his hands of us.

Me: *To my coworker.* “You realize if this thing falls, it’s going on your tombstone as ‘Death by Paperwork.'”

Coworker: “At least I’ll go out doing what I loved.”

Me: “Ignoring actual tasks?”

Coworker: “You got it.”