A Debtor Way To Deal With Them

(For months I received calls from a bill collector while at work, asking for a man who has never worked at the office. My company filed several complaints with the FCC but the calls still kept coming. I got permission from my boss to mess with the caller the next time they rang in. We had caller ID at the time, so I knew it was the bill collector before picking up the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ‘Glitzy Coffins,’ where we stylize your loved ones straight to the grave.”

Collector: “Um… Is [Name] there?”

Me: “Let me check with the back and see if he has been sent to embalming. One moment, please.”

Collector: *click*

(10 minutes later, the phone rings again from the same number.)

Me: “Doctor Z’s purification clinic, zapping away herpes since 1992. How can I help you?”

Collector: “Is [Name] available?”

Me: “Do you have an appointment?”

Collector: “No. I need to speak with him regarding an urgent matter.”

Me: “I can’t help if you don’t have an appointment. Now what genital disease is causing your trouble? Our physicians are not only qualified, they are ordained by the lord to save your soul from your sinful ways.”

Collector: *hangs up*

(Another 10 minutes later.)

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “Is [Name] available?”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “I need to speak with him regarding an urgent matter.”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “Is he available or not?”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “Don’t be a b****. Is he there? I must speak with him.”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “Look! Give me [Name] now or you’ll be in trouble!”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: *throws out a string of profanities for a few minutes, threatening to sue me if I don’t put the man he’s contacting on the phone* “So, what do you have to say?”

Me: “…Quack.”

Collector: *click*

(At this point, I’ve coerced a few coworkers to join in on the fun since the calls were still coming in. Five minutes later…)

Coworker #1: “Dude.” *snickers* “I’m so high right now!”

Collector: *click*

(10 minutes later…)

Me: “D*** it Regina! Get yo a** back on the street. Pimp needs his mother-f****** money!”

Coworker #1: “I’m sorry, daddy!”

Me: “D*** right, b****!” *to phone* “Yeah?”

Collector: *click*

(10 minutes later…)

Coworker #2: “Hey. This is Darnell and you’re calling Bros for Hoes. What chocolatey confection can I serve you up with today?”

Collector: “F***!” *slams the phone down*

(They stopped calling after that.)