Talk Like That Again And You’ll Have Cows To Pay

, , , , , | Romantic | September 24, 2019

(My husband and I like to rib each other. Most of our friends and family understand that we do this, even if they don’t understand why. One evening, my husband’s brother and his new girlfriend are over for dinner. We are all sitting outside at the picnic table while my husband grills.)

Husband: “Hey, [My Name], I forgot the basting brush.”

Me: *not moving* “That’s unfortunate.”

Husband: *smiling* “Can you go get it for me?”

Me: *taking a drink* “Uh-huh.”

Girlfriend: *looking between us* “Um… should I go get it?”

Me: “No, he hasn’t asked anyone to go get it.”

Husband:Please go get me the basting brush?”

Me: *dramatic sigh* “I guess I have to do everything around here.”

Husband: “If you did anything, that would be better than what you do now.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh!”

(I go inside to get the basting brush and come out to see my husband being verbally accosted by his brother’s girlfriend.)

Girlfriend: “If [Brother-In-Law] ever talked to me like that, I’d be gone so fast, his head would spin! How dare you?!”

Brother-In-Law: “[Girlfriend], it’s fine.”

Girlfriend: “No, it’s not! How can you say that it’s okay?”

Brother-In-Law: “They’re just goofing around–”

Girlfriend: “Spousal abuse is not a joke!”

Husband: “What?!”

Me: “Oh, [Girlfriend], I really am fine. We’re just playing.”

Girlfriend: *comes to my side* “Don’t worry, [My Name]; you’re safe with me.” *puts her arm around my shoulder*

Me: “I’m safe with [Husband], too. We’re good. Really.”

Girlfriend: *looks at the three of us in turn* “You’re all totally fine with him talking like… like he owns her?”

Husband: “Well, I did give her father two cows and a dozen hens when I asked for her hand, so–”

Girlfriend: *steps forward again* “WHAT?!”

Me: “[Husband]!”

(It took a while longer to convince her that we really were just joking around and my husband wasn’t lazy or abusive. We also had to explain that no, my father did not exchange me for a bunch of farm animals.)

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